Half Full

I complain a lot. I’m pretty sure I’m not considered a “Debbie Downer” since I also smile a lot. But the thing is I’m always talking about something that could be different. A lot of times I call it being “critical” or “discerning” but it’s time to face the facts kids- I’m a complainer. In a twisted psychological way I think it relates very strongly to the people pleaser in me. I want justification. If the situation I find myself in seems unjust then I complain about it to someone else in hopes that they will either complain with me (misery loves company) or tell me that I am in fact not “complaining” just venting feelings that are completely warranted. In either situation I am clearly seeking approval and either way I find the matter utterly unattractive. In Luke 16:15 Jesus says to the Pharisees, “You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God.” Ouch. An abomination? Geez. Why would I seek to justify myself before people when I have already been justified through Jesus Christ in complete disregard to merit! Oh the depths of my unbelief… and yet over such a shallow issue.

So I have decided to put an end to this behavior. No more complaining to get attention or approval I missed out on elsewhere. I want to be rid of this complaining spirit of mine. My justification has already been secured, and thankfully it is not based on my actions but the life and death of Christ. I long for the day when my belief is strong and I don’t need to constantly remind myself of my freedom. But then again, isn’t that what this journey of joy is all about? To discover more and more of my own depravity while experiencing more and more of His sheer goodness. He has set me free that my complaints may be silenced, that my need for approval may sit at rest, and that my joy may be made full. How could I not rejoice in that?!

And if I rejoice, I must be changed. So here begins the process of seeing the glass of half full… after all, wasn’t it Charles Spurgeon who said “he who deserves nothing should be content with anything.”

Back to Suits and Pantyhose

Oh wait... I have never actually worn a suit in my life. My Phi Mu girls can tell you all about our panty-hose days. Didn't we have a bon-fire to burn them all after our last Formal Business? Nevertheless I have gone from barely showering and sweating all day in Newark New Jersey, to primping each morning for an hour before sitting in an air conditioned office putting clear nailpolish over the runs in my pantyhose. Did I mention I have to wear suits?! Even on my classiest days a suit never crossed my mind. It's so constraining, so professional, so... not me. Evan Thomas Moore will tell you- I was not made for a career. So it follows that I was not made to feel like myself in a suit.

Regardless of the fancy attire however, I do love my job. Scratch that. I absolutely LOVE my job! What do I do that is so wonderful, you might ask. Answer: a whole lot of nothing. I pick-up phone calls, I open mail, I even get the coffee and make copies. And each day I continue to be surprised at the joy I find in this job! See, doing nothing also leaves plenty of time for me to process the extreme busy-ness of the past year and summer. Here I have nothing to stress about except learning how to drive stick shift and becoming un-homeless. There is no morning preparation before arriving at work besides my own beautification and a good cup of coffee. When 5:30 hits, I walk out the door and don't have to think twice about any of the days events. Selfish, you say? Perhaps. But when you go from working 72 plus hours a week to a max of 41, you not only take advantage of free time, you NEED it. I think the best foundation for a renewed heart is time spent in reflection and rest. In her book, "If You Want to Write", Brena Ueland uses a term I have become very fond of these past few weeks- "moodling." Ueland says "moodling denotes creative and life giving solitude. The imagination needs moodling- long, inefficient happy idling, dawdling and puttering." I like her. I like making up words. And I really like moodling. My job lets me moodle. I have only ever been in bondage to a to-do list which constantly muddles up any free time I might have attempted to enjoy. This time, free time is mine. To spend however I want and I ain’t settlin’. I might learn Italian, or photography, or guitar. I might go to the gym more than once a week. I might just read lots of books or watch lots of sunsets. Whatever I do, I want you to know:

I will take moodling over muddling any day... even if I have to wear pantyhose.