Mountain

So today I realized that in order to be on campus when I want to, I will need to have raised $35,000 by August 15th. That's a month and a half. Talk about a mountain. My Pop-Pop used to say "trust God to move your mountain but keep on digging." Boy is that true here. He has to move in order for this mountain to even budge, but you bet your britches I gotta keep on digging. Two days ago I finally sent out my first letter. It was edited, revised, perfected, then printed. I had to spring for the color copies... it just looks so much nicer. When the letter was finally sitting in my hands, I had to actually find addresses for people I wanted the letter to go to, type them into my computer, figure out the address label system, print the labels, then handwrite each name on each letter to correspond with the address label put on the envelope. And that was only half the job. Next I had to sign each letter, stamp my name into both the business reply envelope (BRE if you're a cool talk IV person), and the intent card, make sure the intent card and the general envelope was stamped with the proper postage amount (thank you U.S. postal services for raising postage during MY fundraising) and make sure each envelope had the proper return address label. This was quite an undertaking. Nevertheless, at 10:37 a.m on May 22, 2007, I prayed over 100 envelopes and dropped them into the mailbox to go their seperate ways. Maybe no one will support me. Maybe lots of people will. I figured out that if every person I send a letter to this summer sends me a one time gift of $40, I will have raised almost half of what I need to raise. Scary? Heck yes! But I believe in a God who has made foolish the wisdom of the world. The wisdom of the world, and at times my own heart, says there is no stinking way this money will ever come through. But, "the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men" (1 Corinthians 1:25) and there has never been a greater truth for me to cling to. What seems absolutely ridiculously impossible can be made possible by the power of the God who has called me into it. And I can rest in the knowledge that my God is able, even if He chooses not to provide the money.

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

Isaiah 55:8-11

The ways of the Lord are beyond me, and I love that. I love to know with absolute certainty that there is something bigger than me. Donald Miller sums it up so perfectly when he says,

"There is a lie floating around that says I am supposed to be able to do life alone, without any help, without stopping to worship something bigger than myself. But I actually believe there is something bigger than me, and I need for there to be something bigger than me. I need someone to put awe inside me; I need to come second to someone who has everything figured out."

I've always loved this thought. I look for it in the books I read and the pastors I respect. I look for it even in dating relationships. Part of the greatness of joining a sorority for me was that I would have a "big sister", someone who would understand things and take care of me as the little one. I love to lead, but even more than that, I love to be second to someone who's got it all under control. And that's what I get this summer. I get to come second to the Lord who has it all figured out, down to the very last penny. I get to trust Him, admire His work, and adore Him for His provisions. Even as the rain and snow fall from heaven to water the daffodils I love so much, so will His promise to provide for me fall on me this summer and not return to Him without accomplishing its purpose. Whether that purpose is to show me an abundance of financial provision, or to show me that His goodness is worth trusting even if the dream falls apart. Either way, His promise is true, and either way, it is Him doing the work. I get to be second, and I get to stand in awe of this mountain as I continue to dig, believing that no matter what, this next month and a half holds great things.

Sabbath

Sometimes with fundraising you just need a break from thinking all the time. So I came home this weekend to enlist some help with all the stamping of envelopes, address labels, etc., but also to spend some quality time relaxing. No one knows how to relax quite like my sister. Her room might have had a carpet a few years ago, but I think that was before the entire Chinese army moved in underneath her bed. I really don't know how she does it. When my room is messy it goes on my to-do list and I take care of it as soon as I have some time. Not Barbara. I think she told me a total of four times today that she was bored. Yes bored. I don't remember the last time I was actually bored... oh wait, classes, okay so about a month ago. The point of the story is that as I was heading out to run some errands on my "relaxing weekend" I popped my head into her room to find her laying on her bed, still in pjs, watching a movie on her laptop. Shower? No way, those are for the weak and unrested. Clothes? That requires finding something clean and wearable amidst the Kung Pao Dynasty. Why bother with things that "could" get done, when they don't have to get done this minute and I could be sitting here doing nothing instead? Don't get me wrong, she works very very hard and has a beautiful spirit of generousity about her. But her ability to literally only focus on the task at hand, in this case, relaxing, is fascinating to me. It's a mentality that I'm not sure I'll ever understand, but I would love to try and learn some of it. My mind goes a bazillion miles an hour. Even when I'm watching a movie I have to bring along the toenail polish or the notes I want to write to people or the stack of old magazines I've been collecting to collage with. I never just sit still and do nothing. I never leave work un-attended, even if it means I just worry about it in my head. As a result I am often rushing and frazzled. But there are times in Scripture where we are commanded to "be still".

