Healing

"Are you mourning over your own weakness? Take courage,
for there must be a consciousness of weakness before the Lord will give
thee victory. Your emptiness is but the preparation for your being
filled, and your casting down is but the making ready for your lifting
up."
-Charles H. Spurgeon

I am empty. I am weak. I am hoping in the promise of healing.

Morning

Morning is my favorite time of day. I love everything about it. I love that it's the time that you get to sleep in, snuggled under warm covers, the tip of your nose cold from the autumn air. It's a time to be thankful for a night of rest, and eager for a day of God's glory. I love that it's the time to get up early, to see sunrises, and drink coffee; to sit quietly with the Lord as the day awakens. I even love the food that comes with morning time. Bagels, yogurt, fruit, cereal, eggs, bacon, pancakes, mmmm. I espeically love the phrase "Good Morning." I think it is one of the happiest, friendliest greetings and I wish it could be used all day long.

Lately, however, my mornings have been rushed and that makes me cranky. I wake up before my alarm and almost pray that it's 2 a.m. and not 6:39. I day dream of calling in sick. I wake up tired, my tummy doesn't want the coffee that my brain needs, and I'm bitter at my roommate for getting to sleep in. The shower is warm and soothing and begs me to just stay there all day. I literally console myself in the mornings with a promise of an early bedtime when the day is over. Where is the joy in a fresh day? Why can't I let go of my selfish desire for sleep and rest in the promise that the day has already been ordained. There is joy in the presence of the Lord... why do I focus instead on the busy tasks that lie before me?

"Satisfy [me] in the morning with Your unfailing love, that [I] may sing for joy and be glad all [my] days."
Psalm 90:14

One of the sweetest memories I have of living in Newark this summer is of rooming with the radiantly beautiful Martha Iverson. Every single morning, no matter how late she had stayed up, or how much she had on her to-do list, she woke up with a smile. That is loving life in the truest sense- even when it's difficult to wake up, and even if the morning is rushed. She smiled because her hope was not in her feelings about the day, but in the unfailing love of her Lord.

What would it look like for me to be SATISFIED with the love that the Lord has for me. So much so that I wake up tired and just smile, because I know that the day is spoken for by the beauty of the Cross. Nothing about my frail human condition, even my sin, can get in the way of the purposes of the Lord for the day He has set before me.

"I know that you can do all things; no plan of Yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2

May my spirit rest in Truth, and may it ever yield to Thee...

Dreamin'

Today I wish I already owned my coffee shop. I also wish that it was Christmastime so my coffee shop would smell like dark sumatra, apple spice candles, wood fire, and freshly baked pumpkin pie.

Lindsay's Latest Loves

Friends, it's time for another list. I have these fun new things that make my life slightly more enjoyable and I want to share!

1. Vanilla Mint Chapstick. Enough said.

2. Greenberry's Dark Sumatra Coffee. Once you've had the best you can never go back to regular.

3. John Frieda's Creme Serum Overnight Repair Formula. Yes I know, a lot of words, but basically it's a conditioner that you put in your hair before you go to sleep. It is light and not greasy and makes your hair feel like satin in the morning!

4. Vaseline Healthy Hand and Nail Condition lotion. No more hangnails!

5. Driving Stick Shift! (Thank you Martha Iverson and Zach Fauver).

6. Pandora Radio. It's a website (www.pandora.com) where you type in your favorite artist and the site creates an online radio station for you to hear only that artist and similar artists. Perfect when you're sick of your itunes and want to hear some sweet jams.

7. "Telling Yourself the Truth" by William Backus and Marie Chapman.

8. Having a tailor. She's wonderful. I buy a $5 skirt from the thrift store that is beautiful but doesn't quite fit right and for five more dollars she fixes it for me and voila! I have a perfect beautiful skirt that only cost $10!!

