Something Beautiful- New Recipes!

I don't have much to do at work these days. And in this case "much" is quantified as "nothing at all." So I read the entire Twilight series, I am currently reading Harry Potter 2, and my new obsession has been food blogs. They inspire me to cook healthy and delicious foods. They teach me to be adventurous and try new foods because each step in the cooking process is outlined. Well friends, here is my very own attempt at a food blog post!

My new favorite thing to make is an Italian Quesadilla known as a "Mezza Luna" which means "Half Moon." It is basically a Caprese Salad inside a tortilla! Healthy, delicious, and takes about 7 minutes on a slow day.

Ingredients:
Olive Oil
Salt
Pepper
Tomato
Fresh Mozzerella
Fresh Basil
One Tortilla (you can use plain flour tortilla's, or whole wheat, or sundried tomato).


1. In a large skillet, pour about 1/2 Tablespoon Olive Oil and set to medium heat.

(Optional- throw in a few garlic cloves and let them simmer for a few minutes, then discard garlic before proceeding).

2. While olive oil is heating up, slice tomato. You will need 2-4 slices depending on the size of your tortilla. Cut enough to spread across half of the tortilla. Next slice Mozzarella. Again, the amount you use will vary according to your tastes and the size of the tortilla. I use about 3 medium size slices. Wash a few Basil leaves (I use about 5-6).

3. After a few minutes, lay tortilla in the skillet and allow it to "blister" about 45 seconds before flipping to do the same to the other side. When both sides have blistered, salt and pepper the side facing up. Then lay tomato, mozzarella, and basil on one side and fold the tortilla over to make the "half moon." At this point I turn the heat down a little bit so the cheese inside can get all melty but the outside of the tortilla doesn't burn.


Once it's all melted to perfection, cut into four pieces and enjoy!! Sometimes if the tomato is extra juicy I bust out a fork and knife so I don't make a mess. Just something to think about.

Something Beautiful- It Stopped Raining!!

It's been raining non-stop for six days now. So much rain that my heart decided it needed to cry too. I've been weepy and tired and have come to the general conclusion that I must be solar powered.

Yesterday was day five of the dark, gloomy rain and I was reaching the end of my tolerance rope. So when the "feel-good-cuddle-movie" planned for the evening turned out to be horribly depressing AND it kept me up past my bed time, I was a mess. The thought of having to go to work in the morning with nothing to do and only rain to look at through the windows made me want to throw up. So I cried. a lot. and fell asleep praying for SOMETHING good to happen the next day.

This morning I woke up tired, again, and to a dark room and the sounds of rain, again. So as I pulled myself out from the warm covers and turned the lights on, I decided to take a risky move- I was going to have hope for the day. I got into the shower trying to think of how I could be thankful for the rain. But how could I possibly be thankful for something that tried to swallow me whole? And then I remembered this song I used to sing to myself in high school. Ironically, it's called "Blue Skies". It says,

"on days of grey, when doubt clouds my view,
it's so hard to see past my fears.
My strength seems to fade and it's all I can do,
to hold on til the light reappears.
Still I believe, though some rain's bound to fall,
that You're here next to me, and You're over it all."

What a good song to fill up my heart on a rainy day that I was trying so desperately to overcome. It comforted me to know and trust that the Lord is even bigger than rainy days and senseless tears. The next part of the song goes like this,

"Lord the sky's still blue,
cuz my hope is in You,
You're my joy,
You're the dream that's still alive."

And so as I got ready for the day I had to constantly remind myself that my hope can't lie in sunny days and lots of sleep. Those things will always fade. But the Lord is true always. Even when I get distracted and gloomy by the incessant rain, I can rejoice knowing that one day there will be endless blue skies in the presence of His glory. That dream can't die no matter how dark it gets outside.

So today has been better as I have been setting my hope and finding my joy in the LORD and not in the state of the weather. And guess what? This afternoon the rain FINALLY stopped! There isn't a trace of blue in the sky but at least we are in the beginning stages of some sunshine! I still reserve the right to struggle with rainy days and claim to be solar powered, but this post is a reminder even for myself that there is a greater reason to smile.

when it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile...

Something Beautiful- being girlie

I am so thankful for good girlfriends! Last night I got some time with my good friend Kristen and her baby. There's not much in the world better than just laughing with a favorite girl.

Something Beautiful

Hi Friends! It's been a LONG time! I have found myself lately in this season of thoughts that are either too intimate to share on the internet or too incomplete to share effectively. But, I do want to work on being more in love with my every day life. So, come with me on this journey to find joy in the little things! I'm going to be posting just little short thoughts and things about my day that are beautiful. Hopefully this will also reorient myself to the great blogosphere and soon I will be back to my long winded posts! But for now, welcome to the era of the mini blog!

