The Valley

Today I discovered what is wrong with my life. For 17 of my 22 years I have operated on a school schedule. This presents a problem to my graduated self. Exactly how does one function without a Christmas break that lasts six weeks? I am used to skipping classes and getting work done the hour before the deadline. Not so in "the real world". I am 22 years old and I am $19,926 in debt. My "real world" contains flat tires, phone bills, monthly rent, computers that crash, and an average of 71.25 work hours per week. This work thing also presents a problem. I rather enjoy such things as friends, sleep, and laughter, but I find they have taken a significant blow in light of my crazy work schedule.

So how does one cope? With many secret tears. But the truth I have been bumping into consistently is that my God is faithful to renew His glorious mercies each morning. One of my favorite names of God is the Hebrew name El Roi, meaning the God who sees. What a comfort that is to me! He sees my struggle and understands my pain. He knows how my heart longs for freedom. He created me to be this way. To rejoice in the things I rejoice in and to hurt over the things I hurt for.

He is teaching me more and more about myself these days. And really what I'm discovering most is that I am a bundle of inconsistencies:
I don't like nuts in my chocolate but I crave peanut m&m's.
I get phone phobia.
I judge books by their covers.
I am always re-decorating.
Showers rejuvenate me.
A cup of tea can solve almost any problem.
I am fiercely independent but secretly I need affirmation.
I hate driving.
I love to fly.
The only beverage I like to put ice in is a glass of coke with a straw.
Clutter drives me crazy but my room is usually a mess.
Cleaning my room is therapeutic for me.
I will only steal pens from hotels if they are clicky pens.
When my television is on it means I need to get work done.
Sometimes I wish I had mono so I could sleep for a month.
Always I wish there were more hours in the day.
I love to lead, but more, I love to be led.
I feel beautiful in a sweatshirt with fancy earrings.
I hate make-up but am convinced I need it.
People wear me out but I need to be around them in order to function.
I don't want to be high maintenance so I will work twice as hard to make you think I'm not.
I need to relax so much that sometimes I get anxious about how I'm not resting.
I make less money than a first year teacher, but my favorite thing to do is buy people gifts.
I love to give hospitality and have trouble receiving it.
I pick grocery stores based on the number of old men that shop there.

That's me right now. Some of it won't ever change, some of it will. Yet no matter how long that list gets, the one constant will be that I am a well-loved daughter of the King. Even in the midst of my "twenty-something quarter-life crisis" my God is El Roi, ever present and ever seeing.

I've been living this entire year in Harrisonburg in a place known as "the Shenandoah Valley." It's a wonderful place full of coffee shops and crystal meth labs, amish families and college students who wear sweatpants and ugg boots. Most people who live here shorten "Shenandoah Valley" and refer to it as "the Valley." The irony of this name didn't hit me until recently. Doesn't the Lord lead us through spiritual valleys? For so long my favorite passage of Scripture was Hosea 2 where the Lord speaks of leading His beloved through the desert and turning "the valley of Achor" (meaning the valley of trouble) into a "door of hope." How interesting that the Lord would choose this year of transition and uncertainty to literally and figuratively place me in "the valley".

Mostly this year I've tried hard to resist the fact that I am in a valley. I don't want to be a failure. I don't want to be so spiritually immature that the Lord has to bring me through another valley in order to get my attention. But really? That is not how He works. His blessing and even more, His presence, is not dependent on my performance or lack thereof. That's what it means that He is Sovereign. Paige Brown of Reformed University Fellowship puts it well,

Can God be any less good to me on the average Tuesday morning than he was on that monumental Friday afternoon when he hung on a cross in my place? The answer is a resounding no. God will not be less good to me tomorrow either, because God cannot be less good to me. His goodness is not the effect of his disposition but the essence of his person--not an attitude but an attribute.

If His goodness is an attribute then it is always present, even in the valleys of life and Harrisonburg. Why should I then be ashamed to be anything less than I am? He knows my failures and flaws and has promised to continue the work of His goodness in me and "carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). Is it always peaches and cream? Heck no! But the wonder of it all is that I get to learn what it looks like to allow my heart to ache with the hope of restoration and at the same time to let my actions and responses flow with the beauty of grace. I don't always know what I will do with the rest of my life, and I don't always know how to avoid getting burnt out, but one thing I do know: He is all that I need and He is more than enough.

Love and Weddings

Annie was the perfect bride. Her dress, made in Germany, was absolutely stunning. She wore little white flowers in her hair and carried a bouquet of white and red roses. Her man? A Navy lieutenant fully decked out in his crisp white uniform. As they were leaving the church after the ceremony, the couple walked through an Arch of Swords. It was just like a movie: romantic and beautiful.

I'm always surprised when I cry at weddings because I know the drill. I've attended slightly less than 278 (yeah, I went to CNU). But watching Annie dance with the man of her dreams just naturally caused tears to well up. I was realizing that the girl I "grew up with" for three years of college was now someone's wife. She even had our favorite sonnet read at the ceremony:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

-William Shakespeare

I love this poem because I memorized it in my favorite class for my favorite teacher in high school. But I also love it because it's so real. Shakespeare spells out for us exactly what love is and is not. It does not change when it discovers a fault or seek to transform the other by removing annoying habits. Those are two things women are good at. We get these insecurities and it's like the only way we know how to hold on is to press in harder. That's why we get a reputation for "nagging". We know what it is we want so we try overly hard to get it. That's why Sara Groves describes grace as "an invitation to be beautiful." As we give grace to those who don't give us exactly what we want from them, we become beautiful and more like the Lord. A woman who gives grace is not only beautiful, but loving. Her love is an "ever fixed mark" because it comes out of an overabundance of the love she is receiving from her Father God. That's the kind of love I want to give; the kind that is beautiful, selfless and unbridled by time or age.

My prayer is that maybe one day the Lord will transform me into that kind of woman- who is clothed with a gracious love and laughs at the days to come.

In the meantime, after all of my tears and celebration tonight, my wallet and I are thankful to announce that the wedding season has ended- at least for this year. My boyfriend will be happy to announce that I did not catch the bouquet, in fact I screamed and backed away as it fell to my feet. Ah yes, free and easy down the road I go...

Until next spring and the next batch of CNU engagements.

Chapstick and God

I have discovered that there are two things I know I will never run out of in this lifetime: mascara and chapstick. They seem to just multiply in their respective drawers. Sometimes I wonder if the mascara and chapstick companies ever got together and decided to specifically target me. They KNOW that as soon as they come out with another one of their endless varieties that I will HAVE to call their bluff and try their new product to see if it really does everything it claims. The problem is that they win in the end because as soon as I "try" the product, I've already purchased it and it is either fantastic and worthy of everyday use or it is doomed to a life of neglect at the bottom of the makeup drawer. My overly full makeup drawer can speak to the dilemma this cause.

Some things I have too much of- like mascara and chapstick and probably ice cream. But there are a few things that I will never ever get enough of- like the way my heart stops for a few seconds every time I turn the corner in Hburg and see those mountains, or the way the "aliveness" stirs up inside me every time I capture a good picture. Some things I not only will never have enough of, but I must fight for on a daily basis. Things like belief and trust in the Lord's faithfulness and Sovereign plan. It is hard to live in the tension of believing in the Lord's goodness, yet not actively resting in that on a day to day basis. My fears of failure and inadequacy are all rooted in my unbelief in the character of the Lord, yet how do I make my heart just believe? Through Scripture and the Holy Spirit- two things I also will never get enough of.

As I write this there is a screaming fest going on between the house across the street from me and a house further on down the street. One kid will scream as loud as he can for as long as he can and the other kid retaliates from down the street. It would be quite amusing if I did not have a migraine headache. However, it is reminding me of a simple truth- that kids have an abundance of energy for one, but also that they have an abundance of faith in who they are. If they feel like screaming at the top of their lungs they will do so, without regard to anyone around them. That sense of pure exhilaration and freedom is beautiful. I long to be like that. To unashamedly be who I am with enough belief in the Lord that I am free to delight in any circumstance.

I guess I just don't like change. Don't get me wrong, I love seasons, especially Fall. Football games and sweatshirts and crunchy leaves and bonfires and apples and hiking- I love it all. But I'm realizing that as much as I love to get to the place I've been trying to go to, I get there and find difficulties. I love new things, but I love old things better. I love ways that are tried and true, and changing for me is difficult. However, no one grows if they never change and so here I am, in the midst of the changes of not being a student and trying to live in the real world working two jobs and paying rent and insurance and learning to believe more that God is good. One thing I do know for sure: I will always have enough chapstick.