9. Walmart.com Free Samples. No joke- this is where I get all of my laundry detergent.

10. Having salary, benefits, and "must-use-before-January-annual-vacation-leave!"

What can I say? It's a good life these days :)

Unbelief

This morning's snippet from Charles Spurgeon is too precious not to share. His words are just beautiful.

"Strive with all diligence to keep out that monster unbelief. It so dishonors Christ, that he will withdraw Hi visible presence if we insult him by indulging it. It is true it is a weed, the seeds of which we can never entirely extract from the soil, but we MUST aim at its root with zeal and perseverance. Among hateful things it is the most to be abhorred. Its injurious nature is so venomous that he that exerciseth it and he upon whom it is exercised are both hurt thereby. In thy case, O believer! it is most wicked, for the mercies of thy Lord in the past, increase thy guilt in doubting him now. When thou dost distrust the Lord Jesus, he may well cry out, "Behold, I am pressed under you, as a cart is pressed that is full of sheaves." This is crowning his head with thorns of the sharpest kind. It is very cruel for a well-beloved wife to mistrust a kind and faithful husband. The sin is needless, foolish, and unwarranted. Jesus has never given the slightest ground for suspicion, and it is hard to be doubted by those to whom our conduct is uniformly affectionate and true. Jesus is the Son of the Highest, and has unbounded wealth; it is shameful to doubt Omnipotence and distrust all-sufficiency. The cattle on a thousand hills will suffice for our most hungry feeding, and the granaries of heaven are not likely to be emptied by our eating. If Christ were only a cistern, we might soon exhaust his fullness, but who can drain a fountain? Myriads of spirits have drawn their supplies from him, and not one of them has murmured at the scantiness of His resources. Away, then, with this lying traitor unbelief, for his only errand is to cut the bonds of communion and make us mourn an absent Savior. Bunyan tells us that unbelief has "as many lives as a cat:" if so, let us kill one life now, and continue the work till the whole nine are gone. Down with thee, thou traitor, my heart abhors thee."

What could I even say that would add to that? My heart is so easily prone to unbelief and every imaginable sin follows out of it- worry, fear, and manipulation just to name a few. What wife with an unbelievably amazing husband fails to trust him with all that she is? And yet I withhold my trust from the Lord even knowing it is detrimental to my own rest and peace. How do I possibly think I could do a better job handling my life than the One who created my life and ordained it? "Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you." Psalm 116:7

Half Full

I complain a lot. I’m pretty sure I’m not considered a “Debbie Downer” since I also smile a lot. But the thing is I’m always talking about something that could be different. A lot of times I call it being “critical” or “discerning” but it’s time to face the facts kids- I’m a complainer. In a twisted psychological way I think it relates very strongly to the people pleaser in me. I want justification. If the situation I find myself in seems unjust then I complain about it to someone else in hopes that they will either complain with me (misery loves company) or tell me that I am in fact not “complaining” just venting feelings that are completely warranted. In either situation I am clearly seeking approval and either way I find the matter utterly unattractive. In Luke 16:15 Jesus says to the Pharisees, “You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God.” Ouch. An abomination? Geez. Why would I seek to justify myself before people when I have already been justified through Jesus Christ in complete disregard to merit! Oh the depths of my unbelief… and yet over such a shallow issue.

So I have decided to put an end to this behavior. No more complaining to get attention or approval I missed out on elsewhere. I want to be rid of this complaining spirit of mine. My justification has already been secured, and thankfully it is not based on my actions but the life and death of Christ. I long for the day when my belief is strong and I don’t need to constantly remind myself of my freedom. But then again, isn’t that what this journey of joy is all about? To discover more and more of my own depravity while experiencing more and more of His sheer goodness. He has set me free that my complaints may be silenced, that my need for approval may sit at rest, and that my joy may be made full. How could I not rejoice in that?!

And if I rejoice, I must be changed. So here begins the process of seeing the glass of half full… after all, wasn’t it Charles Spurgeon who said “he who deserves nothing should be content with anything.”