Today's something beautiful is my garden of daffodils. Daffodils are my favorite flowers IN THE WORLD. Like Meg Ryan says of daisies in You've Got Mail, "They're so friendly. Don't you think [they] are the friendliest flower?" Daffodils just smile up at you with their cheerful yellow color and delicate demeanor. And they smell incredible! Just a couple in a room can make the entire room smell beautiful. Also I think I like them because they are the first sign of spring. The first sign that beauty and sunshine are coming! What a cool thing for God to do, to bring hope through the last days of Winter that the sun will soon be out!


sidenote: check out the leaves! we aren't very good landscapers!!

Healing

"Are you mourning over your own weakness? Take courage,
for there must be a consciousness of weakness before the Lord will give
thee victory. Your emptiness is but the preparation for your being
filled, and your casting down is but the making ready for your lifting
up."
-Charles H. Spurgeon

I am empty. I am weak. I am hoping in the promise of healing.

Morning

Morning is my favorite time of day. I love everything about it. I love that it's the time that you get to sleep in, snuggled under warm covers, the tip of your nose cold from the autumn air. It's a time to be thankful for a night of rest, and eager for a day of God's glory. I love that it's the time to get up early, to see sunrises, and drink coffee; to sit quietly with the Lord as the day awakens. I even love the food that comes with morning time. Bagels, yogurt, fruit, cereal, eggs, bacon, pancakes, mmmm. I espeically love the phrase "Good Morning." I think it is one of the happiest, friendliest greetings and I wish it could be used all day long.

Lately, however, my mornings have been rushed and that makes me cranky. I wake up before my alarm and almost pray that it's 2 a.m. and not 6:39. I day dream of calling in sick. I wake up tired, my tummy doesn't want the coffee that my brain needs, and I'm bitter at my roommate for getting to sleep in. The shower is warm and soothing and begs me to just stay there all day. I literally console myself in the mornings with a promise of an early bedtime when the day is over. Where is the joy in a fresh day? Why can't I let go of my selfish desire for sleep and rest in the promise that the day has already been ordained. There is joy in the presence of the Lord... why do I focus instead on the busy tasks that lie before me?

"Satisfy [me] in the morning with Your unfailing love, that [I] may sing for joy and be glad all [my] days."
Psalm 90:14

One of the sweetest memories I have of living in Newark this summer is of rooming with the radiantly beautiful Martha Iverson. Every single morning, no matter how late she had stayed up, or how much she had on her to-do list, she woke up with a smile. That is loving life in the truest sense- even when it's difficult to wake up, and even if the morning is rushed. She smiled because her hope was not in her feelings about the day, but in the unfailing love of her Lord.

What would it look like for me to be SATISFIED with the love that the Lord has for me. So much so that I wake up tired and just smile, because I know that the day is spoken for by the beauty of the Cross. Nothing about my frail human condition, even my sin, can get in the way of the purposes of the Lord for the day He has set before me.

"I know that you can do all things; no plan of Yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2

May my spirit rest in Truth, and may it ever yield to Thee...

Dreamin'

Today I wish I already owned my coffee shop. I also wish that it was Christmastime so my coffee shop would smell like dark sumatra, apple spice candles, wood fire, and freshly baked pumpkin pie.

Lindsay's Latest Loves

Friends, it's time for another list. I have these fun new things that make my life slightly more enjoyable and I want to share!

1. Vanilla Mint Chapstick. Enough said.

2. Greenberry's Dark Sumatra Coffee. Once you've had the best you can never go back to regular.

3. John Frieda's Creme Serum Overnight Repair Formula. Yes I know, a lot of words, but basically it's a conditioner that you put in your hair before you go to sleep. It is light and not greasy and makes your hair feel like satin in the morning!

4. Vaseline Healthy Hand and Nail Condition lotion. No more hangnails!

5. Driving Stick Shift! (Thank you Martha Iverson and Zach Fauver).

6. Pandora Radio. It's a website (www.pandora.com) where you type in your favorite artist and the site creates an online radio station for you to hear only that artist and similar artists. Perfect when you're sick of your itunes and want to hear some sweet jams.

7. "Telling Yourself the Truth" by William Backus and Marie Chapman.

8. Having a tailor. She's wonderful. I buy a $5 skirt from the thrift store that is beautiful but doesn't quite fit right and for five more dollars she fixes it for me and voila! I have a perfect beautiful skirt that only cost $10!!

9. Walmart.com Free Samples. No joke- this is where I get all of my laundry detergent.

10. Having salary, benefits, and "must-use-before-January-annual-vacation-leave!"

What can I say? It's a good life these days :)

Unbelief

This morning's snippet from Charles Spurgeon is too precious not to share. His words are just beautiful.

