Journey of Joy

Something Beautiful- New Recipes!

2009-03-31T11:55:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to do at work these days. And in this case "much" is quantified as "nothing at all." So I read the entire Twilight series, I am currently reading Harry Potter 2, and my new obsession has been food blogs. They inspire me to cook healthy and delicious foods. They teach me to be adventurous and try new foods because each step in the cooking process is outlined. Well friends, here is my very own attempt at a food blog post!

My new favorite thing to make is an Italian Quesadilla known as a "Mezza Luna" which means "Half Moon." It is basically a Caprese Salad inside a tortilla! Healthy, delicious, and takes about 7 minutes on a slow day.

Ingredients:
Olive Oil
Salt
Pepper
Tomato
Fresh Mozzerella
Fresh Basil
One Tortilla (you can use plain flour tortilla's, or whole wheat, or sundried tomato).

1. In a large skillet, pour about 1/2 Tablespoon Olive Oil and set to medium heat.

(Optional- throw in a few garlic cloves and let them simmer for a few minutes, then discard garlic before proceeding).

2. While olive oil is heating up, slice tomato. You will need 2-4 slices depending on the size of your tortilla. Cut enough to spread across half of the tortilla. Next slice Mozzarella. Again, the amount you use will vary according to your tastes and the size of the tortilla. I use about 3 medium size slices. Wash a few Basil leaves (I use about 5-6).

3. After a few minutes, lay tortilla in the skillet and allow it to "blister" about 45 seconds before flipping to do the same to the other side. When both sides have blistered, salt and pepper the side facing up. Then lay tomato, mozzarella, and basil on one side and fold the tortilla over to make the "half moon." At this point I turn the heat down a little bit so the cheese inside can get all melty but the outside of the tortilla doesn't burn.

Once it's all melted to perfection, cut into four pieces and enjoy!! Sometimes if the tomato is extra juicy I bust out a fork and knife so I don't make a mess. Just something to think about.

Something Beautiful- It Stopped Raining!!

2009-03-17T11:48:00.000-07:00

It's been raining non-stop for six days now. So much rain that my heart decided it needed to cry too. I've been weepy and tired and have come to the general conclusion that I must be solar powered.

Yesterday was day five of the dark, gloomy rain and I was reaching the end of my tolerance rope. So when the "feel-good-cuddle-movie" planned for the evening turned out to be horribly depressing AND it kept me up past my bed time, I was a mess. The thought of having to go to work in the morning with nothing to do and only rain to look at through the windows made me want to throw up. So I cried. a lot. and fell asleep praying for SOMETHING good to happen the next day.

This morning I woke up tired, again, and to a dark room and the sounds of rain, again. So as I pulled myself out from the warm covers and turned the lights on, I decided to take a risky move- I was going to have hope for the day. I got into the shower trying to think of how I could be thankful for the rain. But how could I possibly be thankful for something that tried to swallow me whole? And then I remembered this song I used to sing to myself in high school. Ironically, it's called "Blue Skies". It says,

"on days of grey, when doubt clouds my view,
it's so hard to see past my fears.
My strength seems to fade and it's all I can do,
to hold on til the light reappears.
Still I believe, though some rain's bound to fall,
that You're here next to me, and You're over it all."

What a good song to fill up my heart on a rainy day that I was trying so desperately to overcome. It comforted me to know and trust that the Lord is even bigger than rainy days and senseless tears. The next part of the song goes like this,

"Lord the sky's still blue,
cuz my hope is in You,
You're my joy,
You're the dream that's still alive."

And so as I got ready for the day I had to constantly remind myself that my hope can't lie in sunny days and lots of sleep. Those things will always fade. But the Lord is true always. Even when I get distracted and gloomy by the incessant rain, I can rejoice knowing that one day there will be endless blue skies in the presence of His glory. That dream can't die no matter how dark it gets outside.

So today has been better as I have been setting my hope and finding my joy in the LORD and not in the state of the weather. And guess what? This afternoon the rain FINALLY stopped! There isn't a trace of blue in the sky but at least we are in the beginning stages of some sunshine! I still reserve the right to struggle with rainy days and claim to be solar powered, but this post is a reminder even for myself that there is a greater reason to smile.

when it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile...

Something Beautiful- being girlie

2009-03-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

I am so thankful for good girlfriends! Last night I got some time with my good friend Kristen and her baby. There's not much in the world better than just laughing with a favorite girl.

Something Beautiful

2009-03-10T12:22:00.001-07:00

Hi Friends! It's been a LONG time! I have found myself lately in this season of thoughts that are either too intimate to share on the internet or too incomplete to share effectively. But, I do want to work on being more in love with my every day life. So, come with me on this journey to find joy in the little things! I'm going to be posting just little short thoughts and things about my day that are beautiful. Hopefully this will also reorient myself to the great blogosphere and soon I will be back to my long winded posts! But for now, welcome to the era of the mini blog!

Today's something beautiful is my garden of daffodils. Daffodils are my favorite flowers IN THE WORLD. Like Meg Ryan says of daisies in You've Got Mail, "They're so friendly. Don't you think [they] are the friendliest flower?" Daffodils just smile up at you with their cheerful yellow color and delicate demeanor. And they smell incredible! Just a couple in a room can make the entire room smell beautiful. Also I think I like them because they are the first sign of spring. The first sign that beauty and sunshine are coming! What a cool thing for God to do, to bring hope through the last days of Winter that the sun will soon be out!

sidenote: check out the leaves! we aren't very good landscapers!!

Healing

2008-11-04T13:33:00.000-08:00

"Are you mourning over your own weakness? Take courage,
for there must be a consciousness of weakness before the Lord will give
thee victory. Your emptiness is but the preparation for your being
filled, and your casting down is but the making ready for your lifting
up."
-Charles H. Spurgeon

I am empty. I am weak. I am hoping in the promise of healing.

Morning

2008-10-17T06:12:00.000-07:00

Morning is my favorite time of day. I love everything about it. I love that it's the time that you get to sleep in, snuggled under warm covers, the tip of your nose cold from the autumn air. It's a time to be thankful for a night of rest, and eager for a day of God's glory. I love that it's the time to get up early, to see sunrises, and drink coffee; to sit quietly with the Lord as the day awakens. I even love the food that comes with morning time. Bagels, yogurt, fruit, cereal, eggs, bacon, pancakes, mmmm. I espeically love the phrase "Good Morning." I think it is one of the happiest, friendliest greetings and I wish it could be used all day long.

Lately, however, my mornings have been rushed and that makes me cranky. I wake up before my alarm and almost pray that it's 2 a.m. and not 6:39. I day dream of calling in sick. I wake up tired, my tummy doesn't want the coffee that my brain needs, and I'm bitter at my roommate for getting to sleep in. The shower is warm and soothing and begs me to just stay there all day. I literally console myself in the mornings with a promise of an early bedtime when the day is over. Where is the joy in a fresh day? Why can't I let go of my selfish desire for sleep and rest in the promise that the day has already been ordained. There is joy in the presence of the Lord... why do I focus instead on the busy tasks that lie before me?

"Satisfy [me] in the morning with Your unfailing love, that [I] may sing for joy and be glad all [my] days."
Psalm 90:14

One of the sweetest memories I have of living in Newark this summer is of rooming with the radiantly beautiful Martha Iverson. Every single morning, no matter how late she had stayed up, or how much she had on her to-do list, she woke up with a smile. That is loving life in the truest sense- even when it's difficult to wake up, and even if the morning is rushed. She smiled because her hope was not in her feelings about the day, but in the unfailing love of her Lord.

What would it look like for me to be SATISFIED with the love that the Lord has for me. So much so that I wake up tired and just smile, because I know that the day is spoken for by the beauty of the Cross. Nothing about my frail human condition, even my sin, can get in the way of the purposes of the Lord for the day He has set before me.

"I know that you can do all things; no plan of Yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2

May my spirit rest in Truth, and may it ever yield to Thee...

Dreamin'

2008-09-19T13:30:00.000-07:00

Today I wish I already owned my coffee shop. I also wish that it was Christmastime so my coffee shop would smell like dark sumatra, apple spice candles, wood fire, and freshly baked pumpkin pie.

Lindsay's Latest Loves

2008-09-04T08:00:00.001-07:00

Friends, it's time for another list. I have these fun new things that make my life slightly more enjoyable and I want to share!

1. Vanilla Mint Chapstick. Enough said.

2. Greenberry's Dark Sumatra Coffee. Once you've had the best you can never go back to regular.

3. John Frieda's Creme Serum Overnight Repair Formula. Yes I know, a lot of words, but basically it's a conditioner that you put in your hair before you go to sleep. It is light and not greasy and makes your hair feel like satin in the morning!

4. Vaseline Healthy Hand and Nail Condition lotion. No more hangnails!

5. Driving Stick Shift! (Thank you Martha Iverson and Zach Fauver).

6. Pandora Radio. It's a website (www.pandora.com) where you type in your favorite artist and the site creates an online radio station for you to hear only that artist and similar artists. Perfect when you're sick of your itunes and want to hear some sweet jams.

7. "Telling Yourself the Truth" by William Backus and Marie Chapman.

8. Having a tailor. She's wonderful. I buy a $5 skirt from the thrift store that is beautiful but doesn't quite fit right and for five more dollars she fixes it for me and voila! I have a perfect beautiful skirt that only cost $10!!

9. Walmart.com Free Samples. No joke- this is where I get all of my laundry detergent.

10. Having salary, benefits, and "must-use-before-January-annual-vacation-leave!"

What can I say? It's a good life these days :)

Unbelief

2008-08-28T16:06:00.000-07:00

This morning's snippet from Charles Spurgeon is too precious not to share. His words are just beautiful.

"Strive with all diligence to keep out that monster unbelief. It so dishonors Christ, that he will withdraw Hi visible presence if we insult him by indulging it. It is true it is a weed, the seeds of which we can never entirely extract from the soil, but we MUST aim at its root with zeal and perseverance. Among hateful things it is the most to be abhorred. Its injurious nature is so venomous that he that exerciseth it and he upon whom it is exercised are both hurt thereby. In thy case, O believer! it is most wicked, for the mercies of thy Lord in the past, increase thy guilt in doubting him now. When thou dost distrust the Lord Jesus, he may well cry out, "Behold, I am pressed under you, as a cart is pressed that is full of sheaves." This is crowning his head with thorns of the sharpest kind. It is very cruel for a well-beloved wife to mistrust a kind and faithful husband. The sin is needless, foolish, and unwarranted. Jesus has never given the slightest ground for suspicion, and it is hard to be doubted by those to whom our conduct is uniformly affectionate and true. Jesus is the Son of the Highest, and has unbounded wealth; it is shameful to doubt Omnipotence and distrust all-sufficiency. The cattle on a thousand hills will suffice for our most hungry feeding, and the granaries of heaven are not likely to be emptied by our eating. If Christ were only a cistern, we might soon exhaust his fullness, but who can drain a fountain? Myriads of spirits have drawn their supplies from him, and not one of them has murmured at the scantiness of His resources. Away, then, with this lying traitor unbelief, for his only errand is to cut the bonds of communion and make us mourn an absent Savior. Bunyan tells us that unbelief has "as many lives as a cat:" if so, let us kill one life now, and continue the work till the whole nine are gone. Down with thee, thou traitor, my heart abhors thee."

What could I even say that would add to that? My heart is so easily prone to unbelief and every imaginable sin follows out of it- worry, fear, and manipulation just to name a few. What wife with an unbelievably amazing husband fails to trust him with all that she is? And yet I withhold my trust from the Lord even knowing it is detrimental to my own rest and peace. How do I possibly think I could do a better job handling my life than the One who created my life and ordained it? "Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you." Psalm 116:7

Half Full

2008-08-27T11:05:00.000-07:00

I complain a lot. I’m pretty sure I’m not considered a “Debbie Downer” since I also smile a lot. But the thing is I’m always talking about something that could be different. A lot of times I call it being “critical” or “discerning” but it’s time to face the facts kids- I’m a complainer. In a twisted psychological way I think it relates very strongly to the people pleaser in me. I want justification. If the situation I find myself in seems unjust then I complain about it to someone else in hopes that they will either complain with me (misery loves company) or tell me that I am in fact not “complaining” just venting feelings that are completely warranted. In either situation I am clearly seeking approval and either way I find the matter utterly unattractive. In Luke 16:15 Jesus says to the Pharisees, “You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God.” Ouch. An abomination? Geez. Why would I seek to justify myself before people when I have already been justified through Jesus Christ in complete disregard to merit! Oh the depths of my unbelief… and yet over such a shallow issue.

So I have decided to put an end to this behavior. No more complaining to get attention or approval I missed out on elsewhere. I want to be rid of this complaining spirit of mine. My justification has already been secured, and thankfully it is not based on my actions but the life and death of Christ. I long for the day when my belief is strong and I don’t need to constantly remind myself of my freedom. But then again, isn’t that what this journey of joy is all about? To discover more and more of my own depravity while experiencing more and more of His sheer goodness. He has set me free that my complaints may be silenced, that my need for approval may sit at rest, and that my joy may be made full. How could I not rejoice in that?!

And if I rejoice, I must be changed. So here begins the process of seeing the glass of half full… after all, wasn’t it Charles Spurgeon who said “he who deserves nothing should be content with anything.”

Back to Suits and Pantyhose

2008-08-19T13:25:00.000-07:00

Oh wait... I have never actually worn a suit in my life. My Phi Mu girls can tell you all about our panty-hose days. Didn't we have a bon-fire to burn them all after our last Formal Business? Nevertheless I have gone from barely showering and sweating all day in Newark New Jersey, to primping each morning for an hour before sitting in an air conditioned office putting clear nailpolish over the runs in my pantyhose. Did I mention I have to wear suits?! Even on my classiest days a suit never crossed my mind. It's so constraining, so professional, so... not me. Evan Thomas Moore will tell you- I was not made for a career. So it follows that I was not made to feel like myself in a suit.

