Wrestling

I’ve been learning quite a few things here in Wisconsin this week; probably none of them having to do with what is being taught. But as we end these last few days of Orientation for New Staff, I’m going to try to post the things I’ve been processing.

I like structure. My own structure. I do not like being asked to conform to someone else’s rules unless I deeply respect the person who is asking. This is a problem, especially being involved in a highly structured organization like InterVarsity. There are some rules and traditions that I don’t agree with and I find myself wondering why everyone else just seems to blindly follow them. Cynthia Tobias, a learning styles expert and a favorite author of mine says,

“It can be said that we use our strong wills almost as often as we breathe. It is so deeply ingrained in us we often struggle to understand why everyone doesn’t share the depth and strength of our convictions.”

Although she uses pretty words like “depth” and “strength of conviction”, to anyone else my strong will looks like rebellion and stubbornness. The fact that I will fight to the death before surrendering my hard-won independence is lost on many well-meaning authority figures in my life. I look normal. I look obedient. They all too quickly realize that if they want my obedience they have to fight hard to win my respect. There are probably only three people in my life who have earned the right to demand my utter obedience at any moment- my dad, my pastor, and my God. My dad has the gentlest heart of anyone I know- His graciousness and generosity won my heart from day one. He is still the only guy I know that can bring me to tears as I am reminded of the depth of his character. My pastor, who used to be my staff worker, fought through two years of my doubting and resistance before I trusted him and submitted to his leadership. His own strong-will and absolute devotion to the Lord gave me a model for my own walk. Then there’s the Lord, who is the only one who will ever understand me completely. He loves my tears, giggles, struggles, and even strong-will, more than anyone I know. It is because of His indelible grace even in the midst of my total depravity that draws my heart to Him. My independent and rebellious heart fights Him on many things, but in the end I can do nothing but bow before His throne in reverence. I am thankful that He allows me to wrestle with Him, and I am even more thankful that He always wins.