"Strive with all diligence to keep out that monster unbelief. It so dishonors Christ, that he will withdraw Hi visible presence if we insult him by indulging it. It is true it is a weed, the seeds of which we can never entirely extract from the soil, but we MUST aim at its root with zeal and perseverance. Among hateful things it is the most to be abhorred. Its injurious nature is so venomous that he that exerciseth it and he upon whom it is exercised are both hurt thereby. In thy case, O believer! it is most wicked, for the mercies of thy Lord in the past, increase thy guilt in doubting him now. When thou dost distrust the Lord Jesus, he may well cry out, "Behold, I am pressed under you, as a cart is pressed that is full of sheaves." This is crowning his head with thorns of the sharpest kind. It is very cruel for a well-beloved wife to mistrust a kind and faithful husband. The sin is needless, foolish, and unwarranted. Jesus has never given the slightest ground for suspicion, and it is hard to be doubted by those to whom our conduct is uniformly affectionate and true. Jesus is the Son of the Highest, and has unbounded wealth; it is shameful to doubt Omnipotence and distrust all-sufficiency. The cattle on a thousand hills will suffice for our most hungry feeding, and the granaries of heaven are not likely to be emptied by our eating. If Christ were only a cistern, we might soon exhaust his fullness, but who can drain a fountain? Myriads of spirits have drawn their supplies from him, and not one of them has murmured at the scantiness of His resources. Away, then, with this lying traitor unbelief, for his only errand is to cut the bonds of communion and make us mourn an absent Savior. Bunyan tells us that unbelief has "as many lives as a cat:" if so, let us kill one life now, and continue the work till the whole nine are gone. Down with thee, thou traitor, my heart abhors thee."

What could I even say that would add to that? My heart is so easily prone to unbelief and every imaginable sin follows out of it- worry, fear, and manipulation just to name a few. What wife with an unbelievably amazing husband fails to trust him with all that she is? And yet I withhold my trust from the Lord even knowing it is detrimental to my own rest and peace. How do I possibly think I could do a better job handling my life than the One who created my life and ordained it? "Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you." Psalm 116:7

Half Full

I complain a lot. I’m pretty sure I’m not considered a “Debbie Downer” since I also smile a lot. But the thing is I’m always talking about something that could be different. A lot of times I call it being “critical” or “discerning” but it’s time to face the facts kids- I’m a complainer. In a twisted psychological way I think it relates very strongly to the people pleaser in me. I want justification. If the situation I find myself in seems unjust then I complain about it to someone else in hopes that they will either complain with me (misery loves company) or tell me that I am in fact not “complaining” just venting feelings that are completely warranted. In either situation I am clearly seeking approval and either way I find the matter utterly unattractive. In Luke 16:15 Jesus says to the Pharisees, “You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God.” Ouch. An abomination? Geez. Why would I seek to justify myself before people when I have already been justified through Jesus Christ in complete disregard to merit! Oh the depths of my unbelief… and yet over such a shallow issue.

So I have decided to put an end to this behavior. No more complaining to get attention or approval I missed out on elsewhere. I want to be rid of this complaining spirit of mine. My justification has already been secured, and thankfully it is not based on my actions but the life and death of Christ. I long for the day when my belief is strong and I don’t need to constantly remind myself of my freedom. But then again, isn’t that what this journey of joy is all about? To discover more and more of my own depravity while experiencing more and more of His sheer goodness. He has set me free that my complaints may be silenced, that my need for approval may sit at rest, and that my joy may be made full. How could I not rejoice in that?!

And if I rejoice, I must be changed. So here begins the process of seeing the glass of half full… after all, wasn’t it Charles Spurgeon who said “he who deserves nothing should be content with anything.”

Back to Suits and Pantyhose

Oh wait... I have never actually worn a suit in my life. My Phi Mu girls can tell you all about our panty-hose days. Didn't we have a bon-fire to burn them all after our last Formal Business? Nevertheless I have gone from barely showering and sweating all day in Newark New Jersey, to primping each morning for an hour before sitting in an air conditioned office putting clear nailpolish over the runs in my pantyhose. Did I mention I have to wear suits?! Even on my classiest days a suit never crossed my mind. It's so constraining, so professional, so... not me. Evan Thomas Moore will tell you- I was not made for a career. So it follows that I was not made to feel like myself in a suit.