I've been reading about sabbath lately, and I am very excited to have built it into my plans for this summer. I figure, there was a reason God created Sabbath right? And it doesn't just mean "today's the day to go to church", and it certainly does not still come with all the implications of the old Jewish law. However, God says,

"Remember the sabbath day and keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work. But the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work."
Exodus 20:8

"You shall not do any work!" It seems like that should be all the commanding I need to just drop everything and crawl into bed with a good book (or movie, in my sister's case). And it is all the commanding I need... when I remember to read it and to carve out that time for rest. I forget sometimes that rest is exactly what I need to make me MORE productive later. Not that productivity should be the goal, but it helps to remember that actually taking the time to truly rest will restore my energy both physically and emotionally. Since I am ridiculously "Type-A" I had to write the word "sabbath" in my planner to remind myself that Sunday is the day each week I'm going to rest. The type-a-ness goes one step further because I actually wrote a list of things to-do during the sabbath day. Not things that need to be done, but just a few specific things that will help me relax. For example, tomorrow I am planning on taking my dog for a walk, taking some pictures outside, and sitting in a big comfy chair and drinking hot tea from my favorite mug. I love those things, and I love that tomorrow I get to do them. The verse says that the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. Why does it say "to" and not "for" or "mandated by"? I think it's because He wants us to know that the point of sabbath is freedom. Freedom from the daily grind, freedom from structure, and freedom unto the Lord. When we are free unto the Lord we are free to be ourselves to the glory of His name. I'm allowed to put work aside? I'm allowed to just be me, wanting to sleep and bake cookies and knit all day long? Okay, I can do that! Even just that thought of freedom creates praise in my heart for the Lord and His ultimate goodness. I'm starting to think maybe God and my sister are on to something with this whole resting business.

Fundraising thoughts

I am excited about fundraising because it is not a salespitch. It is not me trying to convince people to fork over their money. Instead it is a ministry in and of itself where I get to follow the Holy Spirit's leading in discovering who He has already called to support me. All that He asks He provides, so if He really is asking me to go to JMU next year then He will provide the financial means necessary. And through the search for financial support He will also provide the relationships I will need as I enter the mission field. I love that He has called me to people. My heart beats for true and right relationships, and I get to build those through this process of fundraising AS WELL AS the process next year of learning to be a campus staff minister. During our weekend of training Joe Moore challenged us with these two questions:
1. What is it that is making me anxious?
2. What power have I misplaced here?
As I start to actually talk to people and raise the money I will need this fall, I am continually asking myself those questions and reminding myself that all power is in His hands, for "the earth is the Lord's and all therein" (Psalm 24:1).

"We Are Not Professionals"

There is a John Piper book out called "Brothers, We Are Not Professionals". Not having read it, I know only what I've been told- that is a book written for pastors urging them out of the efficient, professional lifestyle that the church today often reveres in it's pastors. The back of his book says this,

"The mentality of the professional is not the mentality of the prophet. It is not the mentality of the slave of Christ. Professionalism has nothing to do with the essence and heart of the Christian ministry. The more professional we long to be [as pastors] the more spiritual death we leave in our wake. For there is no professional childlikeness, there is no professional tenderheartedness, there is no professional panting after God."

I would like to read this book someday. Simply because I am going into ministry where my human nature is going to want to be the best at what I do. I'm going to want to turn ministry into efficiency, appear to have all the answers, and especially turn my prayers into "highfaluting mumbo jumbo" (Anne of Green Gables, anyone?). Scripture tells us to do everything as unto the Lord (Ephesians 6:7) which includes good ministry. I think the problem comes when we rely too heavily on our own talents and abilities outside of the work of the Holy Spirit. We forget that we are aliens in this world; in ministry to proclaim the love of Christ and wait in eager expectation for His return. 1 Corinthians 1:27 tells us that God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong... so that NO human being might boast in the presence of God.

I felt the depth of my own un-professionalism at Rockbridge the other week. I was asked to sit in for awhile at JMU's chapter time, and though I had met some of the students previously, I literally sat in that circle with my heart racing and hands shaking. And let's be honest, I'm a people person and a Communications major, there is no reason I should have been nervous about being with that group of people. A professional would have waltzed in and "wowed" them with her charm. Yet I believe the Lord used that nervousness to remind me that this is His deal, not mine, and that He is the one receiving the glory.

I read this Scripture in my quiet time this morning:

"And I, when I came to you brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God."
1 Corinthians 2:1-5

Amen.