Prayer

This is sort of a prayer that I wrote with truths that the Lord has whispered into my heart from time to time; they are things that I need to be reminded of daily. I will probably add more to it as I learn new things and as I It's what I have been reading each morning before I start my day... some days have been rough and others have been amazing, but even still, my God is faithful.

Good Morning Little One,

Keep company with Me today. Walk with Me and work with Me and know that I am El Roi- I see your heart when it longs for something more. I have made you restless for the rest that is in Me. Come be with Me and step by step release the lies that grip your heart. I did not set you free so that you would worry like this; I set you free so that you would delight in Me. I am all that you need, always. I love to hear your laughter and receive your thankful heart. I want you to be well- do you want it too? Ask and you shall receive, child of weakness, let Me be your all in all. Your stubborn heart strives for independence, but do you know the sacrifice made that day on the cross? I conquered death and I will conquer the walls of sin around your heart. You are not too much for Me. I am not ashamed by your messy-ness, in fact, I delight in brokenness and I have called you beautiful- you are My daughter. Don’t shy away from Me, I long to free you from yourself that you may richly enjoy my blessings. Little One, you have my love. You don’t have to pay for it. You didn’t earn it and you can’t deserve it. You only have to open to it to receive it. You are my beloved, come and follow Me this day.

Ragamuffin

Tonight the walls crashed in. The questions and doubts and fears and shame all spilled over into an unceasing flow of tears. My body literally shook with each breath as I cried out to the Lord for the only thing I knew to ask for: His presence. I had no lofty speech or special revelations; I was even without any semblance of words to throw at the "something" gnawing on my heart. So I just said, "Come Lord Jesus, I need You." And I felt Him smile a sad knowing smile and invite me to nestle my head into His sweet embrace.

If God had a list of hobbies, one would be answering the prayers that He wants me to ask. There's no question about it- He wants me to know my need for Him.

The tears had subsided and I was holding my teddy bear and sipping on some chamomile tea when I picked up my old copy of "The Ragamuffin Gospel"- it just seemed fitting. This is what I found in the beginning pages:

The Ragamuffin Gospel was written with a specific reading audience in mind.
This book is not for the super-spiritual.
It is not for muscular Christians who have made John Wayne and not Jesus their hero.
It is not for academicians who would imprison Jesus in the ivory tower of exegesis.
It is not for noisy, feel-good folks who manipulate Christianity into a naked appeal to emotion.
It is not for hooded mystics who want magic in their religion.
It is not for Alleluia Christians who live only on the mountaintop and have never visited the valley of desolation.
It is not for the fearless and tearless.
It is not for red-hot zealots who boast with the rich young ruler of the gospels: "All these commandments I have kept from my youth."
It is not for the complacent, hoisting over their shoulder a tote-bag of honors, diplomas and good works actually believing they have it made.
It is not for legalists who would rather surrender control of their souls to rules than run the risk of living in union with Jesus...

The Ragamuffin Gospel was written for the bedraggled, beat-up, and burnt-out.
It is for the sorely burdened who are still shifting the heavy suitcase from one hand to the other.
It is for the wobbly and weak-kneed who know they don’t have it altogether and are too proud to accept the handout of amazing grace.
It is for inconsistent, unsteady disciples whose cheese is falling off their cracker.
It is for poor, weak, sinful men and women with hereditary faults and limited talents.
It is for earthen vessels who shuffle along on feet of clay.
It is for the bent and the bruised who feel that their lives are a grave disappointment to God.
It is for smart people who know they are stupid and honest disciples who admit they are scalawags. The Ragamuffin Gospel is a book I wrote for myself and anyone who has grown weary and discouraged along the Way.

As I read every sentence in the "not for" list, I couldn't help but to breathe sighs of relief- deeper with each new concept. Here, in the pages of this book, I did not have to be "super spiritual" and have all the right words. In fact, the book was not even written for someone who was unafraid and shed no tears. How did Brennan Manning know that I wasn't very good at keeping commandments and that I had no list of honors or achievements to revel in?

Before his warm, steamy bath, a mother patiently peels wet and heavy winter clothes off of her child who has been playing in the snow all day. In the same way, a small but heavy burden was lifted as I read and identified with each description of to whom the book was written. Burdened, unsure, weak, inconsistent, unsteady, sinful, bent, bruised, fearful, and tearful. All of those things describe me right now and even just the knowledge that this book was written for somebody like me brings fresh air to my stale concealed heart.

That first section was as far as I got because it was all that I needed to be reminded that it is okay for me to be human. For some reason being on staff with IV makes me put myself through a harder beating than I would give to anyone else. I feel as if the title "staffworker" should magically make me believe more steadfastly in the promises of the Lord. It should make me able to raise all of the money I need before October 1st, and of course, it should make me know how to deal with the spiritual implications of not raising it all.

But the beautiful news of tonight is that no matter how I am called to lead, I am forever and always just a sheep in need of my Shepherd. I am a child of weakness, a disciple, and a servant before I am ever a leader. I fumble and I fail, I question and I cry. How easily does my fragile heart trade hope for despair and trust for unbelief. But the good news of the Gospel is that I am worse than I think. The glorious part is that because I am more needy, messed up, and sinful than I already know, the Cross of my Salvation is also greater than I could ever imagine. C.S. Lewis writes in his book, The Four Loves,

"Grace substitutes a full, childlike and delighted acceptance of our need, a joy in total dependence. The good man is sorry for the sins which have increased his need. He is not entirely sorry for the fresh need they have produced."

My sin; my inadequacy is great, but greater still is my Savior. Brenden Manning says,

"When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games."

... in a word, I am a Ragamuffin.

JMU food thoughts

You learn things when you are used to living by yourself and you are suddenly forced to coexist with other people. This week, while being an amazing dose of community, has also been an amazing dose of reality. I've discovered that I am a snob about my food. For example, I love yogurt but it has to be the fruit on the bottom kind. None of this "light" nonsense. Who really wants less calories in something that is already healthy for you? Come ON yogurt companies! If the healthy stuff doesn't taste amazing then why on earth would I eat it?! If I want to diet I will stay away from the Oreo's, not try to subtract calories from the only healthy thing I eat. Whatever happened to "a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down"? Kashi cereals have this concept down. I was sold from their very first commercial. The guy starts out by saying, "I hate healthy foods." Heeeey, me too!! But wait, it's a commercial for HEALTH FOODS! That guy goes out searching for health foods that TASTE GOOD- what a concept (and yes, of course he does the commercial and does the food hunting). I have to tell ya, Kashi commercials got me, hook, line, and sinker, and I am delighted to say that they followed through on their promise. I have never experienced a more tasty health food cereal in my life. All it takes is a little bit of sugar- the real kind, not the nasty splenda kind. Way to go Kashi!

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, my food snobbery also shows up in my beverage choices. For example, hot chocolate MUST be Swiss Miss, there is no other brand that even comes close to bringing justice to the name "hot chocolate." Furthermore, a decent cup of hot chocolate entails one and a half packets of mix. One packet is much too watery, and two packets is much too sugary. This will explain the half-full and delicately refolded packets of Swiss Miss that currently occupy my food closet. Lastly, if one is to put whip cream in this steaming cup of sugary goodness, the cream must be placed into the cup after the Swiss Miss has been dumped in and BEFORE the water is poured over it. Cream on the top is just to make it look pretty. Would you rather have hot chocolate that looks pretty or hot chocolate that tastes creamy? Exactly. I've also strengthened my opinions on Oreo's, that if they aren't double stuff they are a waste of calories, as with any kind of cookie/brownie/cake that is made from a mix. (Disclaimer: it is acceptable to make muffins from a mix, but in this case it must be done using the correct brand which creates the correct consistency for a muffin. Muffins should not taste like cupcakes, they should be soft but more rubbery than crummy).

Really, I'm not sure where any of this came from- it has nothing to do with anything spiritual or anything related to raising support. Still, here it is, on my blog, the things I learned about food and myself while I was away at JMU.