Regardless of the fancy attire however, I do love my job. Scratch that. I absolutely LOVE my job! What do I do that is so wonderful, you might ask. Answer: a whole lot of nothing. I pick-up phone calls, I open mail, I even get the coffee and make copies. And each day I continue to be surprised at the joy I find in this job! See, doing nothing also leaves plenty of time for me to process the extreme busy-ness of the past year and summer. Here I have nothing to stress about except learning how to drive stick shift and becoming un-homeless. There is no morning preparation before arriving at work besides my own beautification and a good cup of coffee. When 5:30 hits, I walk out the door and don't have to think twice about any of the days events. Selfish, you say? Perhaps. But when you go from working 72 plus hours a week to a max of 41, you not only take advantage of free time, you NEED it. I think the best foundation for a renewed heart is time spent in reflection and rest. In her book, "If You Want to Write", Brena Ueland uses a term I have become very fond of these past few weeks- "moodling." Ueland says "moodling denotes creative and life giving solitude. The imagination needs moodling- long, inefficient happy idling, dawdling and puttering." I like her. I like making up words. And I really like moodling. My job lets me moodle. I have only ever been in bondage to a to-do list which constantly muddles up any free time I might have attempted to enjoy. This time, free time is mine. To spend however I want and I ain’t settlin’. I might learn Italian, or photography, or guitar. I might go to the gym more than once a week. I might just read lots of books or watch lots of sunsets. Whatever I do, I want you to know:

I will take moodling over muddling any day... even if I have to wear pantyhose.

Snapshots

2008-07-09T08:24:00.000-07:00

So can you see how limited my internet access is? I can't even find the time to post an already written blog! For now though, here are a few pictures of my favorites... these kids just tug at my heart. Their parents hardly take care of them, and basically I want to keep all of them.

This is Jocelyn and Emely. Their older brother, Ariel, is Autistic and they take care of him.

This is Brandon. Tomorrow he will turn 9 years old. He's not excited about his birthday because he never gets presents and told me he has never had a birthday party.

This is Dwanda Zakaylah. She knows how "black" her name is, so she decided to go by Zakaylah and then shorten it to just plain "Kaylah." She thinks this will bring her more respect. The sad truth is that she's probably right. The even sadder truth is that she understands and knows ethnic discrimination at 8 years old.

I love these kids. They are rude and disrespectful and they cry if you try to discipline them, but they will come back every single day because they know that here they can find love and attention. I hope that someday when they grow up and leave this place, they remember the love they found here and seek after the Lord. He is their only hope. He is our only hope. They know they can't be loved based on their "goodness"- because they are not good. What a sweet blessing. I have spent 23 years trying to learn that I am not good and that nothing I do can ever make me good. In a way it's good for them to grow up knowing their depravity, so they can immediately claim the perfection of Christ's life and death. He is the only thing good about me and I long for them to know that truth.

Newark Day Two (Inefficiency)

2008-06-30T11:16:00.000-07:00

Today was my first full day in Newark. And today was the day I got introduced to the "office." Well I guess you can call it an office. There is a desk, and there is paper. But I have never seen anything so messy in my life! It is mostly just trash and piles of unidentifiable papers. Also I found the following: a wig, a strobe light, a microphone, playdough, and a stuffed cat. IN THE OFFICE. I guess this is where my spiritual gift of throwing things away comes in to play. Does it belong somewhere else? Does it look crappy? Does it light up? Get it out of the office!! I spent most of the morning just throwing things out.

Over lunch we had our first meeting as a staff team. Honestly, it was one of the most in-efficient meetings I had ever been to. The food however was fun; we went to lunch at a Brazillian place down the block where you pay by the weight of your plate! How fun is that? Probably the ONE time that salad is cheaper than pasta. We proceeded to sit around the table and kind of talk about what needed to be done that day. Nothing ever really got finalized, no one was assigned specific tasks, we just talked in general about what maybe could happen that day. Then we sauntered out of the restaurant and walked rather aimlessly back to the church to "get to it." This way of life is SO different than what I'm used to!

So, since nothing was really happening except for more standing around, I snuck off with two of my favorite boys to get coffee and a Portugese pastry. We got back just as the after school program was starting. "Program" here is another word for "organized chaos." The kids are rowdy and un-compliant. As soon as I walked in they wanted to know if I was the same white girl with red hair that came on a missions trip in March. Apparently we all look alike. The girls have names like "Nyeisha" and "Kyasia" and have attitudes more complicated than their names. Still, I am excited to learn how to love them and guide them well.

There is so much more that happened today but it's so very late so I'll just give a few more quick thoughts:

Kimberly is amazing. I really do want to be her. She makes this awesome healthy food for like ten people every night and it all fits within her small budget.

Betsy, Kimberly's sister is also amazing. She's going to be one of two other girls who will be here this summer, and lucky for me she's so great. We connect really well and continue to find similarities. I am thankful for her.

One day I want to read C.S.Lewis' books on Narnia. The movies are incredible and really do show me so much about the character of God. I love Lucy's simple belief and struggle with the same in Prince Caspian.

Last but not least. Tonight we met Fernando. He's from Brazil but has lived here for 25 years. We just met him out on the street as we were picking through the "yard-sale" of trash that Newarkians puts out every Tuesday night. Clean cut, and intelligent, he asked us if we wanted a free TV. He explained he was leaving the country soon and wanted to get rid of it. His house was only five minutes away and we could go get it right then. So, we hopped in his car (I wouldn't recommend trying this at home- mmm or really EVER) and drove to his apartment. Up the sketchy stairs and into his place. I guess if you're going to killed why not do it under the pretense of getting a sweet TV? But, turns out he was legit. There was the monstrous TV. As he unplugged the video games and dvd player he told us of how he lost custody of his daughter after his tragic divorce. We carried the TV back down through the apartment complex (and of course by "we" I mean I watched while they carried) and into his car where it barely fit in the trunk. When we reached my street, Fernando got out of his car and helped us carry the monster up three flights of stairs to my tiny attic apartment. I was so surprised and blessed by his kindness. No one in Northern Virginia would ever consider giving away a television, let alone to a stranger, and forget helping to carry it off! Fernando did warn us that we shouldn't just go off with anyone who says they have a free TV, and that is probably true- not all strangers with candy actually have candy. Still the concept just blows my mind. He was so willing to help with something so trivial. Did I really NEED a TV? Nope. If I wanted one that badly wouldn't I find the money to buy one? Absolutely. But none of those things mattered to Fernando. The only thing that mattered was that he was able to make my life a little easier; that he could welcome me to his city. The whole encounter reminds me of the early church- how they shared everything they had without regard to status or merit. What if we all lived like that? How much could we bless each other and encourage the body of Christ?! One last thought before I close- why was he able to drop everything for those twenty minutes to help us drag a huge TV around Newark? Maybe because he didn't have much of an itinerary. Maybe he's inefficient. What a blessing.

Newark Day One

2008-06-29T08:20:00.001-07:00

Has it really been a month?! Wow! Newark consumes me, but not in a bad way at all. I am so engaged in the battle for these kids hearts that there is often time for little else. I am able to get on the internet in limited bursts; maybe for about seven minutes each day with screaming kids and gangster music thumping in the background. Not a very suitable environment for my blogging habits. Nevertheless, during the first entire week I blogged about each day and have been waiting for a quiet moment to be able to get online to copy them over from Microsoft Word into the blogosphere. I have hardly noticed that an entire month has escaped. But without further ado, here is week one of Newark.

Day One
I am still a little unsure, but most of me loves this place. It is crowded and hot but the community is so vibrant. The first thing I noticed about Danny Iverson is how slowly he walks. We were on an errand to get my keys from my landlord and it took us about ten minutes to walk straight down the block. My fast-paced, often high-strung personality can't handle people who take 15 minutes to finish what could be finished in 3. Yet what is it about him that is so captivating? I'm reminded of that old hymn "The Love of Christ is Rich and Free" and the line that says "before the throne my Surety stands." I think that one of Danny Iverson's names for God is "Surety." Everything for him is secured and sure, so much so that he doesn't even hurry his steps or his conversation because he knows he will ultimately get where the Lord wants him to be. It brings a whole new meaning to Larry Crabb's phrase- "the pressure's off!" Still, I am making a mental note of the slowness of things around here, because I know that at some point my fast-paced craziness is going to want to butt heads with this environment.

The second man I met in Newark today is Leo. He is wonderful. He speaks Spanish and very broken English in such an accent that I struggle to understand most of what he says. But he introduced me to my attic apartment right above where he stays with his family. The stench of cigarette smoke coupled with bleach tells me he's spent most of today trying to scrub away the remaining aroma left by the smokers who used to live there. Aside from the smell, the apartment is more than I imagined I would have. The first room leads back into another room of equal size, which then leads back into the kitchen. The kitchen has a tiny door off to the side which opens up to the smallest and most disgusting bathroom I've ever seen. It is at the slanted part of the attic so I can't even stand up straight and I will have to come up with some sort of yoga-ish maneuver in order to squeeze past the shower doors into the tiny space for the shower. Still- what an adventure! As I check out the apartment I also meet Leo's little girls. Jularis, Estephanie, and Camilla. Estephanie speaks English, but two year old Camilla speaks a two year old version of Spanglish. I am in love with these girls. They look up at me like they can't believe I am actually talking to them and my heart is rejoicing in the opportunity to hang out with fun little neighbors! They took me outside to their "backyard" which is basically 9 square feet of sodded grass. This is where they jump rope or barbeque or play with their dolls. I can't wait to play with them!

Of all the things today, one of the greatest blessings has been having a dear old friend on the trip with me. He was randomly able to take some time off to drive the four hours with me, even letting me take over passenger seat half way through. He knows the city well so it has been so incredibly comforting just kind of following him through the day as I begin to learn more and more about this place I will call home. He is also good at asking for things, so when we discovered that the attic apartment didn't have an AC unit, he negotiated with the landlord to find me one- something I wouldn't have done in a million years but I would have died without. I am adventurous and independent, but I can't deny the sweet rest in following someone who is even more adventurous and independent than I am.

Last note- Leo knew that I was new to the city and wouldn't know how to find Walmart or the grocery store. So instead of telling me directions, he went to his car, took out his GPS and handed it to me. I get to use it for the summertime. I am in awe that he would entrust me with such a valuable object, and even more, that he would give up his own rights to use HIS GPS just to make me more comfortable. When I heard Shane Claiborne speak at JMU he told us "the best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them away." Leo embodied that for me today.

Pieces

2008-05-28T12:03:00.001-07:00

Ah friends. One thing I have learned on my blogging journey is NEVER to EVER promise that a blog will soon come. The intentions were always good but somehow life got in the way. I vaguely remember the blog about Valentine's day. It was going to talk about how cute it was to log into Google and see an old man and woman holding hands walking into the sunset. There was probably going to be a big girlie *sigh* and I would have talked about how that is my dream (not to be depicted on Google of course, but to still be holding hands and enjoying sunsets at an old age). Next I was probably going to make fun of all those who mock Valentine's day calling it an over-comercialized holiday. Let's be honest- we're Americans, what do we NOT over-comercialize? Sure, in a house of seven girls, it's a little ridiculous to get home from work and see six boxes of flowers-in-the-mail sitting on our porch. But at the same time? It's TOTALLY FUN to have flowers all over the house! And shoot straight with me, since when do you need to have a significant other in order to devote a day to the celebration of love? Some of my favorite Valentine's days have been spent cooking dinner for my guys or watching chic-flicks with the girls. Probably my most favorite thing about Valentine's day is the chance you have to unexpectedly make someone else enjoy THEIR Valentine's day. I always send my Grandmas packages of heart shaped cookies and love letters. Nothing big, I'm not a romantic suitor that's going to sweep them off their feet, but I still love them and make their day every year. That is why I will never be sad about Valentine's day or selfish enough to turn the day into a day of wishing for romance. It is quite simply a celebration of love, and any celebration of love is a celebration of life itself.

There, now you have the outline of the blog I promised back in February. The second one I promised was going to be about an author I was reading at the time- Charles Spurgeon. I find his life and struggles fascinating. The man had such a complete trust in the Sovereign Lord. If one day my trust in the Lord compares to his in even the smallest way I will have grown tremendously. His work will surely be incorporated into many of my posts from here on out, so I will spare you the long post I would have originally written about him and his faithfulness.

My temptation is to hide when things get hard, hence the lack of blog posts. It wasn't just that life was hard, it was that it was hard in a way I had never experienced before. And so instead of learning much immediately and sharing, I had to take the longer route of rediscovering the Lord's goodness. And I am very much still in that process, I am just beginning to function better as I learn! I think my supervisor said it most accurately when he looked at me and said, "Lindsay, this year has broken you in so many ways, do you believe that God wants to restore you?" And I, the planned-out-answers, quick-on-my-feet, always-have-an-opinion-or-a-way-to-quickly-BS-the-right-response QUEEN, sat there dumbfounded. I felt like I wasn't even myself for a minute because I didn't have an answer and beyond that I wasn't even sure that the correct answer was yes.

So here I am, broken, as usual, and this time trying to truly believe in God's goodness. He is faithful my friends, and I know that He will show me. In fact, He already has in countless ways. It's just that my bruised and selfish heart is taking the slow route in understanding it all. My stubborn self doesn't want to firmly commit to anything that I haven't already fully investigated and comprehended. And so I say, I'm growing. There is hope. Always. Even when I'm not entirely sure what it looks like. But as I continue to put together the pieces of what exactly it all looks like, I will be posting to share with y'all. My heart delights in sharing Truth, and I can't hide away from that forever. :)

Lindsay's Latest Loves

2008-02-27T10:26:00.000-08:00

I promise I will be blogging for real soon. It's all been brewing in my head. But for now there are a few fantastic new things in my life that I would like you all to know about. Thus, my list of "Lindsay's Latest Loves":

1. Burt's Bees replenishing lip balm. It has pomegranate oil in it! Mmmm :)
2. All things Charlie Hall. The beard, the earrings, and the following songs: "Walk the World", "Christ the solid rock", "Nothing but the blood".
3. Racial Reconciliation.
4. Bedtime tea consisting of just boiled water, a peppermint teabag, a chamomile teabag, a splash of milk, and a spoonful of sugar. Delish!
5. Gmail. Reply All.
6. Curves Gym for Women. Especially station number 9. It has pom-poms!
7. The book "From Fear to Freedom" by Rose Marie Miller. It's legit.
8. Packages in the mail. Getting them and sending them.
9. These five words: Hope, Believe, Trust, Rest, Delight.
10. Facebook Bumper Stickers.

