Hope

"Pray for an advocate" they told as at ONS. "An advocate is someone who can speak on your behalf, who has influence and knows and believes in you and your work with InterVarsity."

As Natalia went on to talk about her advocate and the ways he encouraged her during her down times and motivated her to want to do her fundraising when she wasn't feeling up to it, I thought it all sounded too good to be true. Advocate? That sounds like someone who is more dedicated to my ministry them I am. I seriously doubt that is possibly, especially with my "do-it-herself" and "Miss Independence" nature. Even still, having someone who could be a strong supporter, someone who could speak on my behalf to potential donors, sounded fabulous.

"Dear Jesus, I don't exactly know, but I think I want one of those. I'm tired on my own, would you give me that kind of encouragement as I struggle through this time of raising my support?"

That's the prayer I said last night as I was falling asleep. It had been a long busy day of little productivity, and still my percent raised was at a stand still. What am I doing wrong? If You can provide these one time gifts, can you also please provide actual partners who are just as excited about this ministry as I am, and who want to contribute financially as well as emotionally and prayerfully. I can't do it on my own- raise funds, or go to campus, and I need to start intentionally making myself let others take care of me when they offer.

After brainstorming some potential "IV advocates" at ONS, I was completely disheartened to come home and find a letter from an individual on my brainstorm list, asking to be removed from my mailing list. I was anticipating this person's wild enthusiasm and returned to find dead nonchalance. "Okay Lord, but You have to be bigger."

Talking with my Dad this morning over the breakfast table, He reminded me of the greatness of the Lord and even the struggle of the saints in the Bible. There is no other man in this world that knows exactly when I need to cry a few tears and just hear solid truth and encouragement. He reminded me that I have stepped out in faith, and that although it is a beautiful thing, it does not come without days of worry or times of tears. He brought me to Hebrews 11 reminding me that "Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." It all sounds pretty until you dig a little deeper and discover that to hope for something is to "groan together in the pains of childbirth" [Romans 8:22], and to have a conviction over something that is not seen is to struggle and wait for it with patience, "for who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience" [Romans 8:24-25]. Patience? Groaning? Yep, that all sounds like me as I journey through this time of support raising. Bear with me as I bring in more scripture, but right now it is healing for my heart to be writing all of this and to be learning this scripture as I write it out.

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
Romans 5:1-5

Sufferings, character, hope, brokenness. Thank goodness God has seen fit to abundantly pour his love into my heart through the Holy Spirit. Thank goodness that "we have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." A hope that "enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf" (Hebrews 6:19-20). Hope is not a new thing. It's not a struggle foreign to anyone not on staff. Our hope can be anchored in the Lord, firm and secure, because He has gone before us. He has prepared the way and it is Him who has called us into this ministry field.

Maybe all that I've to do was done a long time ago on that bloody cross. There was LIFE before my life, there was MINISTRY before my ministry, there was PROVISION even before I had need. For the sake of my future students, my donors, my family, and myself, I thank the LORD that the Truth is not contingent on my ability to believe it or preach it. He is El Roi- the God who sees me, and He is Jehovah Jireh- God my Provider. May I rest in that today.