Back to Suits and Pantyhose

Oh wait... I have never actually worn a suit in my life. My Phi Mu girls can tell you all about our panty-hose days. Didn't we have a bon-fire to burn them all after our last Formal Business? Nevertheless I have gone from barely showering and sweating all day in Newark New Jersey, to primping each morning for an hour before sitting in an air conditioned office putting clear nailpolish over the runs in my pantyhose. Did I mention I have to wear suits?! Even on my classiest days a suit never crossed my mind. It's so constraining, so professional, so... not me. Evan Thomas Moore will tell you- I was not made for a career. So it follows that I was not made to feel like myself in a suit.

Regardless of the fancy attire however, I do love my job. Scratch that. I absolutely LOVE my job! What do I do that is so wonderful, you might ask. Answer: a whole lot of nothing. I pick-up phone calls, I open mail, I even get the coffee and make copies. And each day I continue to be surprised at the joy I find in this job! See, doing nothing also leaves plenty of time for me to process the extreme busy-ness of the past year and summer. Here I have nothing to stress about except learning how to drive stick shift and becoming un-homeless. There is no morning preparation before arriving at work besides my own beautification and a good cup of coffee. When 5:30 hits, I walk out the door and don't have to think twice about any of the days events. Selfish, you say? Perhaps. But when you go from working 72 plus hours a week to a max of 41, you not only take advantage of free time, you NEED it. I think the best foundation for a renewed heart is time spent in reflection and rest. In her book, "If You Want to Write", Brena Ueland uses a term I have become very fond of these past few weeks- "moodling." Ueland says "moodling denotes creative and life giving solitude. The imagination needs moodling- long, inefficient happy idling, dawdling and puttering." I like her. I like making up words. And I really like moodling. My job lets me moodle. I have only ever been in bondage to a to-do list which constantly muddles up any free time I might have attempted to enjoy. This time, free time is mine. To spend however I want and I ain’t settlin’. I might learn Italian, or photography, or guitar. I might go to the gym more than once a week. I might just read lots of books or watch lots of sunsets. Whatever I do, I want you to know:

I will take moodling over muddling any day... even if I have to wear pantyhose.

Snapshots

So can you see how limited my internet access is? I can't even find the time to post an already written blog! For now though, here are a few pictures of my favorites... these kids just tug at my heart. Their parents hardly take care of them, and basically I want to keep all of them.


This is Jocelyn and Emely. Their older brother, Ariel, is Autistic and they take care of him.

This is Brandon. Tomorrow he will turn 9 years old. He's not excited about his birthday because he never gets presents and told me he has never had a birthday party.

This is Dwanda Zakaylah. She knows how "black" her name is, so she decided to go by Zakaylah and then shorten it to just plain "Kaylah." She thinks this will bring her more respect. The sad truth is that she's probably right. The even sadder truth is that she understands and knows ethnic discrimination at 8 years old.

I love these kids. They are rude and disrespectful and they cry if you try to discipline them, but they will come back every single day because they know that here they can find love and attention. I hope that someday when they grow up and leave this place, they remember the love they found here and seek after the Lord. He is their only hope. He is our only hope. They know they can't be loved based on their "goodness"- because they are not good. What a sweet blessing. I have spent 23 years trying to learn that I am not good and that nothing I do can ever make me good. In a way it's good for them to grow up knowing their depravity, so they can immediately claim the perfection of Christ's life and death. He is the only thing good about me and I long for them to know that truth.

Newark Day Two (Inefficiency)

Today was my first full day in Newark. And today was the day I got introduced to the "office." Well I guess you can call it an office. There is a desk, and there is paper. But I have never seen anything so messy in my life! It is mostly just trash and piles of unidentifiable papers. Also I found the following: a wig, a strobe light, a microphone, playdough, and a stuffed cat. IN THE OFFICE. I guess this is where my spiritual gift of throwing things away comes in to play. Does it belong somewhere else? Does it look crappy? Does it light up? Get it out of the office!! I spent most of the morning just throwing things out.