Just the little things that get me through the day! Real blog to come...

Salute to Panera

2008-02-16T13:19:00.001-08:00

Observation of the Day:

Panera offers just the right amount of cream cheese with their bagels

...and you can sit on a couch by the fireplace, access free internet, and get work done for hours on end. Who wouldn't love this place?

Thoughts on Valentine's Day to come soon.

The Valley

2007-12-21T13:20:00.000-08:00

Today I discovered what is wrong with my life. For 17 of my 22 years I have operated on a school schedule. This presents a problem to my graduated self. Exactly how does one function without a Christmas break that lasts six weeks? I am used to skipping classes and getting work done the hour before the deadline. Not so in "the real world". I am 22 years old and I am $19,926 in debt. My "real world" contains flat tires, phone bills, monthly rent, computers that crash, and an average of 71.25 work hours per week. This work thing also presents a problem. I rather enjoy such things as friends, sleep, and laughter, but I find they have taken a significant blow in light of my crazy work schedule.

So how does one cope? With many secret tears. But the truth I have been bumping into consistently is that my God is faithful to renew His glorious mercies each morning. One of my favorite names of God is the Hebrew name El Roi, meaning the God who sees. What a comfort that is to me! He sees my struggle and understands my pain. He knows how my heart longs for freedom. He created me to be this way. To rejoice in the things I rejoice in and to hurt over the things I hurt for.

He is teaching me more and more about myself these days. And really what I'm discovering most is that I am a bundle of inconsistencies:
I don't like nuts in my chocolate but I crave peanut m&m's.
I get phone phobia.
I judge books by their covers.
I am always re-decorating.
Showers rejuvenate me.
A cup of tea can solve almost any problem.
I am fiercely independent but secretly I need affirmation.
I hate driving.
I love to fly.
The only beverage I like to put ice in is a glass of coke with a straw.
Clutter drives me crazy but my room is usually a mess.
Cleaning my room is therapeutic for me.
I will only steal pens from hotels if they are clicky pens.
When my television is on it means I need to get work done.
Sometimes I wish I had mono so I could sleep for a month.
Always I wish there were more hours in the day.
I love to lead, but more, I love to be led.
I feel beautiful in a sweatshirt with fancy earrings.
I hate make-up but am convinced I need it.
People wear me out but I need to be around them in order to function.
I don't want to be high maintenance so I will work twice as hard to make you think I'm not.
I need to relax so much that sometimes I get anxious about how I'm not resting.
I make less money than a first year teacher, but my favorite thing to do is buy people gifts.
I love to give hospitality and have trouble receiving it.
I pick grocery stores based on the number of old men that shop there.

That's me right now. Some of it won't ever change, some of it will. Yet no matter how long that list gets, the one constant will be that I am a well-loved daughter of the King. Even in the midst of my "twenty-something quarter-life crisis" my God is El Roi, ever present and ever seeing.

I've been living this entire year in Harrisonburg in a place known as "the Shenandoah Valley." It's a wonderful place full of coffee shops and crystal meth labs, amish families and college students who wear sweatpants and ugg boots. Most people who live here shorten "Shenandoah Valley" and refer to it as "the Valley." The irony of this name didn't hit me until recently. Doesn't the Lord lead us through spiritual valleys? For so long my favorite passage of Scripture was Hosea 2 where the Lord speaks of leading His beloved through the desert and turning "the valley of Achor" (meaning the valley of trouble) into a "door of hope." How interesting that the Lord would choose this year of transition and uncertainty to literally and figuratively place me in "the valley".

Mostly this year I've tried hard to resist the fact that I am in a valley. I don't want to be a failure. I don't want to be so spiritually immature that the Lord has to bring me through another valley in order to get my attention. But really? That is not how He works. His blessing and even more, His presence, is not dependent on my performance or lack thereof. That's what it means that He is Sovereign. Paige Brown of Reformed University Fellowship puts it well,

Can God be any less good to me on the average Tuesday morning than he was on that monumental Friday afternoon when he hung on a cross in my place? The answer is a resounding no. God will not be less good to me tomorrow either, because God cannot be less good to me. His goodness is not the effect of his disposition but the essence of his person--not an attitude but an attribute.

If His goodness is an attribute then it is always present, even in the valleys of life and Harrisonburg. Why should I then be ashamed to be anything less than I am? He knows my failures and flaws and has promised to continue the work of His goodness in me and "carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). Is it always peaches and cream? Heck no! But the wonder of it all is that I get to learn what it looks like to allow my heart to ache with the hope of restoration and at the same time to let my actions and responses flow with the beauty of grace. I don't always know what I will do with the rest of my life, and I don't always know how to avoid getting burnt out, but one thing I do know: He is all that I need and He is more than enough.

Love and Weddings

2007-11-10T19:49:00.000-08:00

Annie was the perfect bride. Her dress, made in Germany, was absolutely stunning. She wore little white flowers in her hair and carried a bouquet of white and red roses. Her man? A Navy lieutenant fully decked out in his crisp white uniform. As they were leaving the church after the ceremony, the couple walked through an Arch of Swords. It was just like a movie: romantic and beautiful.

I'm always surprised when I cry at weddings because I know the drill. I've attended slightly less than 278 (yeah, I went to CNU). But watching Annie dance with the man of her dreams just naturally caused tears to well up. I was realizing that the girl I "grew up with" for three years of college was now someone's wife. She even had our favorite sonnet read at the ceremony:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

-William Shakespeare

I love this poem because I memorized it in my favorite class for my favorite teacher in high school. But I also love it because it's so real. Shakespeare spells out for us exactly what love is and is not. It does not change when it discovers a fault or seek to transform the other by removing annoying habits. Those are two things women are good at. We get these insecurities and it's like the only way we know how to hold on is to press in harder. That's why we get a reputation for "nagging". We know what it is we want so we try overly hard to get it. That's why Sara Groves describes grace as "an invitation to be beautiful." As we give grace to those who don't give us exactly what we want from them, we become beautiful and more like the Lord. A woman who gives grace is not only beautiful, but loving. Her love is an "ever fixed mark" because it comes out of an overabundance of the love she is receiving from her Father God. That's the kind of love I want to give; the kind that is beautiful, selfless and unbridled by time or age.

My prayer is that maybe one day the Lord will transform me into that kind of woman- who is clothed with a gracious love and laughs at the days to come.

In the meantime, after all of my tears and celebration tonight, my wallet and I are thankful to announce that the wedding season has ended- at least for this year. My boyfriend will be happy to announce that I did not catch the bouquet, in fact I screamed and backed away as it fell to my feet. Ah yes, free and easy down the road I go...

Until next spring and the next batch of CNU engagements.

Chapstick and God

2007-10-09T15:07:00.000-07:00

I have discovered that there are two things I know I will never run out of in this lifetime: mascara and chapstick. They seem to just multiply in their respective drawers. Sometimes I wonder if the mascara and chapstick companies ever got together and decided to specifically target me. They KNOW that as soon as they come out with another one of their endless varieties that I will HAVE to call their bluff and try their new product to see if it really does everything it claims. The problem is that they win in the end because as soon as I "try" the product, I've already purchased it and it is either fantastic and worthy of everyday use or it is doomed to a life of neglect at the bottom of the makeup drawer. My overly full makeup drawer can speak to the dilemma this cause.

Some things I have too much of- like mascara and chapstick and probably ice cream. But there are a few things that I will never ever get enough of- like the way my heart stops for a few seconds every time I turn the corner in Hburg and see those mountains, or the way the "aliveness" stirs up inside me every time I capture a good picture. Some things I not only will never have enough of, but I must fight for on a daily basis. Things like belief and trust in the Lord's faithfulness and Sovereign plan. It is hard to live in the tension of believing in the Lord's goodness, yet not actively resting in that on a day to day basis. My fears of failure and inadequacy are all rooted in my unbelief in the character of the Lord, yet how do I make my heart just believe? Through Scripture and the Holy Spirit- two things I also will never get enough of.

As I write this there is a screaming fest going on between the house across the street from me and a house further on down the street. One kid will scream as loud as he can for as long as he can and the other kid retaliates from down the street. It would be quite amusing if I did not have a migraine headache. However, it is reminding me of a simple truth- that kids have an abundance of energy for one, but also that they have an abundance of faith in who they are. If they feel like screaming at the top of their lungs they will do so, without regard to anyone around them. That sense of pure exhilaration and freedom is beautiful. I long to be like that. To unashamedly be who I am with enough belief in the Lord that I am free to delight in any circumstance.

I guess I just don't like change. Don't get me wrong, I love seasons, especially Fall. Football games and sweatshirts and crunchy leaves and bonfires and apples and hiking- I love it all. But I'm realizing that as much as I love to get to the place I've been trying to go to, I get there and find difficulties. I love new things, but I love old things better. I love ways that are tried and true, and changing for me is difficult. However, no one grows if they never change and so here I am, in the midst of the changes of not being a student and trying to live in the real world working two jobs and paying rent and insurance and learning to believe more that God is good. One thing I do know for sure: I will always have enough chapstick.

Prayer

2007-09-26T19:44:00.000-07:00

This is sort of a prayer that I wrote with truths that the Lord has whispered into my heart from time to time; they are things that I need to be reminded of daily. I will probably add more to it as I learn new things and as I It's what I have been reading each morning before I start my day... some days have been rough and others have been amazing, but even still, my God is faithful.

Good Morning Little One,

Keep company with Me today. Walk with Me and work with Me and know that I am El Roi- I see your heart when it longs for something more. I have made you restless for the rest that is in Me. Come be with Me and step by step release the lies that grip your heart. I did not set you free so that you would worry like this; I set you free so that you would delight in Me. I am all that you need, always. I love to hear your laughter and receive your thankful heart. I want you to be well- do you want it too? Ask and you shall receive, child of weakness, let Me be your all in all. Your stubborn heart strives for independence, but do you know the sacrifice made that day on the cross? I conquered death and I will conquer the walls of sin around your heart. You are not too much for Me. I am not ashamed by your messy-ness, in fact, I delight in brokenness and I have called you beautiful- you are My daughter. Don’t shy away from Me, I long to free you from yourself that you may richly enjoy my blessings. Little One, you have my love. You don’t have to pay for it. You didn’t earn it and you can’t deserve it. You only have to open to it to receive it. You are my beloved, come and follow Me this day.

Ragamuffin

2007-09-09T22:19:00.000-07:00

Tonight the walls crashed in. The questions and doubts and fears and shame all spilled over into an unceasing flow of tears. My body literally shook with each breath as I cried out to the Lord for the only thing I knew to ask for: His presence. I had no lofty speech or special revelations; I was even without any semblance of words to throw at the "something" gnawing on my heart. So I just said, "Come Lord Jesus, I need You." And I felt Him smile a sad knowing smile and invite me to nestle my head into His sweet embrace.

If God had a list of hobbies, one would be answering the prayers that He wants me to ask. There's no question about it- He wants me to know my need for Him.

The tears had subsided and I was holding my teddy bear and sipping on some chamomile tea when I picked up my old copy of "The Ragamuffin Gospel"- it just seemed fitting. This is what I found in the beginning pages:

The Ragamuffin Gospel was written with a specific reading audience in mind.
This book is not for the super-spiritual.
It is not for muscular Christians who have made John Wayne and not Jesus their hero.
It is not for academicians who would imprison Jesus in the ivory tower of exegesis.
It is not for noisy, feel-good folks who manipulate Christianity into a naked appeal to emotion.
It is not for hooded mystics who want magic in their religion.
It is not for Alleluia Christians who live only on the mountaintop and have never visited the valley of desolation.
It is not for the fearless and tearless.
It is not for red-hot zealots who boast with the rich young ruler of the gospels: "All these commandments I have kept from my youth."
It is not for the complacent, hoisting over their shoulder a tote-bag of honors, diplomas and good works actually believing they have it made.
It is not for legalists who would rather surrender control of their souls to rules than run the risk of living in union with Jesus...

The Ragamuffin Gospel was written for the bedraggled, beat-up, and burnt-out.
It is for the sorely burdened who are still shifting the heavy suitcase from one hand to the other.
It is for the wobbly and weak-kneed who know they don’t have it altogether and are too proud to accept the handout of amazing grace.
It is for inconsistent, unsteady disciples whose cheese is falling off their cracker.
It is for poor, weak, sinful men and women with hereditary faults and limited talents.
It is for earthen vessels who shuffle along on feet of clay.
It is for the bent and the bruised who feel that their lives are a grave disappointment to God.
It is for smart people who know they are stupid and honest disciples who admit they are scalawags. The Ragamuffin Gospel is a book I wrote for myself and anyone who has grown weary and discouraged along the Way.

As I read every sentence in the "not for" list, I couldn't help but to breathe sighs of relief- deeper with each new concept. Here, in the pages of this book, I did not have to be "super spiritual" and have all the right words. In fact, the book was not even written for someone who was unafraid and shed no tears. How did Brennan Manning know that I wasn't very good at keeping commandments and that I had no list of honors or achievements to revel in?

Before his warm, steamy bath, a mother patiently peels wet and heavy winter clothes off of her child who has been playing in the snow all day. In the same way, a small but heavy burden was lifted as I read and identified with each description of to whom the book was written. Burdened, unsure, weak, inconsistent, unsteady, sinful, bent, bruised, fearful, and tearful. All of those things describe me right now and even just the knowledge that this book was written for somebody like me brings fresh air to my stale concealed heart.