JMU... round one

So I have officially entered the land of hiking hippies... James Madison University. This is a world where using a hairdryer is sinful and wearing makeup on a daily basis is unheard of. Sleep occurs between the hours of 2a.m. and 7a.m. and showers? What are those? The label snobs of JMU do not flaunt their Abercrombie, Hollister, or J.Crew, they flaunt R.E.I. Pajama's aren't needed because work-out clothes can be worn at night as well as all throughout the day. While a typical question at CNU might have been "what time are we meeting to watch Grey's?" the typical question at JMU is "what time are we meeting to go [insert almost any kind of high energy, sweaty activity which include but are not limited to: hiking, swimming, biking, running, and power walking].

I don't think I've ever felt like more of a girlie girl than when I requested to take a shower before going out to breakfast. The literal response was, "why? you're just going to get sweaty later." And it was true. AC is almost as scarce work-out clothes in my closet.

Okay, so while there may be some slight exaggerations to the previous paragraphs, most of it rings true and I have felt a little bit of a culture shock coming from preppy (read: lazy) CNU. However, there have been some fabulous parts of Harrisonburg that have already started to woo my heart.

1. I live in a house that has a front porch complete with a bright orange hammock (always wanted one of those!).

2. The mornings in Harrisonburg just might be my favorite. I love waking up to cool mountain air and sipping tea in a big old mug and reading my Bible on the front porch.

3. We not only have stray cats, we have stray snails. No, not slugs, snails (complete with shell and slime).

4. There is an older lady down the street who consistently wears the same color shirt and shorts. Her van parked in front of her house is always packed as if she lived out of it (I think she may use it like an extra closet for storage). She also feeds the stray cats and picks their fleas off of them.

5. The church I visited on Sunday morning was probably the best most scripturally grounded church I have ever been to in my life. The Sola's hung from a wall behind the podium from which the pastor spoke. The worship of the congregation brought tears to my eyes.

It has been an exhausting and somewhat overwhelming trip for me, and it's not quite over. However, it has also been unbelievably amazing. I can not wait until I am finally able to
move here. The women here are incredible, especially the leaders I've met so far. They are so willing to pour themselves out for the sake of the Gospel and I can't wait to come alongside them in pouring out and pouring into them.

Today CJ told me that I need 20 people to support more at $25 a month and 10 people to support me at $50 a month in order to be able to intern this year. Where will these people come from? I'm not sure. Keep praying kids!

REJOICE!

So friends, after many tears and trials and moments of extreme neediness, I can finally write to say that I have reached the halfway point in my support raising and have been permitted to visit campus for the very first week of classes!! This is an immense blessing to me for several reasons.

A. It means the struggles of raising support are half way over!
B. I get to escape to JMU for a week to meet the girls I will be living with this year.
C. It will be so refreshing to do the thing I love most about this job: be with college students.

I am so excited to meet new students and be introduced to the chapter at JMU. It is just going to be an incredible week and a much needed reminder of why I am going through this process of raising my support. I get to be a part of their leadership meetings, help with their New Student Outreaches, go to their girls night, and attend their very first large group! On top of that I get to hang out with the girls in the house I'll be living in, and during the days I get to just be with and meet other college students at JMU!

Many of you know what a struggle it has been for me to get to this point and I just want to thank you so very much for all of your support and encouragement as I've wrestled through this. I'm thankful for the opportunity to visit campus during the first, most important week, and I know I owe that to all of you who have faithfully prayed and financially contributed and encouraged me consistently. I can't wait to share stories from the week! In the meantime, be praying for the week I am gone- August 24th-September 1st, that it would be a week of rejuvenation and joy and many experiences of God's faithfulness.

"And now to Him who is able to do EXCEEDINGLY more than all we ask or imagine- to HIM be the glory both now and forevermore."
Amen.

Letter From My Cousin:

Dear Lindsay,
Here is some money for what you are doing with InterVarsity. I hope you are doing well, and I hope this money helps. I will be praying for you that you will be able to raise all the money you need and that people will come to Christ because of what you are doing. Thank you for what you are doing Lindsay.
Love,
Roger

I love that the people who can't afford to give millions of dollars actually end up giving the most- they give what they have and it is given with such heartfelt sincerity that I am not only touched, but encouraged and reminded to keep pressing on. It is people like my cousin who give out of their tender desire to contribute and be a part of what the Lord is doing, that bless me beyond measure. Yes, raising my support is hard, but I am thankful for these moments of unbelievable blessing.

Something Beautiful

*Remembering the definition of grace: mercy contrary to merit

*two more anonymous donors (if you are one of them, thank you from the bottom of my heart- seriously.)

*the feeling that I am surrounded by support and encouragement from others

*an anonymous encouraging note in the mail (with a redhead girl on it!)

*beautiful blue flowers that blossom to a yellow streak of sunshine

*knowing I heard Him ask me to follow, and deciding in my heart that I will, no matter where He ends up going.

*driving home on a summer night with the windows down and listening to the sound of the crickets and cicada's

*that though we sometimes receive blessing through our efforts, we never receive it by our efforts or because of them. Grace would cease to be grace if it was given according to earnings or for that matter un-earnings. Grace is not only contrary to merit, but to demerit; it is given solely based on the Sovereign goodness of God without the slightest regard for my behavior.

*getting excited for fall bonfires, sweatshirts, crunchy leaves, hot cider and football games

*"and these are the days of the harvest
the fields are as white in the world,
and we are the laborers in your vineyard
declaring the Word of the Lord."

*this comic strip has been hanging on my refrigerator for about a year now, but this morning is has new meaning. There are two scruffy beggars on the sidewalk, one is standing up holding out a money jar that says "help." The other is sitting inside a cardboard box, holding out a similar jar to collect people's loose change. The guy who is standing up says to the one in the cardboard box, "you're lucky you get to work from home." While I'm not exactly homeless and while fundraising doesn't quite consist of holding out a coin jar, I often feel a lot like the guy in the cardboard box- trapped and needy. It feels like I am just sitting around all day asking people for money and sometimes I get so caught up in what ISN'T happening that I forget to rejoice in what is happening. So even if home is a "cardboard box" so to speak, I am blessed to spend extra time with my family and to have food to eat and a room to call my own. I am blessed beyond measure to have this ministry of raising my support, though it is hard and often way out of my comfort range, I am blessed to be learning dependence and coming to a fuller understanding of grace.

and the last "something beautiful" thought of the day:
*playing fetch with my dog. She doesn't care when I kick the ball incorrectly or when I get sick of playing- she just always wants to catch that ball and bring it right back to my feet. I love her endless excitement.

Yes I Will...

Yes I Will

In the passion of Your sacrifice
I saw the prophecy fulfilled
The Healer of the world, the wounded Christ
I heard You say, come follow me
So I will, yes I will

Follow You Jesus, all the way up that hill
Follow You Jesus, all the way up that hill
To the cross where the river runs
Crimson even still, yes I will
Follow You Lord, I will

On the sacred path, You bled for us
Scored and broken, up that hill
How terrible the cross, how glorious (how glorious)
I heard You say, come follow me (follow me)
So I will, yes I will

Follow You Jesus, all the way up that hill
Follow You Jesus, all the way up that hill
To the cross where the river runs
Crimson even still, yes I will
Follow You, Lord
I will (I will), yes I will (I will)

In my weakness, when I feel afraid
Hear me Jesus, when I call Your name
Won't You help me Lord, won't You help me Lord
Please help me Lord (please help me Jesus)
Can You help me Lord (please help me Lord)

Follow You Jesus, all the way up that hill
Follow You Jesus, all the way up that hill
(I will follow all the way)
To the cross where the river runs
Crimson even still, yes I will
Follow You, Lord (follow You)
I will (I will follow), yes I will (I will follow You)

Help me Jesus, when I feel afraid

Lord, I will follow you. Though I am weak and though unbelief and fear still plague me, I will follow you with total abandon. Capture my heart, take my hand and lead the way...

Fire

The fire right above my room- it doubled in size every 30 seconds.

A pile of things they "salvaged" from my room. Anything that wasn't
burned was so damaged by water and ashes that it had to be thrown out.

My water-logged and unreadable journals.


