Unbelief

This morning's snippet from Charles Spurgeon is too precious not to share. His words are just beautiful.

"Strive with all diligence to keep out that monster unbelief. It so dishonors Christ, that he will withdraw Hi visible presence if we insult him by indulging it. It is true it is a weed, the seeds of which we can never entirely extract from the soil, but we MUST aim at its root with zeal and perseverance. Among hateful things it is the most to be abhorred. Its injurious nature is so venomous that he that exerciseth it and he upon whom it is exercised are both hurt thereby. In thy case, O believer! it is most wicked, for the mercies of thy Lord in the past, increase thy guilt in doubting him now. When thou dost distrust the Lord Jesus, he may well cry out, "Behold, I am pressed under you, as a cart is pressed that is full of sheaves." This is crowning his head with thorns of the sharpest kind. It is very cruel for a well-beloved wife to mistrust a kind and faithful husband. The sin is needless, foolish, and unwarranted. Jesus has never given the slightest ground for suspicion, and it is hard to be doubted by those to whom our conduct is uniformly affectionate and true. Jesus is the Son of the Highest, and has unbounded wealth; it is shameful to doubt Omnipotence and distrust all-sufficiency. The cattle on a thousand hills will suffice for our most hungry feeding, and the granaries of heaven are not likely to be emptied by our eating. If Christ were only a cistern, we might soon exhaust his fullness, but who can drain a fountain? Myriads of spirits have drawn their supplies from him, and not one of them has murmured at the scantiness of His resources. Away, then, with this lying traitor unbelief, for his only errand is to cut the bonds of communion and make us mourn an absent Savior. Bunyan tells us that unbelief has "as many lives as a cat:" if so, let us kill one life now, and continue the work till the whole nine are gone. Down with thee, thou traitor, my heart abhors thee."

What could I even say that would add to that? My heart is so easily prone to unbelief and every imaginable sin follows out of it- worry, fear, and manipulation just to name a few. What wife with an unbelievably amazing husband fails to trust him with all that she is? And yet I withhold my trust from the Lord even knowing it is detrimental to my own rest and peace. How do I possibly think I could do a better job handling my life than the One who created my life and ordained it? "Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you." Psalm 116:7

Half Full

I complain a lot. I’m pretty sure I’m not considered a “Debbie Downer” since I also smile a lot. But the thing is I’m always talking about something that could be different. A lot of times I call it being “critical” or “discerning” but it’s time to face the facts kids- I’m a complainer. In a twisted psychological way I think it relates very strongly to the people pleaser in me. I want justification. If the situation I find myself in seems unjust then I complain about it to someone else in hopes that they will either complain with me (misery loves company) or tell me that I am in fact not “complaining” just venting feelings that are completely warranted. In either situation I am clearly seeking approval and either way I find the matter utterly unattractive. In Luke 16:15 Jesus says to the Pharisees, “You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God.” Ouch. An abomination? Geez. Why would I seek to justify myself before people when I have already been justified through Jesus Christ in complete disregard to merit! Oh the depths of my unbelief… and yet over such a shallow issue.

So I have decided to put an end to this behavior. No more complaining to get attention or approval I missed out on elsewhere. I want to be rid of this complaining spirit of mine. My justification has already been secured, and thankfully it is not based on my actions but the life and death of Christ. I long for the day when my belief is strong and I don’t need to constantly remind myself of my freedom. But then again, isn’t that what this journey of joy is all about? To discover more and more of my own depravity while experiencing more and more of His sheer goodness. He has set me free that my complaints may be silenced, that my need for approval may sit at rest, and that my joy may be made full. How could I not rejoice in that?!

And if I rejoice, I must be changed. So here begins the process of seeing the glass of half full… after all, wasn’t it Charles Spurgeon who said “he who deserves nothing should be content with anything.”

Back to Suits and Pantyhose

Oh wait... I have never actually worn a suit in my life. My Phi Mu girls can tell you all about our panty-hose days. Didn't we have a bon-fire to burn them all after our last Formal Business? Nevertheless I have gone from barely showering and sweating all day in Newark New Jersey, to primping each morning for an hour before sitting in an air conditioned office putting clear nailpolish over the runs in my pantyhose. Did I mention I have to wear suits?! Even on my classiest days a suit never crossed my mind. It's so constraining, so professional, so... not me. Evan Thomas Moore will tell you- I was not made for a career. So it follows that I was not made to feel like myself in a suit.

Regardless of the fancy attire however, I do love my job. Scratch that. I absolutely LOVE my job! What do I do that is so wonderful, you might ask. Answer: a whole lot of nothing. I pick-up phone calls, I open mail, I even get the coffee and make copies. And each day I continue to be surprised at the joy I find in this job! See, doing nothing also leaves plenty of time for me to process the extreme busy-ness of the past year and summer. Here I have nothing to stress about except learning how to drive stick shift and becoming un-homeless. There is no morning preparation before arriving at work besides my own beautification and a good cup of coffee. When 5:30 hits, I walk out the door and don't have to think twice about any of the days events. Selfish, you say? Perhaps. But when you go from working 72 plus hours a week to a max of 41, you not only take advantage of free time, you NEED it. I think the best foundation for a renewed heart is time spent in reflection and rest. In her book, "If You Want to Write", Brena Ueland uses a term I have become very fond of these past few weeks- "moodling." Ueland says "moodling denotes creative and life giving solitude. The imagination needs moodling- long, inefficient happy idling, dawdling and puttering." I like her. I like making up words. And I really like moodling. My job lets me moodle. I have only ever been in bondage to a to-do list which constantly muddles up any free time I might have attempted to enjoy. This time, free time is mine. To spend however I want and I ain’t settlin’. I might learn Italian, or photography, or guitar. I might go to the gym more than once a week. I might just read lots of books or watch lots of sunsets. Whatever I do, I want you to know:

I will take moodling over muddling any day... even if I have to wear pantyhose.