Radiantly Dependent

I wrote this about a year ago in response to a friend's blog, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. My biggest struggles as I begin to face a summer of fund-raising are in believing that the Lord will provide for me and in depending on His timing. Going on staff with IV is like a dream come true, but my fear is that it's a dream He will take away. And really, there have been many dreams I've held onto that have been taken away and God has always proved His faithfulness in those areas, but still I profess with my mouth that He is good and struggle to actively rest in that truth. Just reading through my own response to Jordan's post has challenged me these past few days to stop entering this summer with cautious, anxious filled steps, but to embrace this desire to go on staff and the desperate neediness it produces in my own heart for the Lord. He is worth the risk of being disappointed yet again by a shattered dream, because regardless of what my heart fears, He is greater.



"It is true, we as Christians are hypocrites because we don't understand grace, we don't accept grace, and we don't believe in God's power to transform us for our good and His glory. Instead we want control. We push away our desires from life thinking that the absence of desire brings about righteousness. Craig Barnes sums it up when he says, "Jesus, the coming Judge, chose to descend into the ambiguities of compromised, complicated, and conflicted lives. Jesus called people to be righteous, but He despised those who had become professionals at it." Isn't that what we as Christians have done? We've become professionals at worshipping the "god of being important", the "god of efficiency", even the "god of being a good Christian."
Jesus likened this state of mind to whitewashed tombs. It is often the hardest place to break out of because we look so good and moral. Thomas Kelly says,

I am persuaded that religious people do not with sufficient seriousness count on God as an active factor in the affairs of the world. "Behold, I stand at the door and knock", but too many well-intentioned people are so preoccupied with the clatter of efforts to do something for God that they do not hear Him asking that He might do something through them.

When did we make the choice to bury our hearts for the sake of control and appearances? We would rather be well thought of and consumed with morals, posture, and pretending then to be free in the vulnerability that Jesus surfaces in us in order to show us our need for Him. There is such false security in that! We have fallen for the lie that if we stay hidden we will not be hurt and that if we are vulnerable we will not be loved. We were designed to desire care, reassurance, companionship, and love, yet our hearts do not believe that there is beauty and freedom in our pursuit of those needs in Christ. So we pretend. We try to have it all together. We robotically spout off theological mantras, fill our lives with endless church activities, and we tell everyone we're "doing well". But isn't this exhausting? It takes energy to shut out the pain and push past the blur yet we would rather spend our energy on that than admitting we are vulnerable. Yet in Christ we have been raised WITH HIM from the grave and are free unto the fullness of life and power of God. We ARE alive in Christ, but we don't act like it, because in our attempts to gain control we've deadened our hearts, leaving us hardened, bitter, and plastic.

Somewhere along the line of hardships I dealt with as a child I learned to hide. Even without knowing I was doing it, I resolved to protect myself by never causing pain or requiring attention. I learned that to hide my needs and desires made me appear strong and never caused others to worry on my behalf. I didn't realize that in doing this I was hiding my true self, along with my need for Christ and His abundant grace. Even today this lie that grips my heart plays iteself out in the way I try to take care of people. As long as I am being "helpful" I can be secure and worth something. I think many of us fall for this method of control. It is easy to keep up an appearance even with the knowledge of the emptiness it brings. It is easier to answer "fine" than the the truth of "I don't know", when asked how we're doing. And if you're like me, my immediate response to this realization is to chide myself, to be frustrated that I can't get it right, earn my way, or become a better Christian. But that response in my heart only joins with the noise of the devil that condemns, accuses, and seeks to keep me from God's love. It reveals such a lack of belief in the Spirit's ability to produce in me the change I cannot produce for myself.

Like Adam hiding in the garden (Genesis 3:10), we are often so determined to get it right or at least not be seen while we are failing. THIS is what breaks God's heart. We try to get our act together, to make Him smile, but why would he be impressed by our ability when the only thing that draws Him to us is our need? The Spirit of Christ is best seen in us when rather than scrambling and being shamed by our sin we come to Him, knowing His goodness and trusting in His power to set us free from the bondage we create for ourselves. Ephesians 4:22 calls us to "throw off" our old nature; our tendency for control, appearances, and self-righteousness. Still we often interpret "throw off your old nature" to mean "overcome your old nature". But trying to overcome what we simply cannot only hardens our hearts and keeps us from discovering our true hunger for the righteousness of God.

Jan Meyers writes, "what Jesus says about us through the whole story line of Scripture is that we are completely dependent upon His care, provision, forgiveness, protection, and guidance." It is when we begin to believe this that we can take the risk of laying aside our structure, of peeling off our masks, and slowly allowing the tender desire of our hearts to lead us to our need for God. We learn that we cannot be justified by our theology, we cannot be sanctified through the burying of our desires, and we can not be purified with locking away memories of the past. We are no longer slaves but we are freed by the power of the Cross and a God that asks for our radiant dependence."