That first section was as far as I got because it was all that I needed to be reminded that it is okay for me to be human. For some reason being on staff with IV makes me put myself through a harder beating than I would give to anyone else. I feel as if the title "staffworker" should magically make me believe more steadfastly in the promises of the Lord. It should make me able to raise all of the money I need before October 1st, and of course, it should make me know how to deal with the spiritual implications of not raising it all.

But the beautiful news of tonight is that no matter how I am called to lead, I am forever and always just a sheep in need of my Shepherd. I am a child of weakness, a disciple, and a servant before I am ever a leader. I fumble and I fail, I question and I cry. How easily does my fragile heart trade hope for despair and trust for unbelief. But the good news of the Gospel is that I am worse than I think. The glorious part is that because I am more needy, messed up, and sinful than I already know, the Cross of my Salvation is also greater than I could ever imagine. C.S. Lewis writes in his book, The Four Loves,

"Grace substitutes a full, childlike and delighted acceptance of our need, a joy in total dependence. The good man is sorry for the sins which have increased his need. He is not entirely sorry for the fresh need they have produced."

My sin; my inadequacy is great, but greater still is my Savior. Brenden Manning says,

"When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games."

... in a word, I am a Ragamuffin.

JMU food thoughts

2007-08-31T19:03:00.001-07:00

You learn things when you are used to living by yourself and you are suddenly forced to coexist with other people. This week, while being an amazing dose of community, has also been an amazing dose of reality. I've discovered that I am a snob about my food. For example, I love yogurt but it has to be the fruit on the bottom kind. None of this "light" nonsense. Who really wants less calories in something that is already healthy for you? Come ON yogurt companies! If the healthy stuff doesn't taste amazing then why on earth would I eat it?! If I want to diet I will stay away from the Oreo's, not try to subtract calories from the only healthy thing I eat. Whatever happened to "a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down"? Kashi cereals have this concept down. I was sold from their very first commercial. The guy starts out by saying, "I hate healthy foods." Heeeey, me too!! But wait, it's a commercial for HEALTH FOODS! That guy goes out searching for health foods that TASTE GOOD- what a concept (and yes, of course he does the commercial and does the food hunting). I have to tell ya, Kashi commercials got me, hook, line, and sinker, and I am delighted to say that they followed through on their promise. I have never experienced a more tasty health food cereal in my life. All it takes is a little bit of sugar- the real kind, not the nasty splenda kind. Way to go Kashi!

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, my food snobbery also shows up in my beverage choices. For example, hot chocolate MUST be Swiss Miss, there is no other brand that even comes close to bringing justice to the name "hot chocolate." Furthermore, a decent cup of hot chocolate entails one and a half packets of mix. One packet is much too watery, and two packets is much too sugary. This will explain the half-full and delicately refolded packets of Swiss Miss that currently occupy my food closet. Lastly, if one is to put whip cream in this steaming cup of sugary goodness, the cream must be placed into the cup after the Swiss Miss has been dumped in and BEFORE the water is poured over it. Cream on the top is just to make it look pretty. Would you rather have hot chocolate that looks pretty or hot chocolate that tastes creamy? Exactly. I've also strengthened my opinions on Oreo's, that if they aren't double stuff they are a waste of calories, as with any kind of cookie/brownie/cake that is made from a mix. (Disclaimer: it is acceptable to make muffins from a mix, but in this case it must be done using the correct brand which creates the correct consistency for a muffin. Muffins should not taste like cupcakes, they should be soft but more rubbery than crummy).

Really, I'm not sure where any of this came from- it has nothing to do with anything spiritual or anything related to raising support. Still, here it is, on my blog, the things I learned about food and myself while I was away at JMU.

JMU... round one

2007-08-28T12:44:00.000-07:00

So I have officially entered the land of hiking hippies... James Madison University. This is a world where using a hairdryer is sinful and wearing makeup on a daily basis is unheard of. Sleep occurs between the hours of 2a.m. and 7a.m. and showers? What are those? The label snobs of JMU do not flaunt their Abercrombie, Hollister, or J.Crew, they flaunt R.E.I. Pajama's aren't needed because work-out clothes can be worn at night as well as all throughout the day. While a typical question at CNU might have been "what time are we meeting to watch Grey's?" the typical question at JMU is "what time are we meeting to go [insert almost any kind of high energy, sweaty activity which include but are not limited to: hiking, swimming, biking, running, and power walking].

I don't think I've ever felt like more of a girlie girl than when I requested to take a shower before going out to breakfast. The literal response was, "why? you're just going to get sweaty later." And it was true. AC is almost as scarce work-out clothes in my closet.

Okay, so while there may be some slight exaggerations to the previous paragraphs, most of it rings true and I have felt a little bit of a culture shock coming from preppy (read: lazy) CNU. However, there have been some fabulous parts of Harrisonburg that have already started to woo my heart.

1. I live in a house that has a front porch complete with a bright orange hammock (always wanted one of those!).

2. The mornings in Harrisonburg just might be my favorite. I love waking up to cool mountain air and sipping tea in a big old mug and reading my Bible on the front porch.

3. We not only have stray cats, we have stray snails. No, not slugs, snails (complete with shell and slime).

4. There is an older lady down the street who consistently wears the same color shirt and shorts. Her van parked in front of her house is always packed as if she lived out of it (I think she may use it like an extra closet for storage). She also feeds the stray cats and picks their fleas off of them.

5. The church I visited on Sunday morning was probably the best most scripturally grounded church I have ever been to in my life. The Sola's hung from a wall behind the podium from which the pastor spoke. The worship of the congregation brought tears to my eyes.

It has been an exhausting and somewhat overwhelming trip for me, and it's not quite over. However, it has also been unbelievably amazing. I can not wait until I am finally able to
move here. The women here are incredible, especially the leaders I've met so far. They are so willing to pour themselves out for the sake of the Gospel and I can't wait to come alongside them in pouring out and pouring into them.

Today CJ told me that I need 20 people to support more at $25 a month and 10 people to support me at $50 a month in order to be able to intern this year. Where will these people come from? I'm not sure. Keep praying kids!

REJOICE!

2007-08-18T18:21:00.000-07:00

So friends, after many tears and trials and moments of extreme neediness, I can finally write to say that I have reached the halfway point in my support raising and have been permitted to visit campus for the very first week of classes!! This is an immense blessing to me for several reasons.

A. It means the struggles of raising support are half way over!
B. I get to escape to JMU for a week to meet the girls I will be living with this year.
C. It will be so refreshing to do the thing I love most about this job: be with college students.

I am so excited to meet new students and be introduced to the chapter at JMU. It is just going to be an incredible week and a much needed reminder of why I am going through this process of raising my support. I get to be a part of their leadership meetings, help with their New Student Outreaches, go to their girls night, and attend their very first large group! On top of that I get to hang out with the girls in the house I'll be living in, and during the days I get to just be with and meet other college students at JMU!

Many of you know what a struggle it has been for me to get to this point and I just want to thank you so very much for all of your support and encouragement as I've wrestled through this. I'm thankful for the opportunity to visit campus during the first, most important week, and I know I owe that to all of you who have faithfully prayed and financially contributed and encouraged me consistently. I can't wait to share stories from the week! In the meantime, be praying for the week I am gone- August 24th-September 1st, that it would be a week of rejuvenation and joy and many experiences of God's faithfulness.

"And now to Him who is able to do EXCEEDINGLY more than all we ask or imagine- to HIM be the glory both now and forevermore."
Amen.

Letter From My Cousin:

2007-08-15T14:32:00.001-07:00

Dear Lindsay,
Here is some money for what you are doing with InterVarsity. I hope you are doing well, and I hope this money helps. I will be praying for you that you will be able to raise all the money you need and that people will come to Christ because of what you are doing. Thank you for what you are doing Lindsay.
Love,
Roger

I love that the people who can't afford to give millions of dollars actually end up giving the most- they give what they have and it is given with such heartfelt sincerity that I am not only touched, but encouraged and reminded to keep pressing on. It is people like my cousin who give out of their tender desire to contribute and be a part of what the Lord is doing, that bless me beyond measure. Yes, raising my support is hard, but I am thankful for these moments of unbelievable blessing.

Something Beautiful

2007-08-13T10:23:00.000-07:00

*Remembering the definition of grace: mercy contrary to merit

*two more anonymous donors (if you are one of them, thank you from the bottom of my heart- seriously.)

*the feeling that I am surrounded by support and encouragement from others

*an anonymous encouraging note in the mail (with a redhead girl on it!)

*beautiful blue flowers that blossom to a yellow streak of sunshine

*knowing I heard Him ask me to follow, and deciding in my heart that I will, no matter where He ends up going.

*driving home on a summer night with the windows down and listening to the sound of the crickets and cicada's

*that though we sometimes receive blessing through our efforts, we never receive it by our efforts or because of them. Grace would cease to be grace if it was given according to earnings or for that matter un-earnings. Grace is not only contrary to merit, but to demerit; it is given solely based on the Sovereign goodness of God without the slightest regard for my behavior.

*getting excited for fall bonfires, sweatshirts, crunchy leaves, hot cider and football games

*"and these are the days of the harvest
the fields are as white in the world,
and we are the laborers in your vineyard
declaring the Word of the Lord."

*this comic strip has been hanging on my refrigerator for about a year now, but this morning is has new meaning. There are two scruffy beggars on the sidewalk, one is standing up holding out a money jar that says "help." The other is sitting inside a cardboard box, holding out a similar jar to collect people's loose change. The guy who is standing up says to the one in the cardboard box, "you're lucky you get to work from home." While I'm not exactly homeless and while fundraising doesn't quite consist of holding out a coin jar, I often feel a lot like the guy in the cardboard box- trapped and needy. It feels like I am just sitting around all day asking people for money and sometimes I get so caught up in what ISN'T happening that I forget to rejoice in what is happening. So even if home is a "cardboard box" so to speak, I am blessed to spend extra time with my family and to have food to eat and a room to call my own. I am blessed beyond measure to have this ministry of raising my support, though it is hard and often way out of my comfort range, I am blessed to be learning dependence and coming to a fuller understanding of grace.

and the last "something beautiful" thought of the day:
*playing fetch with my dog. She doesn't care when I kick the ball incorrectly or when I get sick of playing- she just always wants to catch that ball and bring it right back to my feet. I love her endless excitement.

Yes I Will...

2007-08-06T12:06:00.000-07:00

Yes I Will
In the passion of Your sacrifice
I saw the prophecy fulfilled
The Healer of the world, the wounded Christ
I heard You say, come follow me
So I will, yes I will

Follow You Jesus, all the way up that hill
Follow You Jesus, all the way up that hill
To the cross where the river runs
Crimson even still, yes I will
Follow You Lord, I will

On the sacred path, You bled for us
Scored and broken, up that hill
How terrible the cross, how glorious (how glorious)
I heard You say, come follow me (follow me)
So I will, yes I will

Follow You Jesus, all the way up that hill
Follow You Jesus, all the way up that hill
To the cross where the river runs
Crimson even still, yes I will
Follow You, Lord
I will (I will), yes I will (I will)

In my weakness, when I feel afraid
Hear me Jesus, when I call Your name
Won't You help me Lord, won't You help me Lord
Please help me Lord (please help me Jesus)
Can You help me Lord (please help me Lord)

Follow You Jesus, all the way up that hill
Follow You Jesus, all the way up that hill
(I will follow all the way)
To the cross where the river runs
Crimson even still, yes I will
Follow You, Lord (follow You)
I will (I will follow), yes I will (I will follow You)

Help me Jesus, when I feel afraid

Lord, I will follow you. Though I am weak and though unbelief and fear still plague me, I will follow you with total abandon. Capture my heart, take my hand and lead the way...

Fire

2007-08-04T20:31:00.000-07:00

The fire right above my room- it doubled in size every 30 seconds.

A pile of things they "salvaged" from my room. Anything that wasn't
burned was so damaged by water and ashes that it had to be thrown out.

My water-logged and unreadable journals.

Today, August 4th, is the one year anniversary of my apartment being struck by lightning. It seems so long ago that I can hardly believe it has only been one year. There is A LOT that I don't remember from those first few months after the fire- it all got lost in headaches and insurance paperwork and replacing items. Still, I'm thankful for that lightning bolt. My time with the Lord during those months was so raw and real. He had wounded me, but He wanted to heal me. The very hardest thing to lose was my journals. I had faithfully journaled since 7th grade and in one strike of lightning they all disappeared. But the Lord is faithful. If you depend on one way of communicating with Him, He will inevitably long to teach you a new way. This past year I have learned the great value of praying outloud with other people. In a way it is similar to journaling because you are forced to put words to your thoughts, but where it is greater is that it builds community and fellowship and sometimes even accountability. That is just one example of how the Lord used the fire to take away something "good" that I was clinging to, to give me something more of Himself. During that time I took A LOT of comfort in these verses:

Hosea 6:1
"Come, let us return to the LORD.
He has torn us to pieces
but he will heal us;
he has injured us
but he will bind up our wounds."

Philippians 3:7-9
"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him."

This is the email that I sent out four days after the fire to let everyone know how I was doing. It's amazing for me to read it and realize how true those words turned out to be. There was much anger and tears, but there was much dependence and blessing.

My friends,
I first of all want to apologize for not returning ims and phone
calls as quickly as I would have wanted to. Please know that amidst
the overwhelming paperwork and scurrying around newport news looking
for places to live, each and every phone call has slowed me down for a
minute to just warm my heart with a smile. So thank you for that
precious gift. This email is my lousy attempt to let all of you know
as soon as possible that I am fine; in fact, in surprisingly high
spirits. Yesterday was a big day for me, I had to go to the freeman
center to look through all of the "salvageable" items that the fire
company had boxed up. I was of course, expecting nothing, but Donna
surprised me with 8 boxes and 5 bags full of my things! It was like
Christmas! God just put a tickle in my heart and I was able to be so
overjoyed about the littlest things which I know was such a blessing
to Donna who had worked with grumpy, angry students all day. In the
end I had to throw everything away because it was so badly damaged by
the ashes, water, and fire. But God just gave me this perspective
that it wasn't a loss at all, it was a means for Him to humble me and
bless me. There were three items of significance to me that were very
minimally damaged and that I was able to keep... my gold and diamond
necklace from my Mom, my beautiful green formal dress (it was
untouched because it had a bag around it and was in the back end of
the closet!), and a Lenox mug that a friend gave to me (it was in the
dishwasher so it was safe).

