Enough-ness

Enough. That word is the source of my heart’s deepest wound and greatest struggles. Are you enough? Am I enough? Will there be enough? I would have been that disciple that declared to Jesus “Send the crowds away… we have here only five loaves of bread and two fish” (Matthew 14). Jesus, there is not enough, send the people away.

And if I wasn’t a disciple then I would have been one of the families that I’m sure left before the miracle was performed. I would have realized it was dinner time, and seeing that the disciples did not have enough for everyone, I would have gathered my children and left. Come on kids, there’s not enough here, we’ll go find our own supper. I wonder if anyone did that. And I wonder if Jesus saw them leave, His heart saddened by their lack of trust in His enough-ness. They didn’t trust that His teaching was worth an empty stomach, and their hearts weren’t secure enough to dream that maybe He would see their need for food and provide enough for them. They missed a miracle. And really, Scripture does not tell us that there were a few families who snuck off instead of waiting there until Jesus fed them, but I just know that if the feeding of the 5,000 happened at CNU, I would have been the kid that left, skeptical and independent, before the miracle even occurred.

As I think about fundraising and how much I have to raise and the struggles that I am going through and inevitably will hit, I return to my heart's favorite question. "Will You be enough?" Are You really sure You can handle me? I'm going to be scared and messy and confused, are You really bigger, are You really everything I'll ever need?

The other day I took one of my last trips to Lion's Bridge, my sanctuary from life since freshman year. I was sitting on my favorite tree by the river realizing that this place has held four years of boys, leadership, studying for tests, relaxing, pictures with my favorites, sunsets, and time with the Lord. I was watching two heron fly over the water, just fifteen feet in front of me and I wondered how there could be a place better than this- so rich in beauty and memories and security. And I was thinking about staff and how I will have to move home in a few days and then move to JMU next year and then Lord willing, move on to a permanent placement. And it all seemed like so much uncertainty and my heart asked again, "Lord, will You be enough?" And he answered me through one of my favorite songs, Still Voices, by P.W.Gopal. In the song, a girl named Mary asks the same question and the response is,

"Mary, you can't keep this up.
Would you sit still?
And let me whisper you My will.
My still voice, it begs...
"I’ll hold you, love you, I am your Daddy, Mary
I’ll lead you, dance so close to you, just call me Daddy
I made you, kept you, I am your Portion
I’ll hold you, love you, I am your Daddy
…I am your Daddy"

That day sitting on the tree by the river, I heard God sigh and say, "Linds, seriously? I have rescued you so many times before, please just believe I WILL do it again. You can't keep questioning me. I am faithful and you know it, won't you please just rest in that knowledge? When will you stop clamoring and just sit still to hear the comfort of my gentle whisper? Quit trying to be independent, do not be too prideful to let me in, because I am your Portion."

And all I can say in response to that is Hallelujah that my God is big enough to know me better than I know myself and speak to me in the depths of my greatest fear and greatest sin. And He does not speak with condemnation, no, He speaks with a longing to set me free from the bondage I create for myself. If that is not "enough" then I have no hope. But it is MORE than enough, in all things. And THAT is love. And love so amazing, so divine, DEMANDS my soul, my life, my all.