Regardless of the fancy attire however, I do love my job. Scratch that. I absolutely LOVE my job! What do I do that is so wonderful, you might ask. Answer: a whole lot of nothing. I pick-up phone calls, I open mail, I even get the coffee and make copies. And each day I continue to be surprised at the joy I find in this job! See, doing nothing also leaves plenty of time for me to process the extreme busy-ness of the past year and summer. Here I have nothing to stress about except learning how to drive stick shift and becoming un-homeless. There is no morning preparation before arriving at work besides my own beautification and a good cup of coffee. When 5:30 hits, I walk out the door and don't have to think twice about any of the days events. Selfish, you say? Perhaps. But when you go from working 72 plus hours a week to a max of 41, you not only take advantage of free time, you NEED it. I think the best foundation for a renewed heart is time spent in reflection and rest. In her book, "If You Want to Write", Brena Ueland uses a term I have become very fond of these past few weeks- "moodling." Ueland says "moodling denotes creative and life giving solitude. The imagination needs moodling- long, inefficient happy idling, dawdling and puttering." I like her. I like making up words. And I really like moodling. My job lets me moodle. I have only ever been in bondage to a to-do list which constantly muddles up any free time I might have attempted to enjoy. This time, free time is mine. To spend however I want and I ain’t settlin’. I might learn Italian, or photography, or guitar. I might go to the gym more than once a week. I might just read lots of books or watch lots of sunsets. Whatever I do, I want you to know:

I will take moodling over muddling any day... even if I have to wear pantyhose.

Snapshots

So can you see how limited my internet access is? I can't even find the time to post an already written blog! For now though, here are a few pictures of my favorites... these kids just tug at my heart. Their parents hardly take care of them, and basically I want to keep all of them.


This is Jocelyn and Emely. Their older brother, Ariel, is Autistic and they take care of him.

This is Brandon. Tomorrow he will turn 9 years old. He's not excited about his birthday because he never gets presents and told me he has never had a birthday party.

This is Dwanda Zakaylah. She knows how "black" her name is, so she decided to go by Zakaylah and then shorten it to just plain "Kaylah." She thinks this will bring her more respect. The sad truth is that she's probably right. The even sadder truth is that she understands and knows ethnic discrimination at 8 years old.

I love these kids. They are rude and disrespectful and they cry if you try to discipline them, but they will come back every single day because they know that here they can find love and attention. I hope that someday when they grow up and leave this place, they remember the love they found here and seek after the Lord. He is their only hope. He is our only hope. They know they can't be loved based on their "goodness"- because they are not good. What a sweet blessing. I have spent 23 years trying to learn that I am not good and that nothing I do can ever make me good. In a way it's good for them to grow up knowing their depravity, so they can immediately claim the perfection of Christ's life and death. He is the only thing good about me and I long for them to know that truth.

Newark Day Two (Inefficiency)

Today was my first full day in Newark. And today was the day I got introduced to the "office." Well I guess you can call it an office. There is a desk, and there is paper. But I have never seen anything so messy in my life! It is mostly just trash and piles of unidentifiable papers. Also I found the following: a wig, a strobe light, a microphone, playdough, and a stuffed cat. IN THE OFFICE. I guess this is where my spiritual gift of throwing things away comes in to play. Does it belong somewhere else? Does it look crappy? Does it light up? Get it out of the office!! I spent most of the morning just throwing things out.

Over lunch we had our first meeting as a staff team. Honestly, it was one of the most in-efficient meetings I had ever been to. The food however was fun; we went to lunch at a Brazillian place down the block where you pay by the weight of your plate! How fun is that? Probably the ONE time that salad is cheaper than pasta. We proceeded to sit around the table and kind of talk about what needed to be done that day. Nothing ever really got finalized, no one was assigned specific tasks, we just talked in general about what maybe could happen that day. Then we sauntered out of the restaurant and walked rather aimlessly back to the church to "get to it." This way of life is SO different than what I'm used to!

So, since nothing was really happening except for more standing around, I snuck off with two of my favorite boys to get coffee and a Portugese pastry. We got back just as the after school program was starting. "Program" here is another word for "organized chaos." The kids are rowdy and un-compliant. As soon as I walked in they wanted to know if I was the same white girl with red hair that came on a missions trip in March. Apparently we all look alike. The girls have names like "Nyeisha" and "Kyasia" and have attitudes more complicated than their names. Still, I am excited to learn how to love them and guide them well.

There is so much more that happened today but it's so very late so I'll just give a few more quick thoughts:

Kimberly is amazing. I really do want to be her. She makes this awesome healthy food for like ten people every night and it all fits within her small budget.

Betsy, Kimberly's sister is also amazing. She's going to be one of two other girls who will be here this summer, and lucky for me she's so great. We connect really well and continue to find similarities. I am thankful for her.

One day I want to read C.S.Lewis' books on Narnia. The movies are incredible and really do show me so much about the character of God. I love Lucy's simple belief and struggle with the same in Prince Caspian.

