New Mercies

I think the initial romance of raising support has worn off. I am now at the stage where if I slow down long enough I want to either throw-up or cry. When did this shift occur? It's hard to say. Maybe it started early on as I pieced together my dream of being on campus on time. Maybe it's sinking in more as the "back to school" stuff is being put out at Target. Maybe it started the first day I raised zero support. Maybe it started with the first "no" I received. Maybe I'm just low on motivation.

The reality is that I've raised 32% of my support and that is a lot. It just isn't enough when my Area Director says I have to be at 87% before August 15th.

And so with an anxious and heavy heart I turned to Scripture for encouragement. I was reminded of the passage in Matthew 20 of the laborers in the vineyard. Picture this. Early in the morning, a street corner filled with people in need of a job. A master of a house who seeks them out to work in his fields. Coffee cups get tossed aside as they eagerly accept the offer and go into the vineyards- proud of their job and anticipating their pay. Throughout the morning as others join them they are glad for the extra help and company. Lunch time comes and the sun is high, beating down mercilessly on already aching bodies. Yet the workers press on, faithful to earn their reward.

The master of the house continues to search the streets and as he finds more and more in need of a job he calls them to work in his fields. An hour before the workday ends he finds a group of workers still standing on the street. After finding out that no one had hired them all day long, the master had compassion on them and sent them to work the last hour in his fields.

When the day is over the master calls for all of the workers to be paid beginning with the last, up to the first. Scripture says it better,

And when those hired about the eleventh hour came, each of them received a denarius. Now when those hired first came, they thought they would receive more, but each of them also received a denarius. And on receiving it they grumbled at the master of the house, saying, "these last worked only one hour, and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the day and the scorching heat." But he replied to them, "Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Did you not agree with me for a denarius? Take what belongs to you and go. I choose to give to this last worker as I give to you. Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity? So the last will be first and the first last."
Matthew 20:9-16

This is where my petty complaints and whining come to an end. How many times have I looked at another intern and been jealous of their higher percentage, their amazing donors, or even their own satisfaction in their work? How many times have I thought that my "harder" struggles should result in higher reward? But this passage smacks me in the face with God's goodness and Sovereignty. He's saying, "Calm down Linds! Take what belongs to you and go be satisfied with it and with all that I am. I measure the faith of each one (Romans 12:3) and am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Do not begrudge my generosity for I have been generous to you as well."

Every time I am tempted to say "it's not fair" and start complaining based on my comparisons to others, I am reminded of something my staff worker once said:

"The LAST thing you want from a Holy God is justice."

And it's true. The beauty of grace is that it makes life unfair. God is not mocked. He is a God of justice but He is also a God of mercy. Romans 9:15-16 says,

"For He says to Moses, 'I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.' So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy."

At first glance this verse is kind of a slap in the face. It tells me that it doesn't matter how pretty my letter looks or how many hours I spend praying over them and organizing them and sending them out to potential donors. The only thing that matters is that in the end if I am to go on staff it will be because of the Mercy of God. It won't be because of my effort, and it won't be because I did a better job of fundraising than some other interns. No, it will be solely to the praise and glory of God's mercy and transforming power.

I have been learning this same lesson for awhile now and it has started to play out in a different way. Not only does it apply to my work as an intern trying to raise support, but it applies to my view of my struggles compared to others. Because I have had to deal with a lot of pain and struggles in my life I am used to hearing things like "anyone God uses significantly is always deeply wounded" and "the lesson is in the struggle not in the victory". But while those statements comfort me in times of struggling, I think they may actually do more harm than good when I encounter someone who is blessed to not have to struggle as much as I do. That thought of significance in struggles has cultivated in my heart a sense of pride almost- that God has loved me enough to give me hardships. And it is true, suffering is a part of how we relate to Christ. However, there are people that the Lord has blessed to not have major struggles as a part of their daily lives and who am I to discount the strength of their walk because of that? Does He not have mercy on whom He has mercy? Am I really going to begrudge His generosity?

I don't understand why God is the way He is, and why He chooses to reveal Himself differently in each person's life. But for today I am thankful for my struggles that show me more of who He is, and I am also thankful for those in my life who do not struggle as much as I do. Those who I can invite into my struggles so they may share my burdens, and those that I can learn from and rejoice with in both good and hard times. It all belongs to the Lord. He is always good, and His mercies are new every morning.