Today, August 4th, is the one year anniversary of my apartment being struck by lightning. It seems so long ago that I can hardly believe it has only been one year. There is A LOT that I don't remember from those first few months after the fire- it all got lost in headaches and insurance paperwork and replacing items. Still, I'm thankful for that lightning bolt. My time with the Lord during those months was so raw and real. He had wounded me, but He wanted to heal me. The very hardest thing to lose was my journals. I had faithfully journaled since 7th grade and in one strike of lightning they all disappeared. But the Lord is faithful. If you depend on one way of communicating with Him, He will inevitably long to teach you a new way. This past year I have learned the great value of praying outloud with other people. In a way it is similar to journaling because you are forced to put words to your thoughts, but where it is greater is that it builds community and fellowship and sometimes even accountability. That is just one example of how the Lord used the fire to take away something "good" that I was clinging to, to give me something more of Himself. During that time I took A LOT of comfort in these verses:

Hosea 6:1
"Come, let us return to the LORD.
He has torn us to pieces
but he will heal us;
he has injured us
but he will bind up our wounds."

Philippians 3:7-9
"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him."

This is the email that I sent out four days after the fire to let everyone know how I was doing. It's amazing for me to read it and realize how true those words turned out to be. There was much anger and tears, but there was much dependence and blessing.


My friends,
I first of all want to apologize for not returning ims and phone
calls as quickly as I would have wanted to. Please know that amidst
the overwhelming paperwork and scurrying around newport news looking
for places to live, each and every phone call has slowed me down for a
minute to just warm my heart with a smile. So thank you for that
precious gift. This email is my lousy attempt to let all of you know
as soon as possible that I am fine; in fact, in surprisingly high
spirits. Yesterday was a big day for me, I had to go to the freeman
center to look through all of the "salvageable" items that the fire
company had boxed up. I was of course, expecting nothing, but Donna
surprised me with 8 boxes and 5 bags full of my things! It was like
Christmas! God just put a tickle in my heart and I was able to be so
overjoyed about the littlest things which I know was such a blessing
to Donna who had worked with grumpy, angry students all day. In the
end I had to throw everything away because it was so badly damaged by
the ashes, water, and fire. But God just gave me this perspective
that it wasn't a loss at all, it was a means for Him to humble me and
bless me. There were three items of significance to me that were very
minimally damaged and that I was able to keep... my gold and diamond
necklace from my Mom, my beautiful green formal dress (it was
untouched because it had a bag around it and was in the back end of
the closet!), and a Lenox mug that a friend gave to me (it was in the
dishwasher so it was safe).

I was reminded this weekend of the song "Indescribable" by Chris
Tomlin. The song has long been used to draw me deeper into the
knowledge and worship of God's strength and power. However, it spoke
to me this time of His Sovereignty. The line that says "who has told
every lightning bolt where it should go?" just silences me. His love
for me is so real that He would send lightning to cause me to push
deeper into His arms. We ask God all the time to "burn the Kingdoms I
have made" and I'm here to tell you that as scared as we get of
letting God do that, there is nothing that has made me more free. He
gets to teach me now to just relax in His goodness and total control.
Of course there will be (and has been) tears and anger along the way,
but I just wanted to share with you those quick stories of how He has
been showing up, speaking Truth and just allowing my heart to trust
Him with everything (ha, cuz everything is not a whole lot, maybe He
figured He'd start small :0P).

In the meantime, everyone keeps asking what I need, and really I
haven't known what to say to that because there's just so much. But I
thought of something today. PRAYERS. I really need specific prayer
in two areas right now. One, that God would give me the grace to
accept as people come running in to help, and to ask when I need more
help. It is so hard for me to let other people buy things for me or
hand me money. I've somehow acquired this awesome skill
of "independence" and worry often about burdening others. But right
now I need to "burden" others because they are all that I have. So
please pray that my heart would soften to allow others to be taking
care of me. Second, that God would ordain rooming situations. I have
decided that the cheapest option for me is to stay in the hotel with
hopes that I will be moved back on campus eventually. However, living
in Madison has made me accustomed to privacy and "my own space" so
pray that either God would transform that desire in me, or that He
would bless it by giving me a good roommate. I'm excited to see what
this year holds, especially as God reveals to me more and more about
what He's been up to with me this summer, but I know that I am me and
the little worries will start to try to creep back so please just pray
against those.

If you want to do more than pray, you can always write to me and
tell me that you are praying for me (insert big cheesy smile here) I
*used to* save all my love letters, but they are all gone now, so feel
free to replenish the stack! Just please make sure you don't send me
firey red cards, or gift certificates for anything BBQ... I've had
about enough crispyness for now! :0P

His,
Lindsay

"Because of the Lord's GREAT LOVE we are not consumed, for His
compassions NEVER fail."
Lamentations 3:22

Effort vs. Mercy

I am in love. I'm in love with Gerry Bertier and Julius Campbell. I'm in love with Willie Weathers and basically any of those cheesy football movies. There is something about those characters that "pull themselves up by their bootstraps." They tug at my heart. I empathize with their sense of failure and I applaud their courage to keep on even in the face of insurmountable odds. When they have worked hard enough and long enough they always achieve the victory. Isn't this Hollywood's favorite lesson? To quote Elle Woods from Legally Blonde,

"You must always have faith in people. And most importantly, you must always have faith in yourself."

We love to see Gerry and Julius fight out their racial tensions and become self-declared "brothers" who win the football game and transform the town (Remember the Titans). Our hearts beg Willie's girlfriend to give him a second chance, to have more faith in him because he is changing his ways and beginning to look past the divisions of gang membership (Gridiron Gang). Don't get me wrong, having faith in other people and in yourself is a great lesson, but how does this play out in real life? In reality, my problems don't get solved in a two hour time frame with heart-wrenching music playing in the background. At least in my life, the effort I put into something doesn't always correlate with the outcome. In fact, most of the time the outcome doesn't even get seen for a few years.

As Christians, we have been set free from the law as a system of salvation. We are justified by faith in Christ and no longer slaves to the law of effort, but freed unto the grace of God. Our salvation does not ever depend on what we do, and in the same way it can not ever be endangered by what we do or fail to do. Yet we struggle to believe this. In our human minds we equate a right relationship with God with discipline, obedience, ritual, and effort. The battle in our hearts is to think that Jesus came to modify our behavior, to clean up our morals, to make us better people. When will I start to see that making Jesus a behaviorist simply makes Him smaller in my eyes. My depraved heart struggles to see the greatness of God beyond my behavior because I have been taught to believe that effort equals results. But my obedience does not bring about blessing. And that is HARD for me to hear. I want to believe that any success I have is a result of my effort. I want to believe that being obedient and faithful in raising my support will somehow be pleasing enough to the Lord so that He will bless me with the money I need for this ministry. 2 Corinthians 3:4-6 says,

"Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life."

I am not sufficient in and of myself to claim anything as having come from me. Even my obedience in fundraising, even my walk with the Lord, even my limited knowledge of mercy. For He has called me OUT of the life of bondage of living by the letter of the law and its demands. And He has called me to live and walk by the Spirit for the glory of His name and not my own.

"Then what becomes of our boasting? IT IS EXCLUDED. By what kind of law? By a law of works? No, but by the law of faith. For we hold that one is justified by faith apart from works of the law." Romans 3:27-28

Many times in my life the Lord chooses to keep me from successes to remind me of His Sovereignty and to completely undercut any tendencies toward boasting and pride. I cannot look at my daily efforts to raise support and say "look what I have done." That thought is excluded because my faith is not in myself and my ability but in the Lord. And in the same way, there is absolutely no room for me to say, "this isn't fair! Everyone else has reached their fundraising goals and now I am behind." The LAST thing I want from a Holy God is justice. If I am not experiencing the utter wrath and curses of God then I am experiencing God's mercy! Praise God that it's not fair! Praise God that I am not getting what I deserve! Because what I deserve is eternal separation from Him and punishment for my totally depraved heart. In this way, my envy of others who are further along than I am in raising their support is a form of pride. It is me saying that I deserve more than I have. But every inclination of my heart is only evil all the time (Genesis 6:5). I am in love with Gerry, Julius, and Willie because my heart longs to be that person that tirelessly works hard to rise above failure and get the glory that is deserved. But I pray that the Lord would change my heart. That my fears may be stilled and my strivings would cease so I would rest and delight in His glory. It does not depend on my effort. It depends on His mercy.

"Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness." Psalm 115:1

New Mercies

I think the initial romance of raising support has worn off. I am now at the stage where if I slow down long enough I want to either throw-up or cry. When did this shift occur? It's hard to say. Maybe it started early on as I pieced together my dream of being on campus on time. Maybe it's sinking in more as the "back to school" stuff is being put out at Target. Maybe it started the first day I raised zero support. Maybe it started with the first "no" I received. Maybe I'm just low on motivation.