Last but not least. Tonight we met Fernando. He's from Brazil but has lived here for 25 years. We just met him out on the street as we were picking through the "yard-sale" of trash that Newarkians puts out every Tuesday night. Clean cut, and intelligent, he asked us if we wanted a free TV. He explained he was leaving the country soon and wanted to get rid of it. His house was only five minutes away and we could go get it right then. So, we hopped in his car (I wouldn't recommend trying this at home- mmm or really EVER) and drove to his apartment. Up the sketchy stairs and into his place. I guess if you're going to killed why not do it under the pretense of getting a sweet TV? But, turns out he was legit. There was the monstrous TV. As he unplugged the video games and dvd player he told us of how he lost custody of his daughter after his tragic divorce. We carried the TV back down through the apartment complex (and of course by "we" I mean I watched while they carried) and into his car where it barely fit in the trunk. When we reached my street, Fernando got out of his car and helped us carry the monster up three flights of stairs to my tiny attic apartment. I was so surprised and blessed by his kindness. No one in Northern Virginia would ever consider giving away a television, let alone to a stranger, and forget helping to carry it off! Fernando did warn us that we shouldn't just go off with anyone who says they have a free TV, and that is probably true- not all strangers with candy actually have candy. Still the concept just blows my mind. He was so willing to help with something so trivial. Did I really NEED a TV? Nope. If I wanted one that badly wouldn't I find the money to buy one? Absolutely. But none of those things mattered to Fernando. The only thing that mattered was that he was able to make my life a little easier; that he could welcome me to his city. The whole encounter reminds me of the early church- how they shared everything they had without regard to status or merit. What if we all lived like that? How much could we bless each other and encourage the body of Christ?! One last thought before I close- why was he able to drop everything for those twenty minutes to help us drag a huge TV around Newark? Maybe because he didn't have much of an itinerary. Maybe he's inefficient. What a blessing.

Newark Day One

Has it really been a month?! Wow! Newark consumes me, but not in a bad way at all. I am so engaged in the battle for these kids hearts that there is often time for little else. I am able to get on the internet in limited bursts; maybe for about seven minutes each day with screaming kids and gangster music thumping in the background. Not a very suitable environment for my blogging habits. Nevertheless, during the first entire week I blogged about each day and have been waiting for a quiet moment to be able to get online to copy them over from Microsoft Word into the blogosphere. I have hardly noticed that an entire month has escaped. But without further ado, here is week one of Newark.

Day One
I am still a little unsure, but most of me loves this place. It is crowded and hot but the community is so vibrant. The first thing I noticed about Danny Iverson is how slowly he walks. We were on an errand to get my keys from my landlord and it took us about ten minutes to walk straight down the block. My fast-paced, often high-strung personality can't handle people who take 15 minutes to finish what could be finished in 3. Yet what is it about him that is so captivating? I'm reminded of that old hymn "The Love of Christ is Rich and Free" and the line that says "before the throne my Surety stands." I think that one of Danny Iverson's names for God is "Surety." Everything for him is secured and sure, so much so that he doesn't even hurry his steps or his conversation because he knows he will ultimately get where the Lord wants him to be. It brings a whole new meaning to Larry Crabb's phrase- "the pressure's off!" Still, I am making a mental note of the slowness of things around here, because I know that at some point my fast-paced craziness is going to want to butt heads with this environment.

The second man I met in Newark today is Leo. He is wonderful. He speaks Spanish and very broken English in such an accent that I struggle to understand most of what he says. But he introduced me to my attic apartment right above where he stays with his family. The stench of cigarette smoke coupled with bleach tells me he's spent most of today trying to scrub away the remaining aroma left by the smokers who used to live there. Aside from the smell, the apartment is more than I imagined I would have. The first room leads back into another room of equal size, which then leads back into the kitchen. The kitchen has a tiny door off to the side which opens up to the smallest and most disgusting bathroom I've ever seen. It is at the slanted part of the attic so I can't even stand up straight and I will have to come up with some sort of yoga-ish maneuver in order to squeeze past the shower doors into the tiny space for the shower. Still- what an adventure! As I check out the apartment I also meet Leo's little girls. Jularis, Estephanie, and Camilla. Estephanie speaks English, but two year old Camilla speaks a two year old version of Spanglish. I am in love with these girls. They look up at me like they can't believe I am actually talking to them and my heart is rejoicing in the opportunity to hang out with fun little neighbors! They took me outside to their "backyard" which is basically 9 square feet of sodded grass. This is where they jump rope or barbeque or play with their dolls. I can't wait to play with them!