I was reminded this weekend of the song "Indescribable" by Chris
Tomlin. The song has long been used to draw me deeper into the
knowledge and worship of God's strength and power. However, it spoke
to me this time of His Sovereignty. The line that says "who has told
every lightning bolt where it should go?" just silences me. His love
for me is so real that He would send lightning to cause me to push
deeper into His arms. We ask God all the time to "burn the Kingdoms I
have made" and I'm here to tell you that as scared as we get of
letting God do that, there is nothing that has made me more free. He
gets to teach me now to just relax in His goodness and total control.
Of course there will be (and has been) tears and anger along the way,
but I just wanted to share with you those quick stories of how He has
been showing up, speaking Truth and just allowing my heart to trust
Him with everything (ha, cuz everything is not a whole lot, maybe He
figured He'd start small :0P).

In the meantime, everyone keeps asking what I need, and really I
haven't known what to say to that because there's just so much. But I
thought of something today. PRAYERS. I really need specific prayer
in two areas right now. One, that God would give me the grace to
accept as people come running in to help, and to ask when I need more
help. It is so hard for me to let other people buy things for me or
hand me money. I've somehow acquired this awesome skill
of "independence" and worry often about burdening others. But right
now I need to "burden" others because they are all that I have. So
please pray that my heart would soften to allow others to be taking
care of me. Second, that God would ordain rooming situations. I have
decided that the cheapest option for me is to stay in the hotel with
hopes that I will be moved back on campus eventually. However, living
in Madison has made me accustomed to privacy and "my own space" so
pray that either God would transform that desire in me, or that He
would bless it by giving me a good roommate. I'm excited to see what
this year holds, especially as God reveals to me more and more about
what He's been up to with me this summer, but I know that I am me and
the little worries will start to try to creep back so please just pray
against those.

If you want to do more than pray, you can always write to me and
tell me that you are praying for me (insert big cheesy smile here) I
*used to* save all my love letters, but they are all gone now, so feel
free to replenish the stack! Just please make sure you don't send me
firey red cards, or gift certificates for anything BBQ... I've had
about enough crispyness for now! :0P

His,
Lindsay

"Because of the Lord's GREAT LOVE we are not consumed, for His
compassions NEVER fail."
Lamentations 3:22

Effort vs. Mercy

2007-08-01T09:21:00.000-07:00

I am in love. I'm in love with Gerry Bertier and Julius Campbell. I'm in love with Willie Weathers and basically any of those cheesy football movies. There is something about those characters that "pull themselves up by their bootstraps." They tug at my heart. I empathize with their sense of failure and I applaud their courage to keep on even in the face of insurmountable odds. When they have worked hard enough and long enough they always achieve the victory. Isn't this Hollywood's favorite lesson? To quote Elle Woods from Legally Blonde,

"You must always have faith in people. And most importantly, you must always have faith in yourself."

We love to see Gerry and Julius fight out their racial tensions and become self-declared "brothers" who win the football game and transform the town (Remember the Titans). Our hearts beg Willie's girlfriend to give him a second chance, to have more faith in him because he is changing his ways and beginning to look past the divisions of gang membership (Gridiron Gang). Don't get me wrong, having faith in other people and in yourself is a great lesson, but how does this play out in real life? In reality, my problems don't get solved in a two hour time frame with heart-wrenching music playing in the background. At least in my life, the effort I put into something doesn't always correlate with the outcome. In fact, most of the time the outcome doesn't even get seen for a few years.

As Christians, we have been set free from the law as a system of salvation. We are justified by faith in Christ and no longer slaves to the law of effort, but freed unto the grace of God. Our salvation does not ever depend on what we do, and in the same way it can not ever be endangered by what we do or fail to do. Yet we struggle to believe this. In our human minds we equate a right relationship with God with discipline, obedience, ritual, and effort. The battle in our hearts is to think that Jesus came to modify our behavior, to clean up our morals, to make us better people. When will I start to see that making Jesus a behaviorist simply makes Him smaller in my eyes. My depraved heart struggles to see the greatness of God beyond my behavior because I have been taught to believe that effort equals results. But my obedience does not bring about blessing. And that is HARD for me to hear. I want to believe that any success I have is a result of my effort. I want to believe that being obedient and faithful in raising my support will somehow be pleasing enough to the Lord so that He will bless me with the money I need for this ministry. 2 Corinthians 3:4-6 says,

"Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life."

I am not sufficient in and of myself to claim anything as having come from me. Even my obedience in fundraising, even my walk with the Lord, even my limited knowledge of mercy. For He has called me OUT of the life of bondage of living by the letter of the law and its demands. And He has called me to live and walk by the Spirit for the glory of His name and not my own.

"Then what becomes of our boasting? IT IS EXCLUDED. By what kind of law? By a law of works? No, but by the law of faith. For we hold that one is justified by faith apart from works of the law." Romans 3:27-28

Many times in my life the Lord chooses to keep me from successes to remind me of His Sovereignty and to completely undercut any tendencies toward boasting and pride. I cannot look at my daily efforts to raise support and say "look what I have done." That thought is excluded because my faith is not in myself and my ability but in the Lord. And in the same way, there is absolutely no room for me to say, "this isn't fair! Everyone else has reached their fundraising goals and now I am behind." The LAST thing I want from a Holy God is justice. If I am not experiencing the utter wrath and curses of God then I am experiencing God's mercy! Praise God that it's not fair! Praise God that I am not getting what I deserve! Because what I deserve is eternal separation from Him and punishment for my totally depraved heart. In this way, my envy of others who are further along than I am in raising their support is a form of pride. It is me saying that I deserve more than I have. But every inclination of my heart is only evil all the time (Genesis 6:5). I am in love with Gerry, Julius, and Willie because my heart longs to be that person that tirelessly works hard to rise above failure and get the glory that is deserved. But I pray that the Lord would change my heart. That my fears may be stilled and my strivings would cease so I would rest and delight in His glory. It does not depend on my effort. It depends on His mercy.

"Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness." Psalm 115:1

New Mercies

2007-07-26T18:28:00.000-07:00

I think the initial romance of raising support has worn off. I am now at the stage where if I slow down long enough I want to either throw-up or cry. When did this shift occur? It's hard to say. Maybe it started early on as I pieced together my dream of being on campus on time. Maybe it's sinking in more as the "back to school" stuff is being put out at Target. Maybe it started the first day I raised zero support. Maybe it started with the first "no" I received. Maybe I'm just low on motivation.

The reality is that I've raised 32% of my support and that is a lot. It just isn't enough when my Area Director says I have to be at 87% before August 15th.

And so with an anxious and heavy heart I turned to Scripture for encouragement. I was reminded of the passage in Matthew 20 of the laborers in the vineyard. Picture this. Early in the morning, a street corner filled with people in need of a job. A master of a house who seeks them out to work in his fields. Coffee cups get tossed aside as they eagerly accept the offer and go into the vineyards- proud of their job and anticipating their pay. Throughout the morning as others join them they are glad for the extra help and company. Lunch time comes and the sun is high, beating down mercilessly on already aching bodies. Yet the workers press on, faithful to earn their reward.

The master of the house continues to search the streets and as he finds more and more in need of a job he calls them to work in his fields. An hour before the workday ends he finds a group of workers still standing on the street. After finding out that no one had hired them all day long, the master had compassion on them and sent them to work the last hour in his fields.

When the day is over the master calls for all of the workers to be paid beginning with the last, up to the first. Scripture says it better,

And when those hired about the eleventh hour came, each of them received a denarius. Now when those hired first came, they thought they would receive more, but each of them also received a denarius. And on receiving it they grumbled at the master of the house, saying, "these last worked only one hour, and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the day and the scorching heat." But he replied to them, "Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Did you not agree with me for a denarius? Take what belongs to you and go. I choose to give to this last worker as I give to you. Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity? So the last will be first and the first last."
Matthew 20:9-16

This is where my petty complaints and whining come to an end. How many times have I looked at another intern and been jealous of their higher percentage, their amazing donors, or even their own satisfaction in their work? How many times have I thought that my "harder" struggles should result in higher reward? But this passage smacks me in the face with God's goodness and Sovereignty. He's saying, "Calm down Linds! Take what belongs to you and go be satisfied with it and with all that I am. I measure the faith of each one (Romans 12:3) and am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Do not begrudge my generosity for I have been generous to you as well."

Every time I am tempted to say "it's not fair" and start complaining based on my comparisons to others, I am reminded of something my staff worker once said:

"The LAST thing you want from a Holy God is justice."

And it's true. The beauty of grace is that it makes life unfair. God is not mocked. He is a God of justice but He is also a God of mercy. Romans 9:15-16 says,

"For He says to Moses, 'I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.' So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy."

At first glance this verse is kind of a slap in the face. It tells me that it doesn't matter how pretty my letter looks or how many hours I spend praying over them and organizing them and sending them out to potential donors. The only thing that matters is that in the end if I am to go on staff it will be because of the Mercy of God. It won't be because of my effort, and it won't be because I did a better job of fundraising than some other interns. No, it will be solely to the praise and glory of God's mercy and transforming power.

I have been learning this same lesson for awhile now and it has started to play out in a different way. Not only does it apply to my work as an intern trying to raise support, but it applies to my view of my struggles compared to others. Because I have had to deal with a lot of pain and struggles in my life I am used to hearing things like "anyone God uses significantly is always deeply wounded" and "the lesson is in the struggle not in the victory". But while those statements comfort me in times of struggling, I think they may actually do more harm than good when I encounter someone who is blessed to not have to struggle as much as I do. That thought of significance in struggles has cultivated in my heart a sense of pride almost- that God has loved me enough to give me hardships. And it is true, suffering is a part of how we relate to Christ. However, there are people that the Lord has blessed to not have major struggles as a part of their daily lives and who am I to discount the strength of their walk because of that? Does He not have mercy on whom He has mercy? Am I really going to begrudge His generosity?

I don't understand why God is the way He is, and why He chooses to reveal Himself differently in each person's life. But for today I am thankful for my struggles that show me more of who He is, and I am also thankful for those in my life who do not struggle as much as I do. Those who I can invite into my struggles so they may share my burdens, and those that I can learn from and rejoice with in both good and hard times. It all belongs to the Lord. He is always good, and His mercies are new every morning.

Monday

2007-07-23T17:19:00.001-07:00

It's been a long day. I woke up this morning with a migraine headache that had also tormented me through the night. A quick look in the mirror showed zits still alive and well and my vacation tan disappearing. Any thoughts I had of wearing clothes today were apparently un-necessary. The laundry doesn't wash itself. So I stumbled downstairs still in my pajamas and let out a long grumble towards the mountain of paperwork waiting for me. I checked my cell phone to see I had already missed 5 calls and it was only 9:17a.m. I opened my email to see 21 messages waiting for me- ones that hadn't been there when I turned off my computer at 2:30a.m. the night before.

Oh Monday.

As I sorted through the paperwork and emails I discovered that I was denied health insurance yet again, leaving me still uninsured and utterly frustrated with the entire system. Basically they are telling me I am too sick to have health insurance. Gotta love America.

But then the tide shifted.

As I listened to my voice messages, two of them stuck out to me. One was from my Area Director telling me he thought I had been recording my donors incorrectly and that I was at a much higher percent than I thought. And the next message was from my cousin asking if she could become a donor. Both messages were good news and just the lift I needed to get working hard today.

So I called my Area Director and he was able to walk me through each donor and how to enter it into our system. When we were finished I realized that I am at a percentage that is more than double what I originally thought. I still have a long long way to go before I'm allowed to be on campus, but seeing the huge gap fill in just a little bit gave me so much encouragement. I can not wait to start hanging out with those JMU kids and I love that I am that much closer to getting there. I was thrilled by this news and encouraged to dig deeper into the work I am doing now so that hopefully that gap will continue to close more and more. There was just one detail that was left uncertain and as I worked I became anxious about that detail and how I would have to overcome it. But just now as my day ended I checked back with my Area Director and with my account and discovered that it had been taken care of- I didn't have to do anything after all. Praise the Lord that He cares about the tiniest details of our life, even when they give us un-necessary anxiety. It's been a long day and I am exhausted and there are some things like insurance that have not worked themselves out, but coming back to my account and seeing that one detail taken care of reminded me that God is bigger. There's a country song that I was
reminded of tonight that says,

"You've got someone here
Wants to make it all right
Someone that loves you more
Than life right here
You've got willing arms that'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here
I know your heart can get
All tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me"

What a sweet reminder that the Lord knows what I need and longs to provide it. He will accomplish for us all that He asks of us. He is bigger than migraines and insurance and fund raising. He doesn't care that the laundry is not done and that I have so much paperwork still to tackle. He wants my heart, He knows my heart, and more than that He delights in my heart. What a great way to end the day.

Just Me

2007-07-14T19:13:00.000-07:00

"She is stubborn,
she is romantic,
and a little too loyal for her own good.
She loves to laugh but you have to let her; free her from herself.
She is passionate,
she leads well,
but her heart is fragile.
Treasure her love and you will make her world."

This One's For the Girls...

2007-07-14T10:04:00.001-07:00

I woke up this morning thinking of a few points made by John Piper in His "Challenge to Women." He challenges us to be devoted to the glory of God; to trust the promises of Christ so fully that His joy and strength can't help but to overflow from our lives. That sounds like a beautiful woman to me, and I long to be her. But somehow I always fall short. My tendency is to do work for the Lord instead of doing work with the Lord. There's a Big Daddy Weave song that speaks against this saying,

"My dilemma is an issue of the heart, when I try to live for you without you."