The reality is that I've raised 32% of my support and that is a lot. It just isn't enough when my Area Director says I have to be at 87% before August 15th.

And so with an anxious and heavy heart I turned to Scripture for encouragement. I was reminded of the passage in Matthew 20 of the laborers in the vineyard. Picture this. Early in the morning, a street corner filled with people in need of a job. A master of a house who seeks them out to work in his fields. Coffee cups get tossed aside as they eagerly accept the offer and go into the vineyards- proud of their job and anticipating their pay. Throughout the morning as others join them they are glad for the extra help and company. Lunch time comes and the sun is high, beating down mercilessly on already aching bodies. Yet the workers press on, faithful to earn their reward.

The master of the house continues to search the streets and as he finds more and more in need of a job he calls them to work in his fields. An hour before the workday ends he finds a group of workers still standing on the street. After finding out that no one had hired them all day long, the master had compassion on them and sent them to work the last hour in his fields.

When the day is over the master calls for all of the workers to be paid beginning with the last, up to the first. Scripture says it better,

And when those hired about the eleventh hour came, each of them received a denarius. Now when those hired first came, they thought they would receive more, but each of them also received a denarius. And on receiving it they grumbled at the master of the house, saying, "these last worked only one hour, and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the day and the scorching heat." But he replied to them, "Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Did you not agree with me for a denarius? Take what belongs to you and go. I choose to give to this last worker as I give to you. Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity? So the last will be first and the first last."
Matthew 20:9-16

This is where my petty complaints and whining come to an end. How many times have I looked at another intern and been jealous of their higher percentage, their amazing donors, or even their own satisfaction in their work? How many times have I thought that my "harder" struggles should result in higher reward? But this passage smacks me in the face with God's goodness and Sovereignty. He's saying, "Calm down Linds! Take what belongs to you and go be satisfied with it and with all that I am. I measure the faith of each one (Romans 12:3) and am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Do not begrudge my generosity for I have been generous to you as well."

Every time I am tempted to say "it's not fair" and start complaining based on my comparisons to others, I am reminded of something my staff worker once said:

"The LAST thing you want from a Holy God is justice."

And it's true. The beauty of grace is that it makes life unfair. God is not mocked. He is a God of justice but He is also a God of mercy. Romans 9:15-16 says,

"For He says to Moses, 'I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.' So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy."

At first glance this verse is kind of a slap in the face. It tells me that it doesn't matter how pretty my letter looks or how many hours I spend praying over them and organizing them and sending them out to potential donors. The only thing that matters is that in the end if I am to go on staff it will be because of the Mercy of God. It won't be because of my effort, and it won't be because I did a better job of fundraising than some other interns. No, it will be solely to the praise and glory of God's mercy and transforming power.

I have been learning this same lesson for awhile now and it has started to play out in a different way. Not only does it apply to my work as an intern trying to raise support, but it applies to my view of my struggles compared to others. Because I have had to deal with a lot of pain and struggles in my life I am used to hearing things like "anyone God uses significantly is always deeply wounded" and "the lesson is in the struggle not in the victory". But while those statements comfort me in times of struggling, I think they may actually do more harm than good when I encounter someone who is blessed to not have to struggle as much as I do. That thought of significance in struggles has cultivated in my heart a sense of pride almost- that God has loved me enough to give me hardships. And it is true, suffering is a part of how we relate to Christ. However, there are people that the Lord has blessed to not have major struggles as a part of their daily lives and who am I to discount the strength of their walk because of that? Does He not have mercy on whom He has mercy? Am I really going to begrudge His generosity?

I don't understand why God is the way He is, and why He chooses to reveal Himself differently in each person's life. But for today I am thankful for my struggles that show me more of who He is, and I am also thankful for those in my life who do not struggle as much as I do. Those who I can invite into my struggles so they may share my burdens, and those that I can learn from and rejoice with in both good and hard times. It all belongs to the Lord. He is always good, and His mercies are new every morning.

Monday

It's been a long day. I woke up this morning with a migraine headache that had also tormented me through the night. A quick look in the mirror showed zits still alive and well and my vacation tan disappearing. Any thoughts I had of wearing clothes today were apparently un-necessary. The laundry doesn't wash itself. So I stumbled downstairs still in my pajamas and let out a long grumble towards the mountain of paperwork waiting for me. I checked my cell phone to see I had already missed 5 calls and it was only 9:17a.m. I opened my email to see 21 messages waiting for me- ones that hadn't been there when I turned off my computer at 2:30a.m. the night before.

Oh Monday.

As I sorted through the paperwork and emails I discovered that I was denied health insurance yet again, leaving me still uninsured and utterly frustrated with the entire system. Basically they are telling me I am too sick to have health insurance. Gotta love America.

But then the tide shifted.

As I listened to my voice messages, two of them stuck out to me. One was from my Area Director telling me he thought I had been recording my donors incorrectly and that I was at a much higher percent than I thought. And the next message was from my cousin asking if she could become a donor. Both messages were good news and just the lift I needed to get working hard today.

So I called my Area Director and he was able to walk me through each donor and how to enter it into our system. When we were finished I realized that I am at a percentage that is more than double what I originally thought. I still have a long long way to go before I'm allowed to be on campus, but seeing the huge gap fill in just a little bit gave me so much encouragement. I can not wait to start hanging out with those JMU kids and I love that I am that much closer to getting there. I was thrilled by this news and encouraged to dig deeper into the work I am doing now so that hopefully that gap will continue to close more and more. There was just one detail that was left uncertain and as I worked I became anxious about that detail and how I would have to overcome it. But just now as my day ended I checked back with my Area Director and with my account and discovered that it had been taken care of- I didn't have to do anything after all. Praise the Lord that He cares about the tiniest details of our life, even when they give us un-necessary anxiety. It's been a long day and I am exhausted and there are some things like insurance that have not worked themselves out, but coming back to my account and seeing that one detail taken care of reminded me that God is bigger. There's a country song that I was
reminded of tonight that says,

"You've got someone here
Wants to make it all right
Someone that loves you more
Than life right here
You've got willing arms that'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here
I know your heart can get
All tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me"

What a sweet reminder that the Lord knows what I need and longs to provide it. He will accomplish for us all that He asks of us. He is bigger than migraines and insurance and fund raising. He doesn't care that the laundry is not done and that I have so much paperwork still to tackle. He wants my heart, He knows my heart, and more than that He delights in my heart. What a great way to end the day.

Just Me

"She is stubborn,
she is romantic,
and a little too loyal for her own good.
She loves to laugh but you have to let her; free her from herself.
She is passionate,
she leads well,
but her heart is fragile.
Treasure her love and you will make her world."

This One's For the Girls...

I woke up this morning thinking of a few points made by John Piper in His "Challenge to Women." He challenges us to be devoted to the glory of God; to trust the promises of Christ so fully that His joy and strength can't help but to overflow from our lives. That sounds like a beautiful woman to me, and I long to be her. But somehow I always fall short. My tendency is to do work for the Lord instead of doing work with the Lord. There's a Big Daddy Weave song that speaks against this saying,

"My dilemma is an issue of the heart, when I try to live for you without you."

I think a lot of times as women we disregard the state of being with the Lord so that we can focus more on our results. But the truth is that we can not produce good fruit without disciplining our own hearts to be still before the Lord. It is there in His presence that we are able to soak up His character. Aren't we called to love the things that Jesus loves? He loves the Church, He loves people, Scripture, prayer; and He loves the character of God.

Proverbs 4:23 tells us to guard our hearts above all else, for it is the wellspring of life. I think as women we often use this verse to help us in our "plight of singleness." We use it to ward off men and sometimes we even use it to challenge the men in our lives, saying things like "you have to help me guard my heart" etc. And I do think this verse applies to guarding our hearts against emotional damage that can come from relationships. However, this past week being at the shore with the beach, the sound, a pool, and a hot tub, there is a certain language that has risen up in my heart dealing with water (shocker). And the concept of the heart being a "wellspring of life" has struck me in a new way. Earlier I blogged about the passage in John 4 where Jesus tells us that the water He gives will become in us a spring of water welling up to eternal life. To me that is a beautiful promise. Not only does it promise satisfaction and eternal life for our own hearts but I think it also describes an overabundance that we might share this eternal life with others.

