New Mercies

I think the initial romance of raising support has worn off. I am now at the stage where if I slow down long enough I want to either throw-up or cry. When did this shift occur? It's hard to say. Maybe it started early on as I pieced together my dream of being on campus on time. Maybe it's sinking in more as the "back to school" stuff is being put out at Target. Maybe it started the first day I raised zero support. Maybe it started with the first "no" I received. Maybe I'm just low on motivation.

The reality is that I've raised 32% of my support and that is a lot. It just isn't enough when my Area Director says I have to be at 87% before August 15th.

And so with an anxious and heavy heart I turned to Scripture for encouragement. I was reminded of the passage in Matthew 20 of the laborers in the vineyard. Picture this. Early in the morning, a street corner filled with people in need of a job. A master of a house who seeks them out to work in his fields. Coffee cups get tossed aside as they eagerly accept the offer and go into the vineyards- proud of their job and anticipating their pay. Throughout the morning as others join them they are glad for the extra help and company. Lunch time comes and the sun is high, beating down mercilessly on already aching bodies. Yet the workers press on, faithful to earn their reward.

The master of the house continues to search the streets and as he finds more and more in need of a job he calls them to work in his fields. An hour before the workday ends he finds a group of workers still standing on the street. After finding out that no one had hired them all day long, the master had compassion on them and sent them to work the last hour in his fields.

When the day is over the master calls for all of the workers to be paid beginning with the last, up to the first. Scripture says it better,

And when those hired about the eleventh hour came, each of them received a denarius. Now when those hired first came, they thought they would receive more, but each of them also received a denarius. And on receiving it they grumbled at the master of the house, saying, "these last worked only one hour, and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the day and the scorching heat." But he replied to them, "Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Did you not agree with me for a denarius? Take what belongs to you and go. I choose to give to this last worker as I give to you. Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity? So the last will be first and the first last."
Matthew 20:9-16

This is where my petty complaints and whining come to an end. How many times have I looked at another intern and been jealous of their higher percentage, their amazing donors, or even their own satisfaction in their work? How many times have I thought that my "harder" struggles should result in higher reward? But this passage smacks me in the face with God's goodness and Sovereignty. He's saying, "Calm down Linds! Take what belongs to you and go be satisfied with it and with all that I am. I measure the faith of each one (Romans 12:3) and am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Do not begrudge my generosity for I have been generous to you as well."

Every time I am tempted to say "it's not fair" and start complaining based on my comparisons to others, I am reminded of something my staff worker once said:

"The LAST thing you want from a Holy God is justice."

And it's true. The beauty of grace is that it makes life unfair. God is not mocked. He is a God of justice but He is also a God of mercy. Romans 9:15-16 says,

"For He says to Moses, 'I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.' So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy."

At first glance this verse is kind of a slap in the face. It tells me that it doesn't matter how pretty my letter looks or how many hours I spend praying over them and organizing them and sending them out to potential donors. The only thing that matters is that in the end if I am to go on staff it will be because of the Mercy of God. It won't be because of my effort, and it won't be because I did a better job of fundraising than some other interns. No, it will be solely to the praise and glory of God's mercy and transforming power.

I have been learning this same lesson for awhile now and it has started to play out in a different way. Not only does it apply to my work as an intern trying to raise support, but it applies to my view of my struggles compared to others. Because I have had to deal with a lot of pain and struggles in my life I am used to hearing things like "anyone God uses significantly is always deeply wounded" and "the lesson is in the struggle not in the victory". But while those statements comfort me in times of struggling, I think they may actually do more harm than good when I encounter someone who is blessed to not have to struggle as much as I do. That thought of significance in struggles has cultivated in my heart a sense of pride almost- that God has loved me enough to give me hardships. And it is true, suffering is a part of how we relate to Christ. However, there are people that the Lord has blessed to not have major struggles as a part of their daily lives and who am I to discount the strength of their walk because of that? Does He not have mercy on whom He has mercy? Am I really going to begrudge His generosity?