I think a lot of times as women we disregard the state of being with the Lord so that we can focus more on our results. But the truth is that we can not produce good fruit without disciplining our own hearts to be still before the Lord. It is there in His presence that we are able to soak up His character. Aren't we called to love the things that Jesus loves? He loves the Church, He loves people, Scripture, prayer; and He loves the character of God.

Proverbs 4:23 tells us to guard our hearts above all else, for it is the wellspring of life. I think as women we often use this verse to help us in our "plight of singleness." We use it to ward off men and sometimes we even use it to challenge the men in our lives, saying things like "you have to help me guard my heart" etc. And I do think this verse applies to guarding our hearts against emotional damage that can come from relationships. However, this past week being at the shore with the beach, the sound, a pool, and a hot tub, there is a certain language that has risen up in my heart dealing with water (shocker). And the concept of the heart being a "wellspring of life" has struck me in a new way. Earlier I blogged about the passage in John 4 where Jesus tells us that the water He gives will become in us a spring of water welling up to eternal life. To me that is a beautiful promise. Not only does it promise satisfaction and eternal life for our own hearts but I think it also describes an overabundance that we might share this eternal life with others.

As women, we are physically designed to bear life in our bodies. But I think it is just as true that our hearts also long to give life. We love to talk about our feelings and know the struggles and joys of those we love. We take joy in practicing acts of love towards our friends and family because it is a refreshment to their lives and a glory to our Father in heaven. We have small groups, accountability groups, and best friends because we desire to point each other's hearts back to the life that is in Christ. But what would it look like if we trusted the promises of the Lord so fully that we not only had an abundance of life for ourselves but for others as well? A lot of times we try to offer life out of our own selves, but we end up discouraged and more empty than before because there is not life in that. But there is a "wellspring of life" in Christ. The challenge I want for myself is to be the kind of woman that dwells in that wellspring because she knows that is her only source of life for her own heart and for others. Andrew Peterson sings a song about a family that

"walked in the rain of His mercy-
let it soak them down to bones.
They'd dance in its rivers and splash in its streams as they'd go."

Girls, let's be the kind of people who walk daily in the rain of God's mercy because our hearts fully trust in its life. And let's allow ourselves to be so satisfied that we can't help but to dance and splash and invite others to join us.

Vacation

2007-07-10T15:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my first real day of vacation. Ever. In my life. At some point over Christmas break my mom and I realized that our family had never actually taken a "family vacation." Sure we've been down the shore and we used to go to Camp-of-the-Woods for a few weeks when we were little, but we had always gone on vacation with the express purpose of taking care of other individuals in our extended family. We had never gone away just us, just because.

So we sat down and figured out a way to cut back costs (eat out less, don't buy bottled water, etc.) and we saved up and rented a house in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I've always wanted to go to the Outer Banks- all those people with OBX bumper stickers on their car- and I wanted to be part of the cool kids club.

It's official. I've now seen why they are in love with this place, and I have fallen as well.

Our house is off the hook. No joke. There is a pool in the backyard, a hot tub, and we're two blocks from the Ocean. I don't know why I bothered to bring clothes, all you need here is a swimsuit for the day and pajama's at night. I didn't realize real vacation was this amazing. I'm used to waking up at 6:30a.m. by hyper little cousins and their smelly dogs that need to go for a walk. I'm used to four of us in a room, sleeping bags on the floor, no A.C. and a shower if you get lucky. I'm used to having to sit around the breakfast table until 11:30 when everyone was finally finished with breakfast, and then aching to go to the beach but having to prepare a packed lunch first. And then we'd have to leave the beach by 5:30 because goodness knows we need a five course dinner.

Vacation? No I've never really had one. This one tops the charts and may have spoiled every day life from now on. Both mornings that I've been here I've been up with the sun because I know I can take a nap later if I want to. I make coffee and slip outside to watch the sunrise over the Sound. Then it's downstairs to the pool. There are two benches that are built into the side of the pool so that I can sit in the water but still sip my coffee. I just sit there and talk to Jesus and admire the morning He created. Then I usually have an hour or so of swimming and floating around in the pool before anyone else is up. Then for the rest of the day it's laying out with a good book, tackling my brother underwater, body surfing at the beach, or anything else relaxing and fun. Nights are great because we all get showered and either go out for dinner or go out for ice cream. My family is ridiculously quirky and I love to spend time being goofy with them when we are all relaxed and just enjoying life. So this is what normal families have every summer! Note to self: do this again.

My favorite part of the day is the morning. I love getting up to watch the sun, I love coffee, and I love the water. Ever since I was little I loved the water. Rivers, lakes, pools, even showers. Although I must admit I am a pool pee-er. If they ever actually did invent that purple dye to stain the water whenever someone peed, I'd be caught like a fat man at an all you can eat bar. It should follow that one who loves the water also likes to drink water. It happens man. Those public pools always have those signs up asking you to uh, use the restroom, but I was never one to obey rules just for rules sake anyway. The only sign that came close to swaying me was obviously created by a strong-willed, very visual person. The sign said,

"We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool."

The image of everyone swimming around in a toilet was almost enough to make me change my ways, but alas, old habits die hard.

I swam so much when I was little that my dad used to call me his "little mermaid" (which I'm sure every dad calls his little girl) and I loved it because I had red hair just like Ariel. My grandmother's neighbors had a pool that they let us use when we were little and I would stay in that water until I was pulled out. I distinctly remember my dad convincing me on several occasions that blue lips, wrinkled fingers, and the moonlight were all signs that the day of swimming was over. But that was okay with me because I knew that the sooner I got out of the chlorine the sooner I'd get home for my bath. I did not discriminate against water. This caused a problem as I got old enough to shower because I would take a good half an hour in there- not necessarily washing, just standing and enjoying the water. Let's just say my family didn't quite have the same appreciation for long showers as I did. In high school I would often run to the river and just sit there for hours enjoying the peaceful waves lapping up on the shore. And thank goodness for Lion's Bridge in college. The river, the flowers, the birds, the trees; the place was often my sanctuary.

This morning as I was swimming with the morning sun I was reminded of the verses in John 7:37-38

On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'"

Jesus calls to anyone who thirsts. As He was talking with the Samaritan woman at the well He tells her that,

"Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:13-14

Not only does He beckon us to come, but He promises to quench our thirst and provide a spring of living water to flow from our hearts. This morning it wasn't the abundant life or even the satisfaction of never thirsting again that struck my heart, it was the invitation to come.

Life has been so busy lately. I moved home from school in mid June and the craziness began. There were weddings and funerals and family members in the hospital, not to mention raising support and spending ten days in Wisconsin for training. Somehow when my life gets busy I click into survival mode. My relationship with the Lord becomes like a fast food restaurant; I drive by and get what I need to keep going. But why do I settle for just the bare minimum when I have this beautiful invitation to "Come." He is the God of the Universe and I ask for a parking space.

But something was different this morning. I was floating along in the water just spending some time with the Lord and thanking Him for this time of rest. He reminded me that this is what it's like to just be with Him- to rest in His heart and not just the blessings of His hand. He invites me into rest with Him on a daily basis and I shouldn't need a vacation just to remind me of that (although I'm still thankful that He uses vacation!). There are so many times when I think the solution to my problems is to escape, and sometimes it is good to get away for awhile, but most of the time I need more of Jesus more than I need less of other things. He is the one who puts a spring of living water in my heart. He is the one who invites me to rest and who invites me to be a part of His work. There is joy in being cleansed with the water and there is joy in His waves of mercy.

Hope

2007-07-04T07:48:00.000-07:00

"Pray for an advocate" they told as at ONS. "An advocate is someone who can speak on your behalf, who has influence and knows and believes in you and your work with InterVarsity."

As Natalia went on to talk about her advocate and the ways he encouraged her during her down times and motivated her to want to do her fundraising when she wasn't feeling up to it, I thought it all sounded too good to be true. Advocate? That sounds like someone who is more dedicated to my ministry them I am. I seriously doubt that is possibly, especially with my "do-it-herself" and "Miss Independence" nature. Even still, having someone who could be a strong supporter, someone who could speak on my behalf to potential donors, sounded fabulous.

"Dear Jesus, I don't exactly know, but I think I want one of those. I'm tired on my own, would you give me that kind of encouragement as I struggle through this time of raising my support?"

That's the prayer I said last night as I was falling asleep. It had been a long busy day of little productivity, and still my percent raised was at a stand still. What am I doing wrong? If You can provide these one time gifts, can you also please provide actual partners who are just as excited about this ministry as I am, and who want to contribute financially as well as emotionally and prayerfully. I can't do it on my own- raise funds, or go to campus, and I need to start intentionally making myself let others take care of me when they offer.

After brainstorming some potential "IV advocates" at ONS, I was completely disheartened to come home and find a letter from an individual on my brainstorm list, asking to be removed from my mailing list. I was anticipating this person's wild enthusiasm and returned to find dead nonchalance. "Okay Lord, but You have to be bigger."

Talking with my Dad this morning over the breakfast table, He reminded me of the greatness of the Lord and even the struggle of the saints in the Bible. There is no other man in this world that knows exactly when I need to cry a few tears and just hear solid truth and encouragement. He reminded me that I have stepped out in faith, and that although it is a beautiful thing, it does not come without days of worry or times of tears. He brought me to Hebrews 11 reminding me that "Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." It all sounds pretty until you dig a little deeper and discover that to hope for something is to "groan together in the pains of childbirth" [Romans 8:22], and to have a conviction over something that is not seen is to struggle and wait for it with patience, "for who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience" [Romans 8:24-25]. Patience? Groaning? Yep, that all sounds like me as I journey through this time of support raising. Bear with me as I bring in more scripture, but right now it is healing for my heart to be writing all of this and to be learning this scripture as I write it out.

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
Romans 5:1-5

Sufferings, character, hope, brokenness. Thank goodness God has seen fit to abundantly pour his love into my heart through the Holy Spirit. Thank goodness that "we have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." A hope that "enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf" (Hebrews 6:19-20). Hope is not a new thing. It's not a struggle foreign to anyone not on staff. Our hope can be anchored in the Lord, firm and secure, because He has gone before us. He has prepared the way and it is Him who has called us into this ministry field.

Maybe all that I've to do was done a long time ago on that bloody cross. There was LIFE before my life, there was MINISTRY before my ministry, there was PROVISION even before I had need. For the sake of my future students, my donors, my family, and myself, I thank the LORD that the Truth is not contingent on my ability to believe it or preach it. He is El Roi- the God who sees me, and He is Jehovah Jireh- God my Provider. May I rest in that today.

Saved By Grace

2007-07-02T13:47:00.001-07:00

There is a song I was struck by the other night as I was driving home. I've heard it before I just never fully understood the lyrics. In this song, entitled "Undo" by Rush of Fools, they sing:

"To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be"

And I was just thinking how bold it is for them to come straight out and proclaim to the world that not only are they hypocrites, but the disease of hypocrisy is ingrained in their very character. Hypocrisy is something I've tried my entire life to avoid. I've seen it enough in the Church that I never wanted it to be true of myself. But I think the truth is that anyone who tries to make a stand for anything will inevitably be a hypocrite. We can not live perfect lives but better yet, we weren't called to live perfect lives! Isn't that what Christianity is about? The fact that we cannot live a life of righteousness but that Jesus Christ lived it in our place. The theologian Charles Spurgeon once said,

"if your sin is small then your savior will be small also. But if your sin is great then your savior must be great."

As Christians we must learn to admit that our sin is great. To say we are free from hypocrisy would be hypocritical. We have got to be honest, because honesty in our sin shows a deep belief in the greatness of our God to overcome it.

I had the lyrics of this song up on my away message one night and a friend responded with this statement:

"To label you a daughter of the King would be only scratching the surface of who you've been saved by grace to be."

What encouraging truth! That as Christian men and women we are daughters and sons of the Most High God and as such, we are free to admit who we really are because He has saved us by His grace for His glory and our benefit.

Men of the Master

2007-06-26T07:24:00.000-07:00

My brother attends a Christian camp every summer called Deerfoot Lodge, located in the Adirondack Mountains of upstate New York. Every month during the year he also receives a newsletter from Deerfoot that is addressed to “Men of the Master.” I love that phrase. It describes men who love the Lord and serve Him as Master. I have been blessed and privileged to encounter several of those men here in Wisconsin. These are men that are unashamed of their love for Him and bear His image in the midst of their own brokenness. I am drawn to the Holy Spirit in them and I always come away encouraged. Godliness is such an attractive quality, but it's a kind of quality that pushes me away from depending on them to wanting to grow deeper in my own walk with the Lord. Yet it is such a blessing to have them walk beside me. Men that love the Lord have a slice of God’s glory within them that is foreign to me as a woman. And I think that in the same sense, women have a slice of the glory of the Lord within them that is different than what the men have. Romans chapter 12:9-13 says,

“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.”

This passage just reminds me that we are to be brothers and sisters in Christ, striving to show honor to one another in the name of the Lord. Because I am a girl I am used to living within the context of women and seeing the ways that they love the Lord, but there’s something that stands out to me when men genuinely love the Lord and “contribute to the needs of the saints” no matter what others say or think. These men are hard to come by, because even in our Christian circles there is a lot of temptation for men to compete with one another or to just stay in comfortable silence. But something in my heart just melts when I see "men of the Master" that go beyond just their duties and fully embody the power of the Gospel in their lives. There is a sense of Biblical manhood that these men are grounded in. They have a certain strength about them that comforts me and inspires me to run harder towards my Master.

