God is good

I searched the Fund Development Manual up and down. There is no section called “what to say when someone receives your letter on the day their spouse dies but they still want to talk to you and support you.” I was literally headed out the door to meet my friend Evan at Panera and then go to Busch Gardens for a mindless day of screaming on roller coasters (they actually make me laugh more than they make me scream, but that's another story). I checked the weather one last time, grabbed my wallet, and started to reach for the door when my cell phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize so I let it go. And then I kicked myself, realizing that of course I'd be getting calls from numbers I don't recognize because I put my number on my staff letter. With a silent vow to be more professional and pick up all calls from now on, I punched in the password for my voicemail. It was a message that shook me to the core and something I will always remember as proof of God's sweet Sovereignty and intimate Grace. It was a message from an old friend of the family saying that she received my letter on the day her husband had passed away but she was so touched to receive my letter and be reminded that the work of the Lord was continuing in other aspects and different areas. She wanted to support me. My first thought was, who reads their mail on the day the their spouse dies? And secondly, who but someone filled with the Holy Spirit would decide to give financial support, even in the midst of facing leftover medical bills, hospital bills, funeral costs, and the distinct knowledge that at age 60 she would have to support herself for the rest of her life.

Now, I need to explain to you a little bit about her husband Bert. As a boy he grew up with a deep love for both swimming and painting. One afternoon at age 15, he dove off a dock and accidentally landed in shallow water. The result was a spinal cord injury and total paralysis from the neck down. He would spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. As time passed there was some physical improvement in the use of his arms and trunk balance, but not the use of legs or fingers. During this time Bert learned how to strap a pen or paint brush into the palm of his hand so he could write or paint, and he was able to re-discover his childhood talent. The above picture is the very first one he painted after his accident. The sad clown perfectly captures his attitude. He was so funny and full of life before the accident, and though tragic and hard, the accident only subdued his smile. He continued in his art work, met his wife, Marlene (who was working with Young Life Special Education) , and continued in deep love for the Lord despite his many hardships. Marlene and Bert were an amazing team, though Bert needed constant supervision and help with even the smallest activities. To get the phone call from Marlene that he had passed away was such a shock to me. As she said herself during the memorial, "everyone always says 'Bert and Marlene' and now it's just 'Marlene' and I feel as if a part of myself is missing." I quickly scribbled down a line from the song that was sung as the mourners walked into the memorial service... "Be at rest for the Lord has been good." God is good. That was the premise of this memorial service? Here is the death of an amazing woman's husband, the loss of a son, the loss of a friend and example to many, but wait a minute, we're supposed to say, "hallelujah, God is good"?

Lately I've been coming to terms with the fact that God's glory doesn't always look like what I think it should look like. I would think He'd want to show off His goodness in flowers and cotton candy and shiny pretty things. And He does, but for the most part He chooses what is foolish in this world. He shows His goodness through things like fires, paralysis, and broken hearts. As Robin Wells says,

"God's grace is undeserved. Whatever He calls us to, and whatever He brings into our lives, the good is more than we deserve and the hardships are less."

It just doesn't make sense sometimes. How do we grapple with a God who will take away good things so that He will get more glory? Isn't that selfish? Jonathan Edwards tells us that His own glory is not a dignity too great for Him, moreover, "it is fit that His will should take place, though contrary to the will of all other beings; that He should make Himself His own end; and order all things for Himself." As I think about it more and more, any being that didn't demand His own glory as a natural outflow of His character would not be worthy of my worship. And through Bert's life and even through His death, the glory of the Lord was revealed as he learned to live through his handicap and as he continually shared joy with others. I love that his wife wants to support me because I am thoroughly looking forward to building a deeper relationship with her and learning more from her about the sacrifices she made and the life that she and her husband lived for the glory of the Lord. The night Bert passed away one of his friends wrote this song:

"A man once wheeled himself along these sanctuary aisles
And sang in richest tones of our God's grace
Though his limbs had long since turned from tool to trials
He fixed His eyes and ran the race

And now somewhere beyond this Earth he stands before a throne
And sings a song of never-ending praise
With arms raised to the God who carried him when strength was gone
Bert runs in Heaven, home at last, today."

After knowing his life, after knowing his struggles, after knowing his death, I really can say, "God is good." His goodness doesn't always look exactly the way I think it should, but it is there all the same. As I continue towards this dream of going on staff, I am thankful for the provision of supporters whose lives are so deeply wounded by the hand of the Lord that they have been privileged to see and to know that His mercies are new every single morning. They know what it is to hurt and they know what it is to rely completely on the compassion of the Lord. I want to understand with them that, "though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love" (Lamentations 3:32).

This last quote is from a book called, "A Severe Mercy", that describes the beauty and difficulty of God Sovereignty. This specific poem from the book is a reminder that God is great, His faithfulness is great, and that He is everything we need in this world.

"If everything is lost, thanks be to God
If I must see it go, watch it go,
watch it fade away, die
Thanks be to God that He is all I have
And if I have Him not, I have nothing at all
If all is lost, thanks be to God
For He is He, and I, I am only I."