Over lunch we had our first meeting as a staff team. Honestly, it was one of the most in-efficient meetings I had ever been to. The food however was fun; we went to lunch at a Brazillian place down the block where you pay by the weight of your plate! How fun is that? Probably the ONE time that salad is cheaper than pasta. We proceeded to sit around the table and kind of talk about what needed to be done that day. Nothing ever really got finalized, no one was assigned specific tasks, we just talked in general about what maybe could happen that day. Then we sauntered out of the restaurant and walked rather aimlessly back to the church to "get to it." This way of life is SO different than what I'm used to!

So, since nothing was really happening except for more standing around, I snuck off with two of my favorite boys to get coffee and a Portugese pastry. We got back just as the after school program was starting. "Program" here is another word for "organized chaos." The kids are rowdy and un-compliant. As soon as I walked in they wanted to know if I was the same white girl with red hair that came on a missions trip in March. Apparently we all look alike. The girls have names like "Nyeisha" and "Kyasia" and have attitudes more complicated than their names. Still, I am excited to learn how to love them and guide them well.

There is so much more that happened today but it's so very late so I'll just give a few more quick thoughts:

Kimberly is amazing. I really do want to be her. She makes this awesome healthy food for like ten people every night and it all fits within her small budget.

Betsy, Kimberly's sister is also amazing. She's going to be one of two other girls who will be here this summer, and lucky for me she's so great. We connect really well and continue to find similarities. I am thankful for her.

One day I want to read C.S.Lewis' books on Narnia. The movies are incredible and really do show me so much about the character of God. I love Lucy's simple belief and struggle with the same in Prince Caspian.

Last but not least. Tonight we met Fernando. He's from Brazil but has lived here for 25 years. We just met him out on the street as we were picking through the "yard-sale" of trash that Newarkians puts out every Tuesday night. Clean cut, and intelligent, he asked us if we wanted a free TV. He explained he was leaving the country soon and wanted to get rid of it. His house was only five minutes away and we could go get it right then. So, we hopped in his car (I wouldn't recommend trying this at home- mmm or really EVER) and drove to his apartment. Up the sketchy stairs and into his place. I guess if you're going to killed why not do it under the pretense of getting a sweet TV? But, turns out he was legit. There was the monstrous TV. As he unplugged the video games and dvd player he told us of how he lost custody of his daughter after his tragic divorce. We carried the TV back down through the apartment complex (and of course by "we" I mean I watched while they carried) and into his car where it barely fit in the trunk. When we reached my street, Fernando got out of his car and helped us carry the monster up three flights of stairs to my tiny attic apartment. I was so surprised and blessed by his kindness. No one in Northern Virginia would ever consider giving away a television, let alone to a stranger, and forget helping to carry it off! Fernando did warn us that we shouldn't just go off with anyone who says they have a free TV, and that is probably true- not all strangers with candy actually have candy. Still the concept just blows my mind. He was so willing to help with something so trivial. Did I really NEED a TV? Nope. If I wanted one that badly wouldn't I find the money to buy one? Absolutely. But none of those things mattered to Fernando. The only thing that mattered was that he was able to make my life a little easier; that he could welcome me to his city. The whole encounter reminds me of the early church- how they shared everything they had without regard to status or merit. What if we all lived like that? How much could we bless each other and encourage the body of Christ?! One last thought before I close- why was he able to drop everything for those twenty minutes to help us drag a huge TV around Newark? Maybe because he didn't have much of an itinerary. Maybe he's inefficient. What a blessing.

Newark Day One

Has it really been a month?! Wow! Newark consumes me, but not in a bad way at all. I am so engaged in the battle for these kids hearts that there is often time for little else. I am able to get on the internet in limited bursts; maybe for about seven minutes each day with screaming kids and gangster music thumping in the background. Not a very suitable environment for my blogging habits. Nevertheless, during the first entire week I blogged about each day and have been waiting for a quiet moment to be able to get online to copy them over from Microsoft Word into the blogosphere. I have hardly noticed that an entire month has escaped. But without further ado, here is week one of Newark.