It is the Lord Christ you are serving

2007-06-26T06:52:00.000-07:00

More thoughts on stubbornness:

I forgot to mention in yesterday’s post that the reason I was thinking through all that is because InterVarsity likes to impose lots of rules and structures. A lot of these are good and I have learned to see the value in them and have intentionally tried to invite the Holy Spirit to soften my heart towards these structures. Even still my heart is sinful and rebellious. There was a point this week when we were being asked to participate in something that to me, felt like a waste of time. I was anxious and starting to verbally complain when the Spirit began to prick my own spirit that I needed to bend my heart. So I went away for a little bit and spent some time in the Lord’s presence. I love that He lets me come to Him just as I am- with all of my anxiety and strong-willed thinking. I was telling Him how I didn’t want to do this activity and that I didn’t even like it or the person asking me to do it, and He interrupted me and just said, “but Linds, you love ME.” He said it so lovingly and so simply and I was humbled. He was calling me to obedience simply because of His character and my love for Him. He has called me to InterVarsity not for the sake of InterVarsity, but for the sake of His name and glory. And as a result, I am free to obey the structures because it is ultimately the Lord that I am serving. I was reminded of Derek Webb’s live album entitled “House Show” where he takes a moment to tell us,

“all the behavior modification in the world will never change your heart, but Jesus however, he does change our hearts.”

It’s so true. Jesus is slowly and gently changing my rebellious heart and pulling me into a deeper love for Him. I wrote this verse on the back of my nametag so I would be daily reminded of my submission to the Lord above all else:

“Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” Colossians 3:22-24

Amen. It is the Lord Christ I am serving- may it always be.

Wrestling

2007-06-24T21:00:00.000-07:00

I’ve been learning quite a few things here in Wisconsin this week; probably none of them having to do with what is being taught. But as we end these last few days of Orientation for New Staff, I’m going to try to post the things I’ve been processing.

I like structure. My own structure. I do not like being asked to conform to someone else’s rules unless I deeply respect the person who is asking. This is a problem, especially being involved in a highly structured organization like InterVarsity. There are some rules and traditions that I don’t agree with and I find myself wondering why everyone else just seems to blindly follow them. Cynthia Tobias, a learning styles expert and a favorite author of mine says,

“It can be said that we use our strong wills almost as often as we breathe. It is so deeply ingrained in us we often struggle to understand why everyone doesn’t share the depth and strength of our convictions.”

Although she uses pretty words like “depth” and “strength of conviction”, to anyone else my strong will looks like rebellion and stubbornness. The fact that I will fight to the death before surrendering my hard-won independence is lost on many well-meaning authority figures in my life. I look normal. I look obedient. They all too quickly realize that if they want my obedience they have to fight hard to win my respect. There are probably only three people in my life who have earned the right to demand my utter obedience at any moment- my dad, my pastor, and my God. My dad has the gentlest heart of anyone I know- His graciousness and generosity won my heart from day one. He is still the only guy I know that can bring me to tears as I am reminded of the depth of his character. My pastor, who used to be my staff worker, fought through two years of my doubting and resistance before I trusted him and submitted to his leadership. His own strong-will and absolute devotion to the Lord gave me a model for my own walk. Then there’s the Lord, who is the only one who will ever understand me completely. He loves my tears, giggles, struggles, and even strong-will, more than anyone I know. It is because of His indelible grace even in the midst of my total depravity that draws my heart to Him. My independent and rebellious heart fights Him on many things, but in the end I can do nothing but bow before His throne in reverence. I am thankful that He allows me to wrestle with Him, and I am even more thankful that He always wins.

God is good

2007-06-12T07:26:00.001-07:00

I searched the Fund Development Manual up and down. There is no section called “what to say when someone receives your letter on the day their spouse dies but they still want to talk to you and support you.” I was literally headed out the door to meet my friend Evan at Panera and then go to Busch Gardens for a mindless day of screaming on roller coasters (they actually make me laugh more than they make me scream, but that's another story). I checked the weather one last time, grabbed my wallet, and started to reach for the door when my cell phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize so I let it go. And then I kicked myself, realizing that of course I'd be getting calls from numbers I don't recognize because I put my number on my staff letter. With a silent vow to be more professional and pick up all calls from now on, I punched in the password for my voicemail. It was a message that shook me to the core and something I will always remember as proof of God's sweet Sovereignty and intimate Grace. It was a message from an old friend of the family saying that she received my letter on the day her husband had passed away but she was so touched to receive my letter and be reminded that the work of the Lord was continuing in other aspects and different areas. She wanted to support me. My first thought was, who reads their mail on the day the their spouse dies? And secondly, who but someone filled with the Holy Spirit would decide to give financial support, even in the midst of facing leftover medical bills, hospital bills, funeral costs, and the distinct knowledge that at age 60 she would have to support herself for the rest of her life.

Now, I need to explain to you a little bit about her husband Bert. As a boy he grew up with a deep love for both swimming and painting. One afternoon at age 15, he dove off a dock and accidentally landed in shallow water. The result was a spinal cord injury and total paralysis from the neck down. He would spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. As time passed there was some physical improvement in the use of his arms and trunk balance, but not the use of legs or fingers. During this time Bert learned how to strap a pen or paint brush into the palm of his hand so he could write or paint, and he was able to re-discover his childhood talent. The above picture is the very first one he painted after his accident. The sad clown perfectly captures his attitude. He was so funny and full of life before the accident, and though tragic and hard, the accident only subdued his smile. He continued in his art work, met his wife, Marlene (who was working with Young Life Special Education) , and continued in deep love for the Lord despite his many hardships. Marlene and Bert were an amazing team, though Bert needed constant supervision and help with even the smallest activities. To get the phone call from Marlene that he had passed away was such a shock to me. As she said herself during the memorial, "everyone always says 'Bert and Marlene' and now it's just 'Marlene' and I feel as if a part of myself is missing." I quickly scribbled down a line from the song that was sung as the mourners walked into the memorial service... "Be at rest for the Lord has been good." God is good. That was the premise of this memorial service? Here is the death of an amazing woman's husband, the loss of a son, the loss of a friend and example to many, but wait a minute, we're supposed to say, "hallelujah, God is good"?

Lately I've been coming to terms with the fact that God's glory doesn't always look like what I think it should look like. I would think He'd want to show off His goodness in flowers and cotton candy and shiny pretty things. And He does, but for the most part He chooses what is foolish in this world. He shows His goodness through things like fires, paralysis, and broken hearts. As Robin Wells says,

"God's grace is undeserved. Whatever He calls us to, and whatever He brings into our lives, the good is more than we deserve and the hardships are less."

It just doesn't make sense sometimes. How do we grapple with a God who will take away good things so that He will get more glory? Isn't that selfish? Jonathan Edwards tells us that His own glory is not a dignity too great for Him, moreover, "it is fit that His will should take place, though contrary to the will of all other beings; that He should make Himself His own end; and order all things for Himself." As I think about it more and more, any being that didn't demand His own glory as a natural outflow of His character would not be worthy of my worship. And through Bert's life and even through His death, the glory of the Lord was revealed as he learned to live through his handicap and as he continually shared joy with others. I love that his wife wants to support me because I am thoroughly looking forward to building a deeper relationship with her and learning more from her about the sacrifices she made and the life that she and her husband lived for the glory of the Lord. The night Bert passed away one of his friends wrote this song:

"A man once wheeled himself along these sanctuary aisles
And sang in richest tones of our God's grace
Though his limbs had long since turned from tool to trials
He fixed His eyes and ran the race

And now somewhere beyond this Earth he stands before a throne
And sings a song of never-ending praise
With arms raised to the God who carried him when strength was gone
Bert runs in Heaven, home at last, today."

After knowing his life, after knowing his struggles, after knowing his death, I really can say, "God is good." His goodness doesn't always look exactly the way I think it should, but it is there all the same. As I continue towards this dream of going on staff, I am thankful for the provision of supporters whose lives are so deeply wounded by the hand of the Lord that they have been privileged to see and to know that His mercies are new every single morning. They know what it is to hurt and they know what it is to rely completely on the compassion of the Lord. I want to understand with them that, "though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love" (Lamentations 3:32).

This last quote is from a book called, "A Severe Mercy", that describes the beauty and difficulty of God Sovereignty. This specific poem from the book is a reminder that God is great, His faithfulness is great, and that He is everything we need in this world.

"If everything is lost, thanks be to God
If I must see it go, watch it go,
watch it fade away, die
Thanks be to God that He is all I have
And if I have Him not, I have nothing at all
If all is lost, thanks be to God
For He is He, and I, I am only I."

Intent Cards

2007-06-06T13:22:00.001-07:00

Along with my letter for IV I also sent each person two things. One, a business reply envelope that can be sent to IV headquartes with a donation. And two, an "intent" card to be sent back to me that would indicate how they are supporting me(prayer, money, etc.) or if they want to be taken off my mailing list.

Today I got my first two intent cards back. The first one was from an old friend of the family- he very neatly printed his name and then double checked the box that said "please take me off your list" and added a few exclamation points to the end of that sentence. In the space left open for an email address, this family friend wrote "Do not have one- I am 83 years old." I just laughed out loud and thanked the Lord for honest people. I mean if you're going to say no, you might as well say no with an emphasis!

My second intent card was from another old friend of the family. He also very neatly printed his name and then wrote that he would like to pray regularly for me and support me with $10 a month. This gift just melted my heart. Here is an old man (probably 83 or even older) who lives by himself and doesn't have a whole lot of money but has a generous heart that delights in sharing. It probably made his day to get a letter in the mail that wasn't a bill or some presorted advertising flyer. That's the kind of people I want to partner with in this ministry. People that I can bless through sharing with them how the Lord is working and people that can bless me through supporting me.

I love old people. I love the mean and bitter ones because I feel like they have a right to be that way, but I also love the kind-hearted ones that don't have to be kind to you but do it because it's in their nature. I hope when I'm 83 I will be the kind that gives away what little I have. Especially because in this moment I've never been more grateful for $10 a month.

Enough-ness

2007-06-04T09:04:00.000-07:00

Enough. That word is the source of my heart’s deepest wound and greatest struggles. Are you enough? Am I enough? Will there be enough? I would have been that disciple that declared to Jesus “Send the crowds away… we have here only five loaves of bread and two fish” (Matthew 14). Jesus, there is not enough, send the people away.

And if I wasn’t a disciple then I would have been one of the families that I’m sure left before the miracle was performed. I would have realized it was dinner time, and seeing that the disciples did not have enough for everyone, I would have gathered my children and left. Come on kids, there’s not enough here, we’ll go find our own supper. I wonder if anyone did that. And I wonder if Jesus saw them leave, His heart saddened by their lack of trust in His enough-ness. They didn’t trust that His teaching was worth an empty stomach, and their hearts weren’t secure enough to dream that maybe He would see their need for food and provide enough for them. They missed a miracle. And really, Scripture does not tell us that there were a few families who snuck off instead of waiting there until Jesus fed them, but I just know that if the feeding of the 5,000 happened at CNU, I would have been the kid that left, skeptical and independent, before the miracle even occurred.

As I think about fundraising and how much I have to raise and the struggles that I am going through and inevitably will hit, I return to my heart's favorite question. "Will You be enough?" Are You really sure You can handle me? I'm going to be scared and messy and confused, are You really bigger, are You really everything I'll ever need?

The other day I took one of my last trips to Lion's Bridge, my sanctuary from life since freshman year. I was sitting on my favorite tree by the river realizing that this place has held four years of boys, leadership, studying for tests, relaxing, pictures with my favorites, sunsets, and time with the Lord. I was watching two heron fly over the water, just fifteen feet in front of me and I wondered how there could be a place better than this- so rich in beauty and memories and security. And I was thinking about staff and how I will have to move home in a few days and then move to JMU next year and then Lord willing, move on to a permanent placement. And it all seemed like so much uncertainty and my heart asked again, "Lord, will You be enough?" And he answered me through one of my favorite songs, Still Voices, by P.W.Gopal. In the song, a girl named Mary asks the same question and the response is,

"Mary, you can't keep this up.
Would you sit still?
And let me whisper you My will.
My still voice, it begs...
"I’ll hold you, love you, I am your Daddy, Mary
I’ll lead you, dance so close to you, just call me Daddy
I made you, kept you, I am your Portion
I’ll hold you, love you, I am your Daddy
…I am your Daddy"

That day sitting on the tree by the river, I heard God sigh and say, "Linds, seriously? I have rescued you so many times before, please just believe I WILL do it again. You can't keep questioning me. I am faithful and you know it, won't you please just rest in that knowledge? When will you stop clamoring and just sit still to hear the comfort of my gentle whisper? Quit trying to be independent, do not be too prideful to let me in, because I am your Portion."

And all I can say in response to that is Hallelujah that my God is big enough to know me better than I know myself and speak to me in the depths of my greatest fear and greatest sin. And He does not speak with condemnation, no, He speaks with a longing to set me free from the bondage I create for myself. If that is not "enough" then I have no hope. But it is MORE than enough, in all things. And THAT is love. And love so amazing, so divine, DEMANDS my soul, my life, my all.

Mountain

2007-05-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

So today I realized that in order to be on campus when I want to, I will need to have raised $35,000 by August 15th. That's a month and a half. Talk about a mountain. My Pop-Pop used to say "trust God to move your mountain but keep on digging." Boy is that true here. He has to move in order for this mountain to even budge, but you bet your britches I gotta keep on digging. Two days ago I finally sent out my first letter. It was edited, revised, perfected, then printed. I had to spring for the color copies... it just looks so much nicer. When the letter was finally sitting in my hands, I had to actually find addresses for people I wanted the letter to go to, type them into my computer, figure out the address label system, print the labels, then handwrite each name on each letter to correspond with the address label put on the envelope. And that was only half the job. Next I had to sign each letter, stamp my name into both the business reply envelope (BRE if you're a cool talk IV person), and the intent card, make sure the intent card and the general envelope was stamped with the proper postage amount (thank you U.S. postal services for raising postage during MY fundraising) and make sure each envelope had the proper return address label. This was quite an undertaking. Nevertheless, at 10:37 a.m on May 22, 2007, I prayed over 100 envelopes and dropped them into the mailbox to go their seperate ways. Maybe no one will support me. Maybe lots of people will. I figured out that if every person I send a letter to this summer sends me a one time gift of $40, I will have raised almost half of what I need to raise. Scary? Heck yes! But I believe in a God who has made foolish the wisdom of the world. The wisdom of the world, and at times my own heart, says there is no stinking way this money will ever come through. But, "the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men" (1 Corinthians 1:25) and there has never been a greater truth for me to cling to. What seems absolutely ridiculously impossible can be made possible by the power of the God who has called me into it. And I can rest in the knowledge that my God is able, even if He chooses not to provide the money.