Of all the things today, one of the greatest blessings has been having a dear old friend on the trip with me. He was randomly able to take some time off to drive the four hours with me, even letting me take over passenger seat half way through. He knows the city well so it has been so incredibly comforting just kind of following him through the day as I begin to learn more and more about this place I will call home. He is also good at asking for things, so when we discovered that the attic apartment didn't have an AC unit, he negotiated with the landlord to find me one- something I wouldn't have done in a million years but I would have died without. I am adventurous and independent, but I can't deny the sweet rest in following someone who is even more adventurous and independent than I am.

Last note- Leo knew that I was new to the city and wouldn't know how to find Walmart or the grocery store. So instead of telling me directions, he went to his car, took out his GPS and handed it to me. I get to use it for the summertime. I am in awe that he would entrust me with such a valuable object, and even more, that he would give up his own rights to use HIS GPS just to make me more comfortable. When I heard Shane Claiborne speak at JMU he told us "the best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them away." Leo embodied that for me today.

Pieces

Ah friends. One thing I have learned on my blogging journey is NEVER to EVER promise that a blog will soon come. The intentions were always good but somehow life got in the way. I vaguely remember the blog about Valentine's day. It was going to talk about how cute it was to log into Google and see an old man and woman holding hands walking into the sunset. There was probably going to be a big girlie *sigh* and I would have talked about how that is my dream (not to be depicted on Google of course, but to still be holding hands and enjoying sunsets at an old age). Next I was probably going to make fun of all those who mock Valentine's day calling it an over-comercialized holiday. Let's be honest- we're Americans, what do we NOT over-comercialize? Sure, in a house of seven girls, it's a little ridiculous to get home from work and see six boxes of flowers-in-the-mail sitting on our porch. But at the same time? It's TOTALLY FUN to have flowers all over the house! And shoot straight with me, since when do you need to have a significant other in order to devote a day to the celebration of love? Some of my favorite Valentine's days have been spent cooking dinner for my guys or watching chic-flicks with the girls. Probably my most favorite thing about Valentine's day is the chance you have to unexpectedly make someone else enjoy THEIR Valentine's day. I always send my Grandmas packages of heart shaped cookies and love letters. Nothing big, I'm not a romantic suitor that's going to sweep them off their feet, but I still love them and make their day every year. That is why I will never be sad about Valentine's day or selfish enough to turn the day into a day of wishing for romance. It is quite simply a celebration of love, and any celebration of love is a celebration of life itself.

There, now you have the outline of the blog I promised back in February. The second one I promised was going to be about an author I was reading at the time- Charles Spurgeon. I find his life and struggles fascinating. The man had such a complete trust in the Sovereign Lord. If one day my trust in the Lord compares to his in even the smallest way I will have grown tremendously. His work will surely be incorporated into many of my posts from here on out, so I will spare you the long post I would have originally written about him and his faithfulness.

My temptation is to hide when things get hard, hence the lack of blog posts. It wasn't just that life was hard, it was that it was hard in a way I had never experienced before. And so instead of learning much immediately and sharing, I had to take the longer route of rediscovering the Lord's goodness. And I am very much still in that process, I am just beginning to function better as I learn! I think my supervisor said it most accurately when he looked at me and said, "Lindsay, this year has broken you in so many ways, do you believe that God wants to restore you?" And I, the planned-out-answers, quick-on-my-feet, always-have-an-opinion-or-a-way-to-quickly-BS-the-right-response QUEEN, sat there dumbfounded. I felt like I wasn't even myself for a minute because I didn't have an answer and beyond that I wasn't even sure that the correct answer was yes.

So here I am, broken, as usual, and this time trying to truly believe in God's goodness. He is faithful my friends, and I know that He will show me. In fact, He already has in countless ways. It's just that my bruised and selfish heart is taking the slow route in understanding it all. My stubborn self doesn't want to firmly commit to anything that I haven't already fully investigated and comprehended. And so I say, I'm growing. There is hope. Always. Even when I'm not entirely sure what it looks like. But as I continue to put together the pieces of what exactly it all looks like, I will be posting to share with y'all. My heart delights in sharing Truth, and I can't hide away from that forever. :)

Lindsay's Latest Loves

I promise I will be blogging for real soon. It's all been brewing in my head. But for now there are a few fantastic new things in my life that I would like you all to know about. Thus, my list of "Lindsay's Latest Loves":

1. Burt's Bees replenishing lip balm. It has pomegranate oil in it! Mmmm :)
2. All things Charlie Hall. The beard, the earrings, and the following songs: "Walk the World", "Christ the solid rock", "Nothing but the blood".
3. Racial Reconciliation.
4. Bedtime tea consisting of just boiled water, a peppermint teabag, a chamomile teabag, a splash of milk, and a spoonful of sugar. Delish!
5. Gmail. Reply All.
6. Curves Gym for Women. Especially station number 9. It has pom-poms!
7. The book "From Fear to Freedom" by Rose Marie Miller. It's legit.
8. Packages in the mail. Getting them and sending them.
9. These five words: Hope, Believe, Trust, Rest, Delight.
10. Facebook Bumper Stickers.