I don't understand why God is the way He is, and why He chooses to reveal Himself differently in each person's life. But for today I am thankful for my struggles that show me more of who He is, and I am also thankful for those in my life who do not struggle as much as I do. Those who I can invite into my struggles so they may share my burdens, and those that I can learn from and rejoice with in both good and hard times. It all belongs to the Lord. He is always good, and His mercies are new every morning.

Monday

It's been a long day. I woke up this morning with a migraine headache that had also tormented me through the night. A quick look in the mirror showed zits still alive and well and my vacation tan disappearing. Any thoughts I had of wearing clothes today were apparently un-necessary. The laundry doesn't wash itself. So I stumbled downstairs still in my pajamas and let out a long grumble towards the mountain of paperwork waiting for me. I checked my cell phone to see I had already missed 5 calls and it was only 9:17a.m. I opened my email to see 21 messages waiting for me- ones that hadn't been there when I turned off my computer at 2:30a.m. the night before.

Oh Monday.

As I sorted through the paperwork and emails I discovered that I was denied health insurance yet again, leaving me still uninsured and utterly frustrated with the entire system. Basically they are telling me I am too sick to have health insurance. Gotta love America.

But then the tide shifted.

As I listened to my voice messages, two of them stuck out to me. One was from my Area Director telling me he thought I had been recording my donors incorrectly and that I was at a much higher percent than I thought. And the next message was from my cousin asking if she could become a donor. Both messages were good news and just the lift I needed to get working hard today.

So I called my Area Director and he was able to walk me through each donor and how to enter it into our system. When we were finished I realized that I am at a percentage that is more than double what I originally thought. I still have a long long way to go before I'm allowed to be on campus, but seeing the huge gap fill in just a little bit gave me so much encouragement. I can not wait to start hanging out with those JMU kids and I love that I am that much closer to getting there. I was thrilled by this news and encouraged to dig deeper into the work I am doing now so that hopefully that gap will continue to close more and more. There was just one detail that was left uncertain and as I worked I became anxious about that detail and how I would have to overcome it. But just now as my day ended I checked back with my Area Director and with my account and discovered that it had been taken care of- I didn't have to do anything after all. Praise the Lord that He cares about the tiniest details of our life, even when they give us un-necessary anxiety. It's been a long day and I am exhausted and there are some things like insurance that have not worked themselves out, but coming back to my account and seeing that one detail taken care of reminded me that God is bigger. There's a country song that I was
reminded of tonight that says,

"You've got someone here
Wants to make it all right
Someone that loves you more
Than life right here
You've got willing arms that'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here
I know your heart can get
All tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me"

What a sweet reminder that the Lord knows what I need and longs to provide it. He will accomplish for us all that He asks of us. He is bigger than migraines and insurance and fund raising. He doesn't care that the laundry is not done and that I have so much paperwork still to tackle. He wants my heart, He knows my heart, and more than that He delights in my heart. What a great way to end the day.

Just Me

"She is stubborn,
she is romantic,
and a little too loyal for her own good.
She loves to laugh but you have to let her; free her from herself.
She is passionate,
she leads well,
but her heart is fragile.
Treasure her love and you will make her world."

This One's For the Girls...

I woke up this morning thinking of a few points made by John Piper in His "Challenge to Women." He challenges us to be devoted to the glory of God; to trust the promises of Christ so fully that His joy and strength can't help but to overflow from our lives. That sounds like a beautiful woman to me, and I long to be her. But somehow I always fall short. My tendency is to do work for the Lord instead of doing work with the Lord. There's a Big Daddy Weave song that speaks against this saying,

"My dilemma is an issue of the heart, when I try to live for you without you."

I think a lot of times as women we disregard the state of being with the Lord so that we can focus more on our results. But the truth is that we can not produce good fruit without disciplining our own hearts to be still before the Lord. It is there in His presence that we are able to soak up His character. Aren't we called to love the things that Jesus loves? He loves the Church, He loves people, Scripture, prayer; and He loves the character of God.