As women, we are physically designed to bear life in our bodies. But I think it is just as true that our hearts also long to give life. We love to talk about our feelings and know the struggles and joys of those we love. We take joy in practicing acts of love towards our friends and family because it is a refreshment to their lives and a glory to our Father in heaven. We have small groups, accountability groups, and best friends because we desire to point each other's hearts back to the life that is in Christ. But what would it look like if we trusted the promises of the Lord so fully that we not only had an abundance of life for ourselves but for others as well? A lot of times we try to offer life out of our own selves, but we end up discouraged and more empty than before because there is not life in that. But there is a "wellspring of life" in Christ. The challenge I want for myself is to be the kind of woman that dwells in that wellspring because she knows that is her only source of life for her own heart and for others. Andrew Peterson sings a song about a family that

"walked in the rain of His mercy-
let it soak them down to bones.
They'd dance in its rivers and splash in its streams as they'd go."

Girls, let's be the kind of people who walk daily in the rain of God's mercy because our hearts fully trust in its life. And let's allow ourselves to be so satisfied that we can't help but to dance and splash and invite others to join us.

Vacation

Yesterday was my first real day of vacation. Ever. In my life. At some point over Christmas break my mom and I realized that our family had never actually taken a "family vacation." Sure we've been down the shore and we used to go to Camp-of-the-Woods for a few weeks when we were little, but we had always gone on vacation with the express purpose of taking care of other individuals in our extended family. We had never gone away just us, just because.

So we sat down and figured out a way to cut back costs (eat out less, don't buy bottled water, etc.) and we saved up and rented a house in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I've always wanted to go to the Outer Banks- all those people with OBX bumper stickers on their car- and I wanted to be part of the cool kids club.

It's official. I've now seen why they are in love with this place, and I have fallen as well.

Our house is off the hook. No joke. There is a pool in the backyard, a hot tub, and we're two blocks from the Ocean. I don't know why I bothered to bring clothes, all you need here is a swimsuit for the day and pajama's at night. I didn't realize real vacation was this amazing. I'm used to waking up at 6:30a.m. by hyper little cousins and their smelly dogs that need to go for a walk. I'm used to four of us in a room, sleeping bags on the floor, no A.C. and a shower if you get lucky. I'm used to having to sit around the breakfast table until 11:30 when everyone was finally finished with breakfast, and then aching to go to the beach but having to prepare a packed lunch first. And then we'd have to leave the beach by 5:30 because goodness knows we need a five course dinner.

Vacation? No I've never really had one. This one tops the charts and may have spoiled every day life from now on. Both mornings that I've been here I've been up with the sun because I know I can take a nap later if I want to. I make coffee and slip outside to watch the sunrise over the Sound. Then it's downstairs to the pool. There are two benches that are built into the side of the pool so that I can sit in the water but still sip my coffee. I just sit there and talk to Jesus and admire the morning He created. Then I usually have an hour or so of swimming and floating around in the pool before anyone else is up. Then for the rest of the day it's laying out with a good book, tackling my brother underwater, body surfing at the beach, or anything else relaxing and fun. Nights are great because we all get showered and either go out for dinner or go out for ice cream. My family is ridiculously quirky and I love to spend time being goofy with them when we are all relaxed and just enjoying life. So this is what normal families have every summer! Note to self: do this again.

My favorite part of the day is the morning. I love getting up to watch the sun, I love coffee, and I love the water. Ever since I was little I loved the water. Rivers, lakes, pools, even showers. Although I must admit I am a pool pee-er. If they ever actually did invent that purple dye to stain the water whenever someone peed, I'd be caught like a fat man at an all you can eat bar. It should follow that one who loves the water also likes to drink water. It happens man. Those public pools always have those signs up asking you to uh, use the restroom, but I was never one to obey rules just for rules sake anyway. The only sign that came close to swaying me was obviously created by a strong-willed, very visual person. The sign said,

"We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool."

The image of everyone swimming around in a toilet was almost enough to make me change my ways, but alas, old habits die hard.

I swam so much when I was little that my dad used to call me his "little mermaid" (which I'm sure every dad calls his little girl) and I loved it because I had red hair just like Ariel. My grandmother's neighbors had a pool that they let us use when we were little and I would stay in that water until I was pulled out. I distinctly remember my dad convincing me on several occasions that blue lips, wrinkled fingers, and the moonlight were all signs that the day of swimming was over. But that was okay with me because I knew that the sooner I got out of the chlorine the sooner I'd get home for my bath. I did not discriminate against water. This caused a problem as I got old enough to shower because I would take a good half an hour in there- not necessarily washing, just standing and enjoying the water. Let's just say my family didn't quite have the same appreciation for long showers as I did. In high school I would often run to the river and just sit there for hours enjoying the peaceful waves lapping up on the shore. And thank goodness for Lion's Bridge in college. The river, the flowers, the birds, the trees; the place was often my sanctuary.

This morning as I was swimming with the morning sun I was reminded of the verses in John 7:37-38

On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'"

Jesus calls to anyone who thirsts. As He was talking with the Samaritan woman at the well He tells her that,

"Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:13-14

Not only does He beckon us to come, but He promises to quench our thirst and provide a spring of living water to flow from our hearts. This morning it wasn't the abundant life or even the satisfaction of never thirsting again that struck my heart, it was the invitation to come.

Life has been so busy lately. I moved home from school in mid June and the craziness began. There were weddings and funerals and family members in the hospital, not to mention raising support and spending ten days in Wisconsin for training. Somehow when my life gets busy I click into survival mode. My relationship with the Lord becomes like a fast food restaurant; I drive by and get what I need to keep going. But why do I settle for just the bare minimum when I have this beautiful invitation to "Come." He is the God of the Universe and I ask for a parking space.

But something was different this morning. I was floating along in the water just spending some time with the Lord and thanking Him for this time of rest. He reminded me that this is what it's like to just be with Him- to rest in His heart and not just the blessings of His hand. He invites me into rest with Him on a daily basis and I shouldn't need a vacation just to remind me of that (although I'm still thankful that He uses vacation!). There are so many times when I think the solution to my problems is to escape, and sometimes it is good to get away for awhile, but most of the time I need more of Jesus more than I need less of other things. He is the one who puts a spring of living water in my heart. He is the one who invites me to rest and who invites me to be a part of His work. There is joy in being cleansed with the water and there is joy in His waves of mercy.

Hope

"Pray for an advocate" they told as at ONS. "An advocate is someone who can speak on your behalf, who has influence and knows and believes in you and your work with InterVarsity."

As Natalia went on to talk about her advocate and the ways he encouraged her during her down times and motivated her to want to do her fundraising when she wasn't feeling up to it, I thought it all sounded too good to be true. Advocate? That sounds like someone who is more dedicated to my ministry them I am. I seriously doubt that is possibly, especially with my "do-it-herself" and "Miss Independence" nature. Even still, having someone who could be a strong supporter, someone who could speak on my behalf to potential donors, sounded fabulous.

"Dear Jesus, I don't exactly know, but I think I want one of those. I'm tired on my own, would you give me that kind of encouragement as I struggle through this time of raising my support?"

That's the prayer I said last night as I was falling asleep. It had been a long busy day of little productivity, and still my percent raised was at a stand still. What am I doing wrong? If You can provide these one time gifts, can you also please provide actual partners who are just as excited about this ministry as I am, and who want to contribute financially as well as emotionally and prayerfully. I can't do it on my own- raise funds, or go to campus, and I need to start intentionally making myself let others take care of me when they offer.

After brainstorming some potential "IV advocates" at ONS, I was completely disheartened to come home and find a letter from an individual on my brainstorm list, asking to be removed from my mailing list. I was anticipating this person's wild enthusiasm and returned to find dead nonchalance. "Okay Lord, but You have to be bigger."

Talking with my Dad this morning over the breakfast table, He reminded me of the greatness of the Lord and even the struggle of the saints in the Bible. There is no other man in this world that knows exactly when I need to cry a few tears and just hear solid truth and encouragement. He reminded me that I have stepped out in faith, and that although it is a beautiful thing, it does not come without days of worry or times of tears. He brought me to Hebrews 11 reminding me that "Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." It all sounds pretty until you dig a little deeper and discover that to hope for something is to "groan together in the pains of childbirth" [Romans 8:22], and to have a conviction over something that is not seen is to struggle and wait for it with patience, "for who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience" [Romans 8:24-25]. Patience? Groaning? Yep, that all sounds like me as I journey through this time of support raising. Bear with me as I bring in more scripture, but right now it is healing for my heart to be writing all of this and to be learning this scripture as I write it out.

