Radiantly Dependent

I wrote this about a year ago in response to a friend's blog, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. My biggest struggles as I begin to face a summer of fund-raising are in believing that the Lord will provide for me and in depending on His timing. Going on staff with IV is like a dream come true, but my fear is that it's a dream He will take away. And really, there have been many dreams I've held onto that have been taken away and God has always proved His faithfulness in those areas, but still I profess with my mouth that He is good and struggle to actively rest in that truth. Just reading through my own response to Jordan's post has challenged me these past few days to stop entering this summer with cautious, anxious filled steps, but to embrace this desire to go on staff and the desperate neediness it produces in my own heart for the Lord. He is worth the risk of being disappointed yet again by a shattered dream, because regardless of what my heart fears, He is greater.



"It is true, we as Christians are hypocrites because we don't understand grace, we don't accept grace, and we don't believe in God's power to transform us for our good and His glory. Instead we want control. We push away our desires from life thinking that the absence of desire brings about righteousness. Craig Barnes sums it up when he says, "Jesus, the coming Judge, chose to descend into the ambiguities of compromised, complicated, and conflicted lives. Jesus called people to be righteous, but He despised those who had become professionals at it." Isn't that what we as Christians have done? We've become professionals at worshipping the "god of being important", the "god of efficiency", even the "god of being a good Christian."
Jesus likened this state of mind to whitewashed tombs. It is often the hardest place to break out of because we look so good and moral. Thomas Kelly says,

I am persuaded that religious people do not with sufficient seriousness count on God as an active factor in the affairs of the world. "Behold, I stand at the door and knock", but too many well-intentioned people are so preoccupied with the clatter of efforts to do something for God that they do not hear Him asking that He might do something through them.

When did we make the choice to bury our hearts for the sake of control and appearances? We would rather be well thought of and consumed with morals, posture, and pretending then to be free in the vulnerability that Jesus surfaces in us in order to show us our need for Him. There is such false security in that! We have fallen for the lie that if we stay hidden we will not be hurt and that if we are vulnerable we will not be loved. We were designed to desire care, reassurance, companionship, and love, yet our hearts do not believe that there is beauty and freedom in our pursuit of those needs in Christ. So we pretend. We try to have it all together. We robotically spout off theological mantras, fill our lives with endless church activities, and we tell everyone we're "doing well". But isn't this exhausting? It takes energy to shut out the pain and push past the blur yet we would rather spend our energy on that than admitting we are vulnerable. Yet in Christ we have been raised WITH HIM from the grave and are free unto the fullness of life and power of God. We ARE alive in Christ, but we don't act like it, because in our attempts to gain control we've deadened our hearts, leaving us hardened, bitter, and plastic.

Somewhere along the line of hardships I dealt with as a child I learned to hide. Even without knowing I was doing it, I resolved to protect myself by never causing pain or requiring attention. I learned that to hide my needs and desires made me appear strong and never caused others to worry on my behalf. I didn't realize that in doing this I was hiding my true self, along with my need for Christ and His abundant grace. Even today this lie that grips my heart plays iteself out in the way I try to take care of people. As long as I am being "helpful" I can be secure and worth something. I think many of us fall for this method of control. It is easy to keep up an appearance even with the knowledge of the emptiness it brings. It is easier to answer "fine" than the the truth of "I don't know", when asked how we're doing. And if you're like me, my immediate response to this realization is to chide myself, to be frustrated that I can't get it right, earn my way, or become a better Christian. But that response in my heart only joins with the noise of the devil that condemns, accuses, and seeks to keep me from God's love. It reveals such a lack of belief in the Spirit's ability to produce in me the change I cannot produce for myself.

Like Adam hiding in the garden (Genesis 3:10), we are often so determined to get it right or at least not be seen while we are failing. THIS is what breaks God's heart. We try to get our act together, to make Him smile, but why would he be impressed by our ability when the only thing that draws Him to us is our need? The Spirit of Christ is best seen in us when rather than scrambling and being shamed by our sin we come to Him, knowing His goodness and trusting in His power to set us free from the bondage we create for ourselves. Ephesians 4:22 calls us to "throw off" our old nature; our tendency for control, appearances, and self-righteousness. Still we often interpret "throw off your old nature" to mean "overcome your old nature". But trying to overcome what we simply cannot only hardens our hearts and keeps us from discovering our true hunger for the righteousness of God.

Jan Meyers writes, "what Jesus says about us through the whole story line of Scripture is that we are completely dependent upon His care, provision, forgiveness, protection, and guidance." It is when we begin to believe this that we can take the risk of laying aside our structure, of peeling off our masks, and slowly allowing the tender desire of our hearts to lead us to our need for God. We learn that we cannot be justified by our theology, we cannot be sanctified through the burying of our desires, and we can not be purified with locking away memories of the past. We are no longer slaves but we are freed by the power of the Cross and a God that asks for our radiant dependence."