Proverbs 4:23 tells us to guard our hearts above all else, for it is the wellspring of life. I think as women we often use this verse to help us in our "plight of singleness." We use it to ward off men and sometimes we even use it to challenge the men in our lives, saying things like "you have to help me guard my heart" etc. And I do think this verse applies to guarding our hearts against emotional damage that can come from relationships. However, this past week being at the shore with the beach, the sound, a pool, and a hot tub, there is a certain language that has risen up in my heart dealing with water (shocker). And the concept of the heart being a "wellspring of life" has struck me in a new way. Earlier I blogged about the passage in John 4 where Jesus tells us that the water He gives will become in us a spring of water welling up to eternal life. To me that is a beautiful promise. Not only does it promise satisfaction and eternal life for our own hearts but I think it also describes an overabundance that we might share this eternal life with others.

As women, we are physically designed to bear life in our bodies. But I think it is just as true that our hearts also long to give life. We love to talk about our feelings and know the struggles and joys of those we love. We take joy in practicing acts of love towards our friends and family because it is a refreshment to their lives and a glory to our Father in heaven. We have small groups, accountability groups, and best friends because we desire to point each other's hearts back to the life that is in Christ. But what would it look like if we trusted the promises of the Lord so fully that we not only had an abundance of life for ourselves but for others as well? A lot of times we try to offer life out of our own selves, but we end up discouraged and more empty than before because there is not life in that. But there is a "wellspring of life" in Christ. The challenge I want for myself is to be the kind of woman that dwells in that wellspring because she knows that is her only source of life for her own heart and for others. Andrew Peterson sings a song about a family that

"walked in the rain of His mercy-
let it soak them down to bones.
They'd dance in its rivers and splash in its streams as they'd go."

Girls, let's be the kind of people who walk daily in the rain of God's mercy because our hearts fully trust in its life. And let's allow ourselves to be so satisfied that we can't help but to dance and splash and invite others to join us.

Vacation

Yesterday was my first real day of vacation. Ever. In my life. At some point over Christmas break my mom and I realized that our family had never actually taken a "family vacation." Sure we've been down the shore and we used to go to Camp-of-the-Woods for a few weeks when we were little, but we had always gone on vacation with the express purpose of taking care of other individuals in our extended family. We had never gone away just us, just because.

So we sat down and figured out a way to cut back costs (eat out less, don't buy bottled water, etc.) and we saved up and rented a house in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I've always wanted to go to the Outer Banks- all those people with OBX bumper stickers on their car- and I wanted to be part of the cool kids club.

It's official. I've now seen why they are in love with this place, and I have fallen as well.

Our house is off the hook. No joke. There is a pool in the backyard, a hot tub, and we're two blocks from the Ocean. I don't know why I bothered to bring clothes, all you need here is a swimsuit for the day and pajama's at night. I didn't realize real vacation was this amazing. I'm used to waking up at 6:30a.m. by hyper little cousins and their smelly dogs that need to go for a walk. I'm used to four of us in a room, sleeping bags on the floor, no A.C. and a shower if you get lucky. I'm used to having to sit around the breakfast table until 11:30 when everyone was finally finished with breakfast, and then aching to go to the beach but having to prepare a packed lunch first. And then we'd have to leave the beach by 5:30 because goodness knows we need a five course dinner.

Vacation? No I've never really had one. This one tops the charts and may have spoiled every day life from now on. Both mornings that I've been here I've been up with the sun because I know I can take a nap later if I want to. I make coffee and slip outside to watch the sunrise over the Sound. Then it's downstairs to the pool. There are two benches that are built into the side of the pool so that I can sit in the water but still sip my coffee. I just sit there and talk to Jesus and admire the morning He created. Then I usually have an hour or so of swimming and floating around in the pool before anyone else is up. Then for the rest of the day it's laying out with a good book, tackling my brother underwater, body surfing at the beach, or anything else relaxing and fun. Nights are great because we all get showered and either go out for dinner or go out for ice cream. My family is ridiculously quirky and I love to spend time being goofy with them when we are all relaxed and just enjoying life. So this is what normal families have every summer! Note to self: do this again.