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
Romans 5:1-5

Sufferings, character, hope, brokenness. Thank goodness God has seen fit to abundantly pour his love into my heart through the Holy Spirit. Thank goodness that "we have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." A hope that "enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf" (Hebrews 6:19-20). Hope is not a new thing. It's not a struggle foreign to anyone not on staff. Our hope can be anchored in the Lord, firm and secure, because He has gone before us. He has prepared the way and it is Him who has called us into this ministry field.

Maybe all that I've to do was done a long time ago on that bloody cross. There was LIFE before my life, there was MINISTRY before my ministry, there was PROVISION even before I had need. For the sake of my future students, my donors, my family, and myself, I thank the LORD that the Truth is not contingent on my ability to believe it or preach it. He is El Roi- the God who sees me, and He is Jehovah Jireh- God my Provider. May I rest in that today.

Saved By Grace

There is a song I was struck by the other night as I was driving home. I've heard it before I just never fully understood the lyrics. In this song, entitled "Undo" by Rush of Fools, they sing:

"To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be"

And I was just thinking how bold it is for them to come straight out and proclaim to the world that not only are they hypocrites, but the disease of hypocrisy is ingrained in their very character. Hypocrisy is something I've tried my entire life to avoid. I've seen it enough in the Church that I never wanted it to be true of myself. But I think the truth is that anyone who tries to make a stand for anything will inevitably be a hypocrite. We can not live perfect lives but better yet, we weren't called to live perfect lives! Isn't that what Christianity is about? The fact that we cannot live a life of righteousness but that Jesus Christ lived it in our place. The theologian Charles Spurgeon once said,

"if your sin is small then your savior will be small also. But if your sin is great then your savior must be great."

As Christians we must learn to admit that our sin is great. To say we are free from hypocrisy would be hypocritical. We have got to be honest, because honesty in our sin shows a deep belief in the greatness of our God to overcome it.

I had the lyrics of this song up on my away message one night and a friend responded with this statement:

"To label you a daughter of the King would be only scratching the surface of who you've been saved by grace to be."

What encouraging truth! That as Christian men and women we are daughters and sons of the Most High God and as such, we are free to admit who we really are because He has saved us by His grace for His glory and our benefit.

Men of the Master

My brother attends a Christian camp every summer called Deerfoot Lodge, located in the Adirondack Mountains of upstate New York. Every month during the year he also receives a newsletter from Deerfoot that is addressed to “Men of the Master.” I love that phrase. It describes men who love the Lord and serve Him as Master. I have been blessed and privileged to encounter several of those men here in Wisconsin. These are men that are unashamed of their love for Him and bear His image in the midst of their own brokenness. I am drawn to the Holy Spirit in them and I always come away encouraged. Godliness is such an attractive quality, but it's a kind of quality that pushes me away from depending on them to wanting to grow deeper in my own walk with the Lord. Yet it is such a blessing to have them walk beside me. Men that love the Lord have a slice of God’s glory within them that is foreign to me as a woman. And I think that in the same sense, women have a slice of the glory of the Lord within them that is different than what the men have. Romans chapter 12:9-13 says,

“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.”

This passage just reminds me that we are to be brothers and sisters in Christ, striving to show honor to one another in the name of the Lord. Because I am a girl I am used to living within the context of women and seeing the ways that they love the Lord, but there’s something that stands out to me when men genuinely love the Lord and “contribute to the needs of the saints” no matter what others say or think. These men are hard to come by, because even in our Christian circles there is a lot of temptation for men to compete with one another or to just stay in comfortable silence. But something in my heart just melts when I see "men of the Master" that go beyond just their duties and fully embody the power of the Gospel in their lives. There is a sense of Biblical manhood that these men are grounded in. They have a certain strength about them that comforts me and inspires me to run harder towards my Master.

It is the Lord Christ you are serving

More thoughts on stubbornness:

I forgot to mention in yesterday’s post that the reason I was thinking through all that is because InterVarsity likes to impose lots of rules and structures. A lot of these are good and I have learned to see the value in them and have intentionally tried to invite the Holy Spirit to soften my heart towards these structures. Even still my heart is sinful and rebellious. There was a point this week when we were being asked to participate in something that to me, felt like a waste of time. I was anxious and starting to verbally complain when the Spirit began to prick my own spirit that I needed to bend my heart. So I went away for a little bit and spent some time in the Lord’s presence. I love that He lets me come to Him just as I am- with all of my anxiety and strong-willed thinking. I was telling Him how I didn’t want to do this activity and that I didn’t even like it or the person asking me to do it, and He interrupted me and just said, “but Linds, you love ME.” He said it so lovingly and so simply and I was humbled. He was calling me to obedience simply because of His character and my love for Him. He has called me to InterVarsity not for the sake of InterVarsity, but for the sake of His name and glory. And as a result, I am free to obey the structures because it is ultimately the Lord that I am serving. I was reminded of Derek Webb’s live album entitled “House Show” where he takes a moment to tell us,

“all the behavior modification in the world will never change your heart, but Jesus however, he does change our hearts.”

It’s so true. Jesus is slowly and gently changing my rebellious heart and pulling me into a deeper love for Him. I wrote this verse on the back of my nametag so I would be daily reminded of my submission to the Lord above all else:

“Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” Colossians 3:22-24

Amen. It is the Lord Christ I am serving- may it always be.

Wrestling

I’ve been learning quite a few things here in Wisconsin this week; probably none of them having to do with what is being taught. But as we end these last few days of Orientation for New Staff, I’m going to try to post the things I’ve been processing.

I like structure. My own structure. I do not like being asked to conform to someone else’s rules unless I deeply respect the person who is asking. This is a problem, especially being involved in a highly structured organization like InterVarsity. There are some rules and traditions that I don’t agree with and I find myself wondering why everyone else just seems to blindly follow them. Cynthia Tobias, a learning styles expert and a favorite author of mine says,

“It can be said that we use our strong wills almost as often as we breathe. It is so deeply ingrained in us we often struggle to understand why everyone doesn’t share the depth and strength of our convictions.”

Although she uses pretty words like “depth” and “strength of conviction”, to anyone else my strong will looks like rebellion and stubbornness. The fact that I will fight to the death before surrendering my hard-won independence is lost on many well-meaning authority figures in my life. I look normal. I look obedient. They all too quickly realize that if they want my obedience they have to fight hard to win my respect. There are probably only three people in my life who have earned the right to demand my utter obedience at any moment- my dad, my pastor, and my God. My dad has the gentlest heart of anyone I know- His graciousness and generosity won my heart from day one. He is still the only guy I know that can bring me to tears as I am reminded of the depth of his character. My pastor, who used to be my staff worker, fought through two years of my doubting and resistance before I trusted him and submitted to his leadership. His own strong-will and absolute devotion to the Lord gave me a model for my own walk. Then there’s the Lord, who is the only one who will ever understand me completely. He loves my tears, giggles, struggles, and even strong-will, more than anyone I know. It is because of His indelible grace even in the midst of my total depravity that draws my heart to Him. My independent and rebellious heart fights Him on many things, but in the end I can do nothing but bow before His throne in reverence. I am thankful that He allows me to wrestle with Him, and I am even more thankful that He always wins.

God is good

I searched the Fund Development Manual up and down. There is no section called “what to say when someone receives your letter on the day their spouse dies but they still want to talk to you and support you.” I was literally headed out the door to meet my friend Evan at Panera and then go to Busch Gardens for a mindless day of screaming on roller coasters (they actually make me laugh more than they make me scream, but that's another story). I checked the weather one last time, grabbed my wallet, and started to reach for the door when my cell phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize so I let it go. And then I kicked myself, realizing that of course I'd be getting calls from numbers I don't recognize because I put my number on my staff letter. With a silent vow to be more professional and pick up all calls from now on, I punched in the password for my voicemail. It was a message that shook me to the core and something I will always remember as proof of God's sweet Sovereignty and intimate Grace. It was a message from an old friend of the family saying that she received my letter on the day her husband had passed away but she was so touched to receive my letter and be reminded that the work of the Lord was continuing in other aspects and different areas. She wanted to support me. My first thought was, who reads their mail on the day the their spouse dies? And secondly, who but someone filled with the Holy Spirit would decide to give financial support, even in the midst of facing leftover medical bills, hospital bills, funeral costs, and the distinct knowledge that at age 60 she would have to support herself for the rest of her life.