Day One
I am still a little unsure, but most of me loves this place. It is crowded and hot but the community is so vibrant. The first thing I noticed about Danny Iverson is how slowly he walks. We were on an errand to get my keys from my landlord and it took us about ten minutes to walk straight down the block. My fast-paced, often high-strung personality can't handle people who take 15 minutes to finish what could be finished in 3. Yet what is it about him that is so captivating? I'm reminded of that old hymn "The Love of Christ is Rich and Free" and the line that says "before the throne my Surety stands." I think that one of Danny Iverson's names for God is "Surety." Everything for him is secured and sure, so much so that he doesn't even hurry his steps or his conversation because he knows he will ultimately get where the Lord wants him to be. It brings a whole new meaning to Larry Crabb's phrase- "the pressure's off!" Still, I am making a mental note of the slowness of things around here, because I know that at some point my fast-paced craziness is going to want to butt heads with this environment.

The second man I met in Newark today is Leo. He is wonderful. He speaks Spanish and very broken English in such an accent that I struggle to understand most of what he says. But he introduced me to my attic apartment right above where he stays with his family. The stench of cigarette smoke coupled with bleach tells me he's spent most of today trying to scrub away the remaining aroma left by the smokers who used to live there. Aside from the smell, the apartment is more than I imagined I would have. The first room leads back into another room of equal size, which then leads back into the kitchen. The kitchen has a tiny door off to the side which opens up to the smallest and most disgusting bathroom I've ever seen. It is at the slanted part of the attic so I can't even stand up straight and I will have to come up with some sort of yoga-ish maneuver in order to squeeze past the shower doors into the tiny space for the shower. Still- what an adventure! As I check out the apartment I also meet Leo's little girls. Jularis, Estephanie, and Camilla. Estephanie speaks English, but two year old Camilla speaks a two year old version of Spanglish. I am in love with these girls. They look up at me like they can't believe I am actually talking to them and my heart is rejoicing in the opportunity to hang out with fun little neighbors! They took me outside to their "backyard" which is basically 9 square feet of sodded grass. This is where they jump rope or barbeque or play with their dolls. I can't wait to play with them!

Of all the things today, one of the greatest blessings has been having a dear old friend on the trip with me. He was randomly able to take some time off to drive the four hours with me, even letting me take over passenger seat half way through. He knows the city well so it has been so incredibly comforting just kind of following him through the day as I begin to learn more and more about this place I will call home. He is also good at asking for things, so when we discovered that the attic apartment didn't have an AC unit, he negotiated with the landlord to find me one- something I wouldn't have done in a million years but I would have died without. I am adventurous and independent, but I can't deny the sweet rest in following someone who is even more adventurous and independent than I am.

Last note- Leo knew that I was new to the city and wouldn't know how to find Walmart or the grocery store. So instead of telling me directions, he went to his car, took out his GPS and handed it to me. I get to use it for the summertime. I am in awe that he would entrust me with such a valuable object, and even more, that he would give up his own rights to use HIS GPS just to make me more comfortable. When I heard Shane Claiborne speak at JMU he told us "the best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them away." Leo embodied that for me today.