My favorite part of the day is the morning. I love getting up to watch the sun, I love coffee, and I love the water. Ever since I was little I loved the water. Rivers, lakes, pools, even showers. Although I must admit I am a pool pee-er. If they ever actually did invent that purple dye to stain the water whenever someone peed, I'd be caught like a fat man at an all you can eat bar. It should follow that one who loves the water also likes to drink water. It happens man. Those public pools always have those signs up asking you to uh, use the restroom, but I was never one to obey rules just for rules sake anyway. The only sign that came close to swaying me was obviously created by a strong-willed, very visual person. The sign said,

"We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool."

The image of everyone swimming around in a toilet was almost enough to make me change my ways, but alas, old habits die hard.

I swam so much when I was little that my dad used to call me his "little mermaid" (which I'm sure every dad calls his little girl) and I loved it because I had red hair just like Ariel. My grandmother's neighbors had a pool that they let us use when we were little and I would stay in that water until I was pulled out. I distinctly remember my dad convincing me on several occasions that blue lips, wrinkled fingers, and the moonlight were all signs that the day of swimming was over. But that was okay with me because I knew that the sooner I got out of the chlorine the sooner I'd get home for my bath. I did not discriminate against water. This caused a problem as I got old enough to shower because I would take a good half an hour in there- not necessarily washing, just standing and enjoying the water. Let's just say my family didn't quite have the same appreciation for long showers as I did. In high school I would often run to the river and just sit there for hours enjoying the peaceful waves lapping up on the shore. And thank goodness for Lion's Bridge in college. The river, the flowers, the birds, the trees; the place was often my sanctuary.

This morning as I was swimming with the morning sun I was reminded of the verses in John 7:37-38

On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'"

Jesus calls to anyone who thirsts. As He was talking with the Samaritan woman at the well He tells her that,

"Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:13-14

Not only does He beckon us to come, but He promises to quench our thirst and provide a spring of living water to flow from our hearts. This morning it wasn't the abundant life or even the satisfaction of never thirsting again that struck my heart, it was the invitation to come.

Life has been so busy lately. I moved home from school in mid June and the craziness began. There were weddings and funerals and family members in the hospital, not to mention raising support and spending ten days in Wisconsin for training. Somehow when my life gets busy I click into survival mode. My relationship with the Lord becomes like a fast food restaurant; I drive by and get what I need to keep going. But why do I settle for just the bare minimum when I have this beautiful invitation to "Come." He is the God of the Universe and I ask for a parking space.

But something was different this morning. I was floating along in the water just spending some time with the Lord and thanking Him for this time of rest. He reminded me that this is what it's like to just be with Him- to rest in His heart and not just the blessings of His hand. He invites me into rest with Him on a daily basis and I shouldn't need a vacation just to remind me of that (although I'm still thankful that He uses vacation!). There are so many times when I think the solution to my problems is to escape, and sometimes it is good to get away for awhile, but most of the time I need more of Jesus more than I need less of other things. He is the one who puts a spring of living water in my heart. He is the one who invites me to rest and who invites me to be a part of His work. There is joy in being cleansed with the water and there is joy in His waves of mercy.

Hope

"Pray for an advocate" they told as at ONS. "An advocate is someone who can speak on your behalf, who has influence and knows and believes in you and your work with InterVarsity."

As Natalia went on to talk about her advocate and the ways he encouraged her during her down times and motivated her to want to do her fundraising when she wasn't feeling up to it, I thought it all sounded too good to be true. Advocate? That sounds like someone who is more dedicated to my ministry them I am. I seriously doubt that is possibly, especially with my "do-it-herself" and "Miss Independence" nature. Even still, having someone who could be a strong supporter, someone who could speak on my behalf to potential donors, sounded fabulous.