Just the little things that get me through the day! Real blog to come...

Salute to Panera

Observation of the Day:

Panera offers just the right amount of cream cheese with their bagels

...and you can sit on a couch by the fireplace, access free internet, and get work done for hours on end. Who wouldn't love this place?

Thoughts on Valentine's Day to come soon.

The Valley

Today I discovered what is wrong with my life. For 17 of my 22 years I have operated on a school schedule. This presents a problem to my graduated self. Exactly how does one function without a Christmas break that lasts six weeks? I am used to skipping classes and getting work done the hour before the deadline. Not so in "the real world". I am 22 years old and I am $19,926 in debt. My "real world" contains flat tires, phone bills, monthly rent, computers that crash, and an average of 71.25 work hours per week. This work thing also presents a problem. I rather enjoy such things as friends, sleep, and laughter, but I find they have taken a significant blow in light of my crazy work schedule.

So how does one cope? With many secret tears. But the truth I have been bumping into consistently is that my God is faithful to renew His glorious mercies each morning. One of my favorite names of God is the Hebrew name El Roi, meaning the God who sees. What a comfort that is to me! He sees my struggle and understands my pain. He knows how my heart longs for freedom. He created me to be this way. To rejoice in the things I rejoice in and to hurt over the things I hurt for.

He is teaching me more and more about myself these days. And really what I'm discovering most is that I am a bundle of inconsistencies:
I don't like nuts in my chocolate but I crave peanut m&m's.
I get phone phobia.
I judge books by their covers.
I am always re-decorating.
Showers rejuvenate me.
A cup of tea can solve almost any problem.
I am fiercely independent but secretly I need affirmation.
I hate driving.
I love to fly.
The only beverage I like to put ice in is a glass of coke with a straw.
Clutter drives me crazy but my room is usually a mess.
Cleaning my room is therapeutic for me.
I will only steal pens from hotels if they are clicky pens.
When my television is on it means I need to get work done.
Sometimes I wish I had mono so I could sleep for a month.
Always I wish there were more hours in the day.
I love to lead, but more, I love to be led.
I feel beautiful in a sweatshirt with fancy earrings.
I hate make-up but am convinced I need it.
People wear me out but I need to be around them in order to function.
I don't want to be high maintenance so I will work twice as hard to make you think I'm not.
I need to relax so much that sometimes I get anxious about how I'm not resting.
I make less money than a first year teacher, but my favorite thing to do is buy people gifts.
I love to give hospitality and have trouble receiving it.
I pick grocery stores based on the number of old men that shop there.

That's me right now. Some of it won't ever change, some of it will. Yet no matter how long that list gets, the one constant will be that I am a well-loved daughter of the King. Even in the midst of my "twenty-something quarter-life crisis" my God is El Roi, ever present and ever seeing.

I've been living this entire year in Harrisonburg in a place known as "the Shenandoah Valley." It's a wonderful place full of coffee shops and crystal meth labs, amish families and college students who wear sweatpants and ugg boots. Most people who live here shorten "Shenandoah Valley" and refer to it as "the Valley." The irony of this name didn't hit me until recently. Doesn't the Lord lead us through spiritual valleys? For so long my favorite passage of Scripture was Hosea 2 where the Lord speaks of leading His beloved through the desert and turning "the valley of Achor" (meaning the valley of trouble) into a "door of hope." How interesting that the Lord would choose this year of transition and uncertainty to literally and figuratively place me in "the valley".

Mostly this year I've tried hard to resist the fact that I am in a valley. I don't want to be a failure. I don't want to be so spiritually immature that the Lord has to bring me through another valley in order to get my attention. But really? That is not how He works. His blessing and even more, His presence, is not dependent on my performance or lack thereof. That's what it means that He is Sovereign. Paige Brown of Reformed University Fellowship puts it well,

Can God be any less good to me on the average Tuesday morning than he was on that monumental Friday afternoon when he hung on a cross in my place? The answer is a resounding no. God will not be less good to me tomorrow either, because God cannot be less good to me. His goodness is not the effect of his disposition but the essence of his person--not an attitude but an attribute.