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
Isaiah 55:8-11

The ways of the Lord are beyond me, and I love that. I love to know with absolute certainty that there is something bigger than me. Donald Miller sums it up so perfectly when he says,

"There is a lie floating around that says I am supposed to be able to do life alone, without any help, without stopping to worship something bigger than myself. But I actually believe there is something bigger than me, and I need for there to be something bigger than me. I need someone to put awe inside me; I need to come second to someone who has everything figured out."

I've always loved this thought. I look for it in the books I read and the pastors I respect. I look for it even in dating relationships. Part of the greatness of joining a sorority for me was that I would have a "big sister", someone who would understand things and take care of me as the little one. I love to lead, but even more than that, I love to be second to someone who's got it all under control. And that's what I get this summer. I get to come second to the Lord who has it all figured out, down to the very last penny. I get to trust Him, admire His work, and adore Him for His provisions. Even as the rain and snow fall from heaven to water the daffodils I love so much, so will His promise to provide for me fall on me this summer and not return to Him without accomplishing its purpose. Whether that purpose is to show me an abundance of financial provision, or to show me that His goodness is worth trusting even if the dream falls apart. Either way, His promise is true, and either way, it is Him doing the work. I get to be second, and I get to stand in awe of this mountain as I continue to dig, believing that no matter what, this next month and a half holds great things.

Sabbath

2007-05-26T21:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes with fundraising you just need a break from thinking all the time. So I came home this weekend to enlist some help with all the stamping of envelopes, address labels, etc., but also to spend some quality time relaxing. No one knows how to relax quite like my sister. Her room might have had a carpet a few years ago, but I think that was before the entire Chinese army moved in underneath her bed. I really don't know how she does it. When my room is messy it goes on my to-do list and I take care of it as soon as I have some time. Not Barbara. I think she told me a total of four times today that she was bored. Yes bored. I don't remember the last time I was actually bored... oh wait, classes, okay so about a month ago. The point of the story is that as I was heading out to run some errands on my "relaxing weekend" I popped my head into her room to find her laying on her bed, still in pjs, watching a movie on her laptop. Shower? No way, those are for the weak and unrested. Clothes? That requires finding something clean and wearable amidst the Kung Pao Dynasty. Why bother with things that "could" get done, when they don't have to get done this minute and I could be sitting here doing nothing instead? Don't get me wrong, she works very very hard and has a beautiful spirit of generousity about her. But her ability to literally only focus on the task at hand, in this case, relaxing, is fascinating to me. It's a mentality that I'm not sure I'll ever understand, but I would love to try and learn some of it. My mind goes a bazillion miles an hour. Even when I'm watching a movie I have to bring along the toenail polish or the notes I want to write to people or the stack of old magazines I've been collecting to collage with. I never just sit still and do nothing. I never leave work un-attended, even if it means I just worry about it in my head. As a result I am often rushing and frazzled. But there are times in Scripture where we are commanded to "be still".

I've been reading about sabbath lately, and I am very excited to have built it into my plans for this summer. I figure, there was a reason God created Sabbath right? And it doesn't just mean "today's the day to go to church", and it certainly does not still come with all the implications of the old Jewish law. However, God says,

"Remember the sabbath day and keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work. But the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work."
Exodus 20:8

"You shall not do any work!" It seems like that should be all the commanding I need to just drop everything and crawl into bed with a good book (or movie, in my sister's case). And it is all the commanding I need... when I remember to read it and to carve out that time for rest. I forget sometimes that rest is exactly what I need to make me MORE productive later. Not that productivity should be the goal, but it helps to remember that actually taking the time to truly rest will restore my energy both physically and emotionally. Since I am ridiculously "Type-A" I had to write the word "sabbath" in my planner to remind myself that Sunday is the day each week I'm going to rest. The type-a-ness goes one step further because I actually wrote a list of things to-do during the sabbath day. Not things that need to be done, but just a few specific things that will help me relax. For example, tomorrow I am planning on taking my dog for a walk, taking some pictures outside, and sitting in a big comfy chair and drinking hot tea from my favorite mug. I love those things, and I love that tomorrow I get to do them. The verse says that the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. Why does it say "to" and not "for" or "mandated by"? I think it's because He wants us to know that the point of sabbath is freedom. Freedom from the daily grind, freedom from structure, and freedom unto the Lord. When we are free unto the Lord we are free to be ourselves to the glory of His name. I'm allowed to put work aside? I'm allowed to just be me, wanting to sleep and bake cookies and knit all day long? Okay, I can do that! Even just that thought of freedom creates praise in my heart for the Lord and His ultimate goodness. I'm starting to think maybe God and my sister are on to something with this whole resting business.

Fundraising thoughts

2007-05-23T09:15:00.000-07:00

I am excited about fundraising because it is not a salespitch. It is not me trying to convince people to fork over their money. Instead it is a ministry in and of itself where I get to follow the Holy Spirit's leading in discovering who He has already called to support me. All that He asks He provides, so if He really is asking me to go to JMU next year then He will provide the financial means necessary. And through the search for financial support He will also provide the relationships I will need as I enter the mission field. I love that He has called me to people. My heart beats for true and right relationships, and I get to build those through this process of fundraising AS WELL AS the process next year of learning to be a campus staff minister. During our weekend of training Joe Moore challenged us with these two questions:
1. What is it that is making me anxious?
2. What power have I misplaced here?
As I start to actually talk to people and raise the money I will need this fall, I am continually asking myself those questions and reminding myself that all power is in His hands, for "the earth is the Lord's and all therein" (Psalm 24:1).

"We Are Not Professionals"

2007-05-21T18:47:00.000-07:00

There is a John Piper book out called "Brothers, We Are Not Professionals". Not having read it, I know only what I've been told- that is a book written for pastors urging them out of the efficient, professional lifestyle that the church today often reveres in it's pastors. The back of his book says this,

"The mentality of the professional is not the mentality of the prophet. It is not the mentality of the slave of Christ. Professionalism has nothing to do with the essence and heart of the Christian ministry. The more professional we long to be [as pastors] the more spiritual death we leave in our wake. For there is no professional childlikeness, there is no professional tenderheartedness, there is no professional panting after God."

I would like to read this book someday. Simply because I am going into ministry where my human nature is going to want to be the best at what I do. I'm going to want to turn ministry into efficiency, appear to have all the answers, and especially turn my prayers into "highfaluting mumbo jumbo" (Anne of Green Gables, anyone?). Scripture tells us to do everything as unto the Lord (Ephesians 6:7) which includes good ministry. I think the problem comes when we rely too heavily on our own talents and abilities outside of the work of the Holy Spirit. We forget that we are aliens in this world; in ministry to proclaim the love of Christ and wait in eager expectation for His return. 1 Corinthians 1:27 tells us that God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong... so that NO human being might boast in the presence of God.

I felt the depth of my own un-professionalism at Rockbridge the other week. I was asked to sit in for awhile at JMU's chapter time, and though I had met some of the students previously, I literally sat in that circle with my heart racing and hands shaking. And let's be honest, I'm a people person and a Communications major, there is no reason I should have been nervous about being with that group of people. A professional would have waltzed in and "wowed" them with her charm. Yet I believe the Lord used that nervousness to remind me that this is His deal, not mine, and that He is the one receiving the glory.

I read this Scripture in my quiet time this morning:

"And I, when I came to you brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God."
1 Corinthians 2:1-5

Amen.

Radiantly Dependent

2007-05-20T15:38:00.000-07:00

I wrote this about a year ago in response to a friend's blog, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. My biggest struggles as I begin to face a summer of fund-raising are in believing that the Lord will provide for me and in depending on His timing. Going on staff with IV is like a dream come true, but my fear is that it's a dream He will take away. And really, there have been many dreams I've held onto that have been taken away and God has always proved His faithfulness in those areas, but still I profess with my mouth that He is good and struggle to actively rest in that truth. Just reading through my own response to Jordan's post has challenged me these past few days to stop entering this summer with cautious, anxious filled steps, but to embrace this desire to go on staff and the desperate neediness it produces in my own heart for the Lord. He is worth the risk of being disappointed yet again by a shattered dream, because regardless of what my heart fears, He is greater.

"It is true, we as Christians are hypocrites because we don't understand grace, we don't accept grace, and we don't believe in God's power to transform us for our good and His glory. Instead we want control. We push away our desires from life thinking that the absence of desire brings about righteousness. Craig Barnes sums it up when he says, "Jesus, the coming Judge, chose to descend into the ambiguities of compromised, complicated, and conflicted lives. Jesus called people to be righteous, but He despised those who had become professionals at it." Isn't that what we as Christians have done? We've become professionals at worshipping the "god of being important", the "god of efficiency", even the "god of being a good Christian."
Jesus likened this state of mind to whitewashed tombs. It is often the hardest place to break out of because we look so good and moral. Thomas Kelly says,

I am persuaded that religious people do not with sufficient seriousness count on God as an active factor in the affairs of the world. "Behold, I stand at the door and knock", but too many well-intentioned people are so preoccupied with the clatter of efforts to do something for God that they do not hear Him asking that He might do something through them.

When did we make the choice to bury our hearts for the sake of control and appearances? We would rather be well thought of and consumed with morals, posture, and pretending then to be free in the vulnerability that Jesus surfaces in us in order to show us our need for Him. There is such false security in that! We have fallen for the lie that if we stay hidden we will not be hurt and that if we are vulnerable we will not be loved. We were designed to desire care, reassurance, companionship, and love, yet our hearts do not believe that there is beauty and freedom in our pursuit of those needs in Christ. So we pretend. We try to have it all together. We robotically spout off theological mantras, fill our lives with endless church activities, and we tell everyone we're "doing well". But isn't this exhausting? It takes energy to shut out the pain and push past the blur yet we would rather spend our energy on that than admitting we are vulnerable. Yet in Christ we have been raised WITH HIM from the grave and are free unto the fullness of life and power of God. We ARE alive in Christ, but we don't act like it, because in our attempts to gain control we've deadened our hearts, leaving us hardened, bitter, and plastic.

Somewhere along the line of hardships I dealt with as a child I learned to hide. Even without knowing I was doing it, I resolved to protect myself by never causing pain or requiring attention. I learned that to hide my needs and desires made me appear strong and never caused others to worry on my behalf. I didn't realize that in doing this I was hiding my true self, along with my need for Christ and His abundant grace. Even today this lie that grips my heart plays iteself out in the way I try to take care of people. As long as I am being "helpful" I can be secure and worth something. I think many of us fall for this method of control. It is easy to keep up an appearance even with the knowledge of the emptiness it brings. It is easier to answer "fine" than the the truth of "I don't know", when asked how we're doing. And if you're like me, my immediate response to this realization is to chide myself, to be frustrated that I can't get it right, earn my way, or become a better Christian. But that response in my heart only joins with the noise of the devil that condemns, accuses, and seeks to keep me from God's love. It reveals such a lack of belief in the Spirit's ability to produce in me the change I cannot produce for myself.

Like Adam hiding in the garden (Genesis 3:10), we are often so determined to get it right or at least not be seen while we are failing. THIS is what breaks God's heart. We try to get our act together, to make Him smile, but why would he be impressed by our ability when the only thing that draws Him to us is our need? The Spirit of Christ is best seen in us when rather than scrambling and being shamed by our sin we come to Him, knowing His goodness and trusting in His power to set us free from the bondage we create for ourselves. Ephesians 4:22 calls us to "throw off" our old nature; our tendency for control, appearances, and self-righteousness. Still we often interpret "throw off your old nature" to mean "overcome your old nature". But trying to overcome what we simply cannot only hardens our hearts and keeps us from discovering our true hunger for the righteousness of God.

Jan Meyers writes, "what Jesus says about us through the whole story line of Scripture is that we are completely dependent upon His care, provision, forgiveness, protection, and guidance." It is when we begin to believe this that we can take the risk of laying aside our structure, of peeling off our masks, and slowly allowing the tender desire of our hearts to lead us to our need for God. We learn that we cannot be justified by our theology, we cannot be sanctified through the burying of our desires, and we can not be purified with locking away memories of the past. We are no longer slaves but we are freed by the power of the Cross and a God that asks for our radiant dependence."

Being in love with You

2007-03-15T13:46:00.000-07:00

In his book, "Blue Like Jazz", Donald Miller says "sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way." This is definitely true for myself. There are some people that just have this gloriously radiant presence about them that causes me to yearn to love my Lord the way they do. Sometimes it's in the way they pray, sometimes it's in the way they speak as if every word carries significant weight, sometimes it's in the way they worship and sometimes it's even in the way they care for me. Maybe it's something about their words, or about their sincerity, or maybe it's about the way they struggle with God. Whatever it is, it touches something deep inside me. On days when my heart is hard I think they are being fake, but on days when my heart is real I am almost always moved to tears. I long to have that same kind of passion, that same incredible depth of desire for the Lord and all that comes from His heart. I think He teaches me through watching these people that are so radiantly in love with Him. I think it is His way of reminding me of the sheer delight that comes from being in His presence and knowing His sovereignty. So often I go through my life content with how things are, but when I see one of these people, I am reminded that there is so much more and I am daily invited to partake. How do I miss that invitation? Has my soul really become so enamored with itself that I have blocked out the still small whisper of love? It's possible. Especially when I am not disciplining myself to set aside time to just be with the Lord and answer His invitation of an abundant life. Yes, life can be fine all by itself, but I am thankful for the people the Lord puts into my life to remind me to quit settling for a half-hearted love.