Now, I need to explain to you a little bit about her husband Bert. As a boy he grew up with a deep love for both swimming and painting. One afternoon at age 15, he dove off a dock and accidentally landed in shallow water. The result was a spinal cord injury and total paralysis from the neck down. He would spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. As time passed there was some physical improvement in the use of his arms and trunk balance, but not the use of legs or fingers. During this time Bert learned how to strap a pen or paint brush into the palm of his hand so he could write or paint, and he was able to re-discover his childhood talent. The above picture is the very first one he painted after his accident. The sad clown perfectly captures his attitude. He was so funny and full of life before the accident, and though tragic and hard, the accident only subdued his smile. He continued in his art work, met his wife, Marlene (who was working with Young Life Special Education) , and continued in deep love for the Lord despite his many hardships. Marlene and Bert were an amazing team, though Bert needed constant supervision and help with even the smallest activities. To get the phone call from Marlene that he had passed away was such a shock to me. As she said herself during the memorial, "everyone always says 'Bert and Marlene' and now it's just 'Marlene' and I feel as if a part of myself is missing." I quickly scribbled down a line from the song that was sung as the mourners walked into the memorial service... "Be at rest for the Lord has been good." God is good. That was the premise of this memorial service? Here is the death of an amazing woman's husband, the loss of a son, the loss of a friend and example to many, but wait a minute, we're supposed to say, "hallelujah, God is good"?

Lately I've been coming to terms with the fact that God's glory doesn't always look like what I think it should look like. I would think He'd want to show off His goodness in flowers and cotton candy and shiny pretty things. And He does, but for the most part He chooses what is foolish in this world. He shows His goodness through things like fires, paralysis, and broken hearts. As Robin Wells says,

"God's grace is undeserved. Whatever He calls us to, and whatever He brings into our lives, the good is more than we deserve and the hardships are less."

It just doesn't make sense sometimes. How do we grapple with a God who will take away good things so that He will get more glory? Isn't that selfish? Jonathan Edwards tells us that His own glory is not a dignity too great for Him, moreover, "it is fit that His will should take place, though contrary to the will of all other beings; that He should make Himself His own end; and order all things for Himself." As I think about it more and more, any being that didn't demand His own glory as a natural outflow of His character would not be worthy of my worship. And through Bert's life and even through His death, the glory of the Lord was revealed as he learned to live through his handicap and as he continually shared joy with others. I love that his wife wants to support me because I am thoroughly looking forward to building a deeper relationship with her and learning more from her about the sacrifices she made and the life that she and her husband lived for the glory of the Lord. The night Bert passed away one of his friends wrote this song:

"A man once wheeled himself along these sanctuary aisles
And sang in richest tones of our God's grace
Though his limbs had long since turned from tool to trials
He fixed His eyes and ran the race

And now somewhere beyond this Earth he stands before a throne
And sings a song of never-ending praise
With arms raised to the God who carried him when strength was gone
Bert runs in Heaven, home at last, today."

After knowing his life, after knowing his struggles, after knowing his death, I really can say, "God is good." His goodness doesn't always look exactly the way I think it should, but it is there all the same. As I continue towards this dream of going on staff, I am thankful for the provision of supporters whose lives are so deeply wounded by the hand of the Lord that they have been privileged to see and to know that His mercies are new every single morning. They know what it is to hurt and they know what it is to rely completely on the compassion of the Lord. I want to understand with them that, "though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love" (Lamentations 3:32).

This last quote is from a book called, "A Severe Mercy", that describes the beauty and difficulty of God Sovereignty. This specific poem from the book is a reminder that God is great, His faithfulness is great, and that He is everything we need in this world.

"If everything is lost, thanks be to God
If I must see it go, watch it go,
watch it fade away, die
Thanks be to God that He is all I have
And if I have Him not, I have nothing at all
If all is lost, thanks be to God
For He is He, and I, I am only I."

Intent Cards

Along with my letter for IV I also sent each person two things. One, a business reply envelope that can be sent to IV headquartes with a donation. And two, an "intent" card to be sent back to me that would indicate how they are supporting me(prayer, money, etc.) or if they want to be taken off my mailing list.

Today I got my first two intent cards back. The first one was from an old friend of the family- he very neatly printed his name and then double checked the box that said "please take me off your list" and added a few exclamation points to the end of that sentence. In the space left open for an email address, this family friend wrote "Do not have one- I am 83 years old." I just laughed out loud and thanked the Lord for honest people. I mean if you're going to say no, you might as well say no with an emphasis!

My second intent card was from another old friend of the family. He also very neatly printed his name and then wrote that he would like to pray regularly for me and support me with $10 a month. This gift just melted my heart. Here is an old man (probably 83 or even older) who lives by himself and doesn't have a whole lot of money but has a generous heart that delights in sharing. It probably made his day to get a letter in the mail that wasn't a bill or some presorted advertising flyer. That's the kind of people I want to partner with in this ministry. People that I can bless through sharing with them how the Lord is working and people that can bless me through supporting me.

I love old people. I love the mean and bitter ones because I feel like they have a right to be that way, but I also love the kind-hearted ones that don't have to be kind to you but do it because it's in their nature. I hope when I'm 83 I will be the kind that gives away what little I have. Especially because in this moment I've never been more grateful for $10 a month.

Enough-ness

Enough. That word is the source of my heart’s deepest wound and greatest struggles. Are you enough? Am I enough? Will there be enough? I would have been that disciple that declared to Jesus “Send the crowds away… we have here only five loaves of bread and two fish” (Matthew 14). Jesus, there is not enough, send the people away.

And if I wasn’t a disciple then I would have been one of the families that I’m sure left before the miracle was performed. I would have realized it was dinner time, and seeing that the disciples did not have enough for everyone, I would have gathered my children and left. Come on kids, there’s not enough here, we’ll go find our own supper. I wonder if anyone did that. And I wonder if Jesus saw them leave, His heart saddened by their lack of trust in His enough-ness. They didn’t trust that His teaching was worth an empty stomach, and their hearts weren’t secure enough to dream that maybe He would see their need for food and provide enough for them. They missed a miracle. And really, Scripture does not tell us that there were a few families who snuck off instead of waiting there until Jesus fed them, but I just know that if the feeding of the 5,000 happened at CNU, I would have been the kid that left, skeptical and independent, before the miracle even occurred.

As I think about fundraising and how much I have to raise and the struggles that I am going through and inevitably will hit, I return to my heart's favorite question. "Will You be enough?" Are You really sure You can handle me? I'm going to be scared and messy and confused, are You really bigger, are You really everything I'll ever need?

The other day I took one of my last trips to Lion's Bridge, my sanctuary from life since freshman year. I was sitting on my favorite tree by the river realizing that this place has held four years of boys, leadership, studying for tests, relaxing, pictures with my favorites, sunsets, and time with the Lord. I was watching two heron fly over the water, just fifteen feet in front of me and I wondered how there could be a place better than this- so rich in beauty and memories and security. And I was thinking about staff and how I will have to move home in a few days and then move to JMU next year and then Lord willing, move on to a permanent placement. And it all seemed like so much uncertainty and my heart asked again, "Lord, will You be enough?" And he answered me through one of my favorite songs, Still Voices, by P.W.Gopal. In the song, a girl named Mary asks the same question and the response is,

"Mary, you can't keep this up.
Would you sit still?
And let me whisper you My will.
My still voice, it begs...
"I’ll hold you, love you, I am your Daddy, Mary
I’ll lead you, dance so close to you, just call me Daddy
I made you, kept you, I am your Portion
I’ll hold you, love you, I am your Daddy
…I am your Daddy"

That day sitting on the tree by the river, I heard God sigh and say, "Linds, seriously? I have rescued you so many times before, please just believe I WILL do it again. You can't keep questioning me. I am faithful and you know it, won't you please just rest in that knowledge? When will you stop clamoring and just sit still to hear the comfort of my gentle whisper? Quit trying to be independent, do not be too prideful to let me in, because I am your Portion."

And all I can say in response to that is Hallelujah that my God is big enough to know me better than I know myself and speak to me in the depths of my greatest fear and greatest sin. And He does not speak with condemnation, no, He speaks with a longing to set me free from the bondage I create for myself. If that is not "enough" then I have no hope. But it is MORE than enough, in all things. And THAT is love. And love so amazing, so divine, DEMANDS my soul, my life, my all.