If His goodness is an attribute then it is always present, even in the valleys of life and Harrisonburg. Why should I then be ashamed to be anything less than I am? He knows my failures and flaws and has promised to continue the work of His goodness in me and "carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). Is it always peaches and cream? Heck no! But the wonder of it all is that I get to learn what it looks like to allow my heart to ache with the hope of restoration and at the same time to let my actions and responses flow with the beauty of grace. I don't always know what I will do with the rest of my life, and I don't always know how to avoid getting burnt out, but one thing I do know: He is all that I need and He is more than enough.

Love and Weddings

Annie was the perfect bride. Her dress, made in Germany, was absolutely stunning. She wore little white flowers in her hair and carried a bouquet of white and red roses. Her man? A Navy lieutenant fully decked out in his crisp white uniform. As they were leaving the church after the ceremony, the couple walked through an Arch of Swords. It was just like a movie: romantic and beautiful.

I'm always surprised when I cry at weddings because I know the drill. I've attended slightly less than 278 (yeah, I went to CNU). But watching Annie dance with the man of her dreams just naturally caused tears to well up. I was realizing that the girl I "grew up with" for three years of college was now someone's wife. She even had our favorite sonnet read at the ceremony:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

-William Shakespeare

I love this poem because I memorized it in my favorite class for my favorite teacher in high school. But I also love it because it's so real. Shakespeare spells out for us exactly what love is and is not. It does not change when it discovers a fault or seek to transform the other by removing annoying habits. Those are two things women are good at. We get these insecurities and it's like the only way we know how to hold on is to press in harder. That's why we get a reputation for "nagging". We know what it is we want so we try overly hard to get it. That's why Sara Groves describes grace as "an invitation to be beautiful." As we give grace to those who don't give us exactly what we want from them, we become beautiful and more like the Lord. A woman who gives grace is not only beautiful, but loving. Her love is an "ever fixed mark" because it comes out of an overabundance of the love she is receiving from her Father God. That's the kind of love I want to give; the kind that is beautiful, selfless and unbridled by time or age.

My prayer is that maybe one day the Lord will transform me into that kind of woman- who is clothed with a gracious love and laughs at the days to come.

In the meantime, after all of my tears and celebration tonight, my wallet and I are thankful to announce that the wedding season has ended- at least for this year. My boyfriend will be happy to announce that I did not catch the bouquet, in fact I screamed and backed away as it fell to my feet. Ah yes, free and easy down the road I go...

Until next spring and the next batch of CNU engagements.

Chapstick and God

I have discovered that there are two things I know I will never run out of in this lifetime: mascara and chapstick. They seem to just multiply in their respective drawers. Sometimes I wonder if the mascara and chapstick companies ever got together and decided to specifically target me. They KNOW that as soon as they come out with another one of their endless varieties that I will HAVE to call their bluff and try their new product to see if it really does everything it claims. The problem is that they win in the end because as soon as I "try" the product, I've already purchased it and it is either fantastic and worthy of everyday use or it is doomed to a life of neglect at the bottom of the makeup drawer. My overly full makeup drawer can speak to the dilemma this cause.

Some things I have too much of- like mascara and chapstick and probably ice cream. But there are a few things that I will never ever get enough of- like the way my heart stops for a few seconds every time I turn the corner in Hburg and see those mountains, or the way the "aliveness" stirs up inside me every time I capture a good picture. Some things I not only will never have enough of, but I must fight for on a daily basis. Things like belief and trust in the Lord's faithfulness and Sovereign plan. It is hard to live in the tension of believing in the Lord's goodness, yet not actively resting in that on a day to day basis. My fears of failure and inadequacy are all rooted in my unbelief in the character of the Lord, yet how do I make my heart just believe? Through Scripture and the Holy Spirit- two things I also will never get enough of.

As I write this there is a screaming fest going on between the house across the street from me and a house further on down the street. One kid will scream as loud as he can for as long as he can and the other kid retaliates from down the street. It would be quite amusing if I did not have a migraine headache. However, it is reminding me of a simple truth- that kids have an abundance of energy for one, but also that they have an abundance of faith in who they are. If they feel like screaming at the top of their lungs they will do so, without regard to anyone around them. That sense of pure exhilaration and freedom is beautiful. I long to be like that. To unashamedly be who I am with enough belief in the Lord that I am free to delight in any circumstance.

I guess I just don't like change. Don't get me wrong, I love seasons, especially Fall. Football games and sweatshirts and crunchy leaves and bonfires and apples and hiking- I love it all. But I'm realizing that as much as I love to get to the place I've been trying to go to, I get there and find difficulties. I love new things, but I love old things better. I love ways that are tried and true, and changing for me is difficult. However, no one grows if they never change and so here I am, in the midst of the changes of not being a student and trying to live in the real world working two jobs and paying rent and insurance and learning to believe more that God is good. One thing I do know for sure: I will always have enough chapstick.