"Dear Jesus, I don't exactly know, but I think I want one of those. I'm tired on my own, would you give me that kind of encouragement as I struggle through this time of raising my support?"

That's the prayer I said last night as I was falling asleep. It had been a long busy day of little productivity, and still my percent raised was at a stand still. What am I doing wrong? If You can provide these one time gifts, can you also please provide actual partners who are just as excited about this ministry as I am, and who want to contribute financially as well as emotionally and prayerfully. I can't do it on my own- raise funds, or go to campus, and I need to start intentionally making myself let others take care of me when they offer.

After brainstorming some potential "IV advocates" at ONS, I was completely disheartened to come home and find a letter from an individual on my brainstorm list, asking to be removed from my mailing list. I was anticipating this person's wild enthusiasm and returned to find dead nonchalance. "Okay Lord, but You have to be bigger."

Talking with my Dad this morning over the breakfast table, He reminded me of the greatness of the Lord and even the struggle of the saints in the Bible. There is no other man in this world that knows exactly when I need to cry a few tears and just hear solid truth and encouragement. He reminded me that I have stepped out in faith, and that although it is a beautiful thing, it does not come without days of worry or times of tears. He brought me to Hebrews 11 reminding me that "Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." It all sounds pretty until you dig a little deeper and discover that to hope for something is to "groan together in the pains of childbirth" [Romans 8:22], and to have a conviction over something that is not seen is to struggle and wait for it with patience, "for who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience" [Romans 8:24-25]. Patience? Groaning? Yep, that all sounds like me as I journey through this time of support raising. Bear with me as I bring in more scripture, but right now it is healing for my heart to be writing all of this and to be learning this scripture as I write it out.

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
Romans 5:1-5

Sufferings, character, hope, brokenness. Thank goodness God has seen fit to abundantly pour his love into my heart through the Holy Spirit. Thank goodness that "we have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." A hope that "enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf" (Hebrews 6:19-20). Hope is not a new thing. It's not a struggle foreign to anyone not on staff. Our hope can be anchored in the Lord, firm and secure, because He has gone before us. He has prepared the way and it is Him who has called us into this ministry field.

Maybe all that I've to do was done a long time ago on that bloody cross. There was LIFE before my life, there was MINISTRY before my ministry, there was PROVISION even before I had need. For the sake of my future students, my donors, my family, and myself, I thank the LORD that the Truth is not contingent on my ability to believe it or preach it. He is El Roi- the God who sees me, and He is Jehovah Jireh- God my Provider. May I rest in that today.

Saved By Grace

There is a song I was struck by the other night as I was driving home. I've heard it before I just never fully understood the lyrics. In this song, entitled "Undo" by Rush of Fools, they sing:

"To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be"

And I was just thinking how bold it is for them to come straight out and proclaim to the world that not only are they hypocrites, but the disease of hypocrisy is ingrained in their very character. Hypocrisy is something I've tried my entire life to avoid. I've seen it enough in the Church that I never wanted it to be true of myself. But I think the truth is that anyone who tries to make a stand for anything will inevitably be a hypocrite. We can not live perfect lives but better yet, we weren't called to live perfect lives! Isn't that what Christianity is about? The fact that we cannot live a life of righteousness but that Jesus Christ lived it in our place. The theologian Charles Spurgeon once said,

"if your sin is small then your savior will be small also. But if your sin is great then your savior must be great."

As Christians we must learn to admit that our sin is great. To say we are free from hypocrisy would be hypocritical. We have got to be honest, because honesty in our sin shows a deep belief in the greatness of our God to overcome it.

I had the lyrics of this song up on my away message one night and a friend responded with this statement:

"To label you a daughter of the King would be only scratching the surface of who you've been saved by grace to be."

What encouraging truth! That as Christian men and women we are daughters and sons of the Most High God and as such, we are free to admit who we really are because He has saved us by His grace for His glory and our benefit.