Pieces

Ah friends. One thing I have learned on my blogging journey is NEVER to EVER promise that a blog will soon come. The intentions were always good but somehow life got in the way. I vaguely remember the blog about Valentine's day. It was going to talk about how cute it was to log into Google and see an old man and woman holding hands walking into the sunset. There was probably going to be a big girlie *sigh* and I would have talked about how that is my dream (not to be depicted on Google of course, but to still be holding hands and enjoying sunsets at an old age). Next I was probably going to make fun of all those who mock Valentine's day calling it an over-comercialized holiday. Let's be honest- we're Americans, what do we NOT over-comercialize? Sure, in a house of seven girls, it's a little ridiculous to get home from work and see six boxes of flowers-in-the-mail sitting on our porch. But at the same time? It's TOTALLY FUN to have flowers all over the house! And shoot straight with me, since when do you need to have a significant other in order to devote a day to the celebration of love? Some of my favorite Valentine's days have been spent cooking dinner for my guys or watching chic-flicks with the girls. Probably my most favorite thing about Valentine's day is the chance you have to unexpectedly make someone else enjoy THEIR Valentine's day. I always send my Grandmas packages of heart shaped cookies and love letters. Nothing big, I'm not a romantic suitor that's going to sweep them off their feet, but I still love them and make their day every year. That is why I will never be sad about Valentine's day or selfish enough to turn the day into a day of wishing for romance. It is quite simply a celebration of love, and any celebration of love is a celebration of life itself.

There, now you have the outline of the blog I promised back in February. The second one I promised was going to be about an author I was reading at the time- Charles Spurgeon. I find his life and struggles fascinating. The man had such a complete trust in the Sovereign Lord. If one day my trust in the Lord compares to his in even the smallest way I will have grown tremendously. His work will surely be incorporated into many of my posts from here on out, so I will spare you the long post I would have originally written about him and his faithfulness.

My temptation is to hide when things get hard, hence the lack of blog posts. It wasn't just that life was hard, it was that it was hard in a way I had never experienced before. And so instead of learning much immediately and sharing, I had to take the longer route of rediscovering the Lord's goodness. And I am very much still in that process, I am just beginning to function better as I learn! I think my supervisor said it most accurately when he looked at me and said, "Lindsay, this year has broken you in so many ways, do you believe that God wants to restore you?" And I, the planned-out-answers, quick-on-my-feet, always-have-an-opinion-or-a-way-to-quickly-BS-the-right-response QUEEN, sat there dumbfounded. I felt like I wasn't even myself for a minute because I didn't have an answer and beyond that I wasn't even sure that the correct answer was yes.

So here I am, broken, as usual, and this time trying to truly believe in God's goodness. He is faithful my friends, and I know that He will show me. In fact, He already has in countless ways. It's just that my bruised and selfish heart is taking the slow route in understanding it all. My stubborn self doesn't want to firmly commit to anything that I haven't already fully investigated and comprehended. And so I say, I'm growing. There is hope. Always. Even when I'm not entirely sure what it looks like. But as I continue to put together the pieces of what exactly it all looks like, I will be posting to share with y'all. My heart delights in sharing Truth, and I can't hide away from that forever. :)

Lindsay's Latest Loves

I promise I will be blogging for real soon. It's all been brewing in my head. But for now there are a few fantastic new things in my life that I would like you all to know about. Thus, my list of "Lindsay's Latest Loves":

1. Burt's Bees replenishing lip balm. It has pomegranate oil in it! Mmmm :)
2. All things Charlie Hall. The beard, the earrings, and the following songs: "Walk the World", "Christ the solid rock", "Nothing but the blood".
3. Racial Reconciliation.
4. Bedtime tea consisting of just boiled water, a peppermint teabag, a chamomile teabag, a splash of milk, and a spoonful of sugar. Delish!
5. Gmail. Reply All.
6. Curves Gym for Women. Especially station number 9. It has pom-poms!
7. The book "From Fear to Freedom" by Rose Marie Miller. It's legit.
8. Packages in the mail. Getting them and sending them.
9. These five words: Hope, Believe, Trust, Rest, Delight.
10. Facebook Bumper Stickers.

Just the little things that get me through the day! Real blog to come...

Salute to Panera

Observation of the Day:

Panera offers just the right amount of cream cheese with their bagels

...and you can sit on a couch by the fireplace, access free internet, and get work done for hours on end. Who wouldn't love this place?

Thoughts on